Hillside Cannibals

This movie was made to cash in on the success of the 2006 remake of "the Hills Have Eyes".

Not since Kurt Russell portrayed a jungle boy on Gilligan's Island has someone done such an amazing job of not looking like a primitive. The Cannibals in this movie are pathetic. They engage in what can only be described as "Ooga Booga" acting. It takes more to be threatening in a performance that simply slipping on a leather coat which was bought from a Salvation Army used clothing store, rolling in the mud, and yelling, while waving your hands in the air. The nylon wigs, and halloween makeup show more of an effort than many of the "movies" produced by this production company / video mill, but all in all there is very little meat on the bones of this cannibal film. The violence and gore will satisfy those that are purely into graphic scenes, but if you need plot or logic in order to suspend your disbelief forget it. Issues like why there are cannibal, how they got there, and why their victims arrive in the desert in the first place are not addressed. What the director obviously didn't realise is that when it comes to horror less is more. This is especially true when you have actors that are so over the top in their depictions that the cave man in the Pauly Shore film "Encino Man" seems like something put together by anthropologists in a documentary. We almost see more interaction of the cannibals relating to each other than we do the victims to whom we are meant to relate. The post-nuclear valley girl-looking cannibals brutally kill their victims and than daintily eat the body parts off a licence plate like canapays. At one point you can even hear the director tell two of the cannibals "Ok, now lick your fingers" as they gently nibble away on the flesh as if Miss Manners herself was standing off screen as a technical adviser instructing on etiquette. If you can look past the fact that the cave in which they live is lite up like a Macy's Christmas tree, you are left to wonder where the cannibals got the vanilla candles that burn in the knooks and cranies of the cave from time to time (Peir One?). Basically, what you have is a film that contains scenes of violence and brutality which are rendered ineffective by all the rest of the films content.

Alright, I was in Blockbuster today on my lunch break and spotted to preview sleeves for this (both copies were actually rented out). It claimed to be the tale that inspired the Hills Have Eyes. Um, WHAT?! That is the most bogus claim I've ever read! Hey director/script writer: watch the documentary on the original Hills Have Eyes (1977) 2-disk by Anchor Bay. In it, Wes Craven states that the inspiration for the Hills Have Eyes was a cave-dwelling medieval (sp?) family in the British Isles (the Seaney-Beane family I believe). Wes Craven should sue the hell out of the "production company" of this "film" for libel! I am insulted that anyone would try to cash in on film-renters' ignorance of a subject by just plain lying. I came across another video box for "When A Killer Calls" which claims to be more like the urban legend (the babysitter and the man upstairs) than the original When A Stranger Calls. RUBBISH! I CALL SHINANIGANS!!

Quite possibly the worst movie I have EVER seen. The Zappa reference is to a song he performed called "Cheapness" (he may have deliberately misspelled it, but I don't remember how.) On the live version of the song he introduced it with a Frank-esque discussion of "cheap" monster movies and how inept performances made them "great"--to laugh at. This was released well after Frank passed. Just goes to show he was ahead of his time.

Funny, as this masterpiece was ending, and the credits were rolling, I had to wonder who is SO desperate as to actually WANT their name on this picture in any way.

I only gave no stars because the selection menu did not offer negative numbers.

It's tough to criticize this movie because really I knew what I was getting into with the lame cover art and the complete lack of a description on the back (the back of the DVD case is just a retelling of the Sawney Bean clan). Still, I was hoping for either something that was so bad it was funny or at least so bad it was amusing.

Instead, this is just so bad it's tedious. It's not a bad looking movie like most of the other shot-on-video productions that go straight to video, and there are some decent gore effects here or there, but the whole time it feels like the cast and crew are just sleepwalking through the thing for a paycheck. There's not a scent of originality here whatsoever - the whole plot was lifted from the original "The Hills Have Eyes", only without the fleshed out characters or compelling antagonists. Speaking of the antagonists - what the heck are a bunch of kilt wearing cave people doing in the mountains of California? Did I miss that explanation? Did I miss the explanation of why they behave like a high school production of The Flinstones? Yawn.

The only redeeming thing about this movie was trying to guess whether or not the lead actress was wearing a wig or not. I vote for yes. Either that or she should never work with her stylist from this flick ever again.

Congratulations, Asylum, you have suckered me once, but this is the last time I am using my hard-earned cash on one of your cop out excuses for cinema.

A group of idiots go into the desert hills to party, drink, and smoke pot, not knowing that these hills have cannibal rednecks living in them in this "Hills Have Eyes" clone that only the Asylum can make. The Asylum is widely regarded as being heavily synonymous was complete and utter crap, and with good reason as most, if not all, of their films are practically unwatchable, this one being no exception. Personally, I'm glad that of all these Asylum abominations that I've seen, I haven't paid for any of them (well OK yeah I have indirectly through Netflix & premium cable but I digress) Not.worth your times, money or loss of sanity to watch this.