Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep

What if I told you this low-budget sea monster movie was so "off," I would have sworn it was shot in South Africa, which has given us many very bad sea creature flicks. It apparently was shot in Canada, which I still find hard to believe -- not that most Canadian-lensed flicks aren't just as abysmal. Two groups of people are after a treasured artifact, which is guarded by a giant squid. The two groups come to blows, but in the end the squid takes care of a lot of them. The only "name" actor is TV thespian Jack Scalia, who has seen better days. So has the director, who gave us the surreal and sublime THE GATE back in the day. I just can't get over how odd this movie feels. In a very small way, the plot resembles that of THE DEEP. However, it is not worth watching, unless you're having trouble sleeping.

but I watched the whole thing. Unfortunately full of errors regarding diving as my daughter kept commenting on throughout the movie.

Charlie O'Connell is definitely not the actor his brother is (not that his brother is a great actor). The Kraken was not much of a scare. I hated the underwater shots where it was hard to tell the difference between the good and bad guys. The best part of the movie was the jokes we made about it. Watch it if nothing else is on but don't have any expectations about quality. The tentacles of the Kraken are supposedly razor sharp but they only cut some of the time. The ending sucked the big enchilada. You gotta give the folks at SciFi some credit, they keep churning out these films so we can relive the whole B-movie thing of the 50's.

Not a bad story, but the low budget rears its ugly head at times to undermine the effectiveness of the movie. A lot of the plot is predictable, but the film moves quickly and takes some time to introduce characters so you at least have some involvement and know what's going on. An illustration of the low budget is when a motor boat is "destroyed," you only see this as a CGI image from a distance. (No boats were harmed during the filming of this movie.) I also love the "metal mask," that looks like a pie-tin mold.

It's another big-sea-creature-on-the-loose story, but this one actually has an unusual motive for its vicious brutality (not simply hunger), a plot twist often absent in these made-for-TV flicks. The human characters are two teams of scientific artifacts treasure hunters (sort of an aquatic version of Raiders of the Lost Ark), and they're both after the same artifact. The bad guys all wear black so you know they're the bad guys; the baddest of the baddies (and the leader) always wears black suits, even though all the action is at a beach or on the water. Every line of dialog this guy has is a threat to somebody; they could have put a sign up saying "Generic Theat in Progress" whenever he shows up. The good guys wear other colors, even in their scuba gear so you know who's who during underwater fight scenes. The creature's inevitable attacks predictably interrupt these fights, and provide for other common monster movie clichés.

Certainly not a landmark film, but OK for a watch if you like these sea monster movies, or if you have nothing better to do.

So here in Oregon we have our share of crappy weather Saturdays. I personally choose to enjoy a day of lame Sci-Fi (or SyFy, whatever) channel movies. Yes they're all B-movies, but some are just so bad they're GREAT!

The Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep, however, is NOT one of those.

This film puts the UN in unwatchable. The plot is so thin you couldn't cut it with a razor. The acting is atrocious! Especially Charlie O'Conner! My god is he bad! His acting in this film actually makes Victoria Pratt and Jack Scalia look like Oscar nominees! While we're on the subject, Mr. Scalia is supposed to be Greek. But his accent changes constantly from European, to Austrailian, to non-existent! The directing? I don't know if the director even showed up!

My suggestion? Skip this one. It's boring, contrived, nonsense. Too much silly, predictable treasure hunting, not enough giant squid.

HEADS UP: While watching KRAKEN: TENTACLES OF THE DEEP, you might notice the pungent aroma of months-old, sunbaked chum.

It's the tedious tale of a man seeking revenge for his parents, who were killed by the titular terror. There are also some treasure hunters, along with the ne'er-do-wells who seek to abscond with the treasure.

How could this be bad?

Enter the multi-armed mess itself, a cartoonish CGI abomination that's so utterly preposterous that it takes you immediately out of the movie and leaves you there. Even the fish in MR. LIMPET was more realistic. And more frightening!

TIP: To recreate the feeling of watching this "movie" without having to actually sit through it, simply sit with wet spaghetti on your head until you can't take it any more...