The Birthday Party

Lou Costello: Mr. Fields, you are invited to my party.

Sid Fields: You're finally inviting me. You want me to bring a present, huh?

Lou Costello: Look, Mr. Fields, a lot of people are going to bring me presents. You don't have to bring me no present.

Sid Fields: I see. Everybody brings a present. You want me to come empty-handed. People should look at me and say, "Sidney Fields is a cheapskate," huh? "Sidney Fields is nothing but a dirty, broken-down tramp." Is that it?

Lou Costello: Look, Mr. Fields. You don't look like no tramp. You look nice.

Sid Fields: I don't, huh? My feet are coming through my shoes. My elbows are coming through my sleeves.

Lou Costello: Yeah, and your head is coming through your hair.

Sid Fields: All right. Tell everybody I'm bald-headed. Start a rumor. Make me ashamed to come to your party.

Lou Costello: Look, Mr. Fields, you don't have to be ashamed. Nobody will even notice you.

Sid Fields: Oh, they're gonna ignore me, huh? I'm not even fit to be associated with. People will be afraid to put their hands on me.

Lou Costello: No, they won't. I wouldn't even be afraid to touch you. Look.

Sid Fields: Take your filthy hands off. What are you trying to do, soft-soap me?

Lou Costello: Now look, Mr. Fields, don't get mad. Now, you can bring your kids to the party, and they can eat anything they want. They can have plenty of food. They can eat anything they want.

Sid Fields: Sure, I can have my kids eat first, huh? Then if that broken-down, bad food you got doesn't give my kids ptomaine, then the other people will eat it, huh? You're gonna use my kids for guinea pigs. Say it! My kids are guinea pigs!

Lou Costello: Mr. Fields, your kids are not guinea pigs.

Sid Fields: Oh, they're just plain pigs?

Lou Costello: Look, Mr. Fields, I never use the word "pigs" when I talk about anything like that. I use, like, "swine"

Sid Fields: Oh, now you're dragging my wife in the argument. What's wrong with my wife?

Lou Costello: Mr. Fields, please let your wife out of this.

Sid Fields: Oh, my kids and I should come to a party and have fun, but my wife, she has to stay home alone, huh?

Lou Costello: Look, Mr. Fields, you can bring your wife to the party.

Sid Fields: She can come to the party?

Lou Costello: Yeah.

Sid Fields: But she can't eat, huh?

Lou Costello: She can eat! I'll give her anything she wants. She can have meat. She can have potatoes with bread and butter and peas on the mashed potatoes and stick them in the mash... She can have anything she wants.