Bienvenue au cottage

Comment declaration: I am a genuine viewer with no intention of distorting the IMDb ratings to make people go and watch it (yes...the PR corruption of this website annoys me). Anyway...

For some reason I fell for the hype and thought this would be something different. I went along to the Kino on my own and had a big bowl of popcorn ready for the best of British.

The film started very predictably and there was nothing new standing out. No interesting camera work, script or imagination.

I like Serkis and Ellison and I reckon they both did an OK job. I liked the way Ellison didn't give a hoot how she looked on camera. Flab, bad skin and cellulite...it was all there. Good to see she is a pro about the acting and not just glossy. Her character was mean and moody and made me smile. But it was all predictable physical comedy that relied a lot on the "C" word. Not a nice word to use a lot.

I was aware it was going to be a kidnap followed by a killer but I couldn't work out the twist...and then I found out there just wasn't one. It was just plain and predictable with some very dull gore scenes. There is nothing new at all worth mentioning here. No imagination or attempt to break the cliché. As for the ending...well I really didn't see the point. Very flat and I was glad I could go.

I would like to say I was left with more questions than answers but it was just such a non-event that I really didn't give it a seconds thought.

How will I remember this film? Serkiss looked very mean. Ellison was nastily funny and had a great bod in the back of the car. Very odd second half that didn't really go anywhere.

Very very disappointing. Rating 5/10 (because the head butting scene made me smile).

The best way to sum up this film is 'interesting...!' The violence, blood and gore is fantastic. If you want to see people decapitated and hacked to bits and want to laugh at the same time, this recent British horror comedy is definitely for you. The main characters are fun, likable and witty, Andy Serkis is fantastic, the dialogue is hilarious and the film is just entertaining from start to finish.

However, the storyline is quite simply all over the place. It's an incoherent mess to be exact! The film just twists and turns in different directions raising a number of questions, which it then leaves unanswered. Characters and subplots are introduced and then forgotten about. However, I'm guessing most people would not want to see this for the plot so if you just want some mindless, gory fun, go and see this.

Director Paul Andrew Williams wanted to "write a film that cost no money and was all set in one place". And the first sixty or so minutes stuck to this agenda pretty well; Two brothers kidnap the daughter (Jennifer Ellison) of a wealthy man, he sends out two crazy Chinese guys to kill them, nerdy brother Peter (Reece Shearsmith) looses the all important mobile phone and older hard-man brother David (Andy Serkis) swears a lot, all in the confines of a deserted cottage. The dialogue is just about snappy enough to keep this interesting. Not much to be said for the camera work – but it does kinda add to the atmosphere. And then they end up in another cottage and the blood bath begins.

It's pretty obvious why they cast Ellison: she has big bouncy boobs and her harsh liverpoodlian accent is juxtaposed perfectly with her blonde hair and Barbie doll face. No one really cares that her script rarely ventures beyond words too rude to publish here – the camera generally focuses on her chest/backside with the occasional headbut thrown in. Shame really; I was hoping she'd amaze us all with her diverse acting talent, but I guess it's a case of you can take the girl out of Brookside but you won't get an amazing actress out of a soap star.

Serkis in undeniably the star of this film. The perfect gangster with a heart, his sincerity and charm kept me watching throughout. I'm not entirely sure why he chose to do The Cottage – perhaps, like me, he was hoping this would be one of those rare things; a funny independent British comedy. But unfortunately it just felt like Williams had taken The Chain Sore Massacre and Hot Fuzz, cut out the best bits, stuck the leftovers in a blender and then forgot to cook it properly.

By all means go see this if you like blood, guts and rolling heads, just don't expect any intellect in the script.

Two brothers, David & Peter, kidnap Tracey, the daughter of local tough guy gangster Arnie, they hold her to ransom for the sum of £100,000. What they hadn't bargained into the equation is that Tracey is one tough feisty lady, and that a turn of events will lead them to something far more scary than big bad gangster Arnie.

This is the second feature from director Paul Andrew Williams, and bearing in mind that his debut effort was the highly lauded gritty drama London To Brighton, it's no surprise to find that some folk are a little bemused as to the genre splicing nature of The Cottage. The Cottage is far more in keeping with Christopher Smith's 2006 horror comedy, Severance, and certainly it wouldn't be out of place as a double bill with that criminally undervalued picture.

Very much a film of two halves, this picture is likely to prove a very divisive piece, and it will (has) only find an audience based on word of mouth alone. You will be hard pressed to find any sort of press marketing that will prepare you for the type of genre fusion film you are getting. Already, based on the comments written on this site thus far, you can see that some people were confused (or annoyed) by the tonal shift for the second half of the film. The first half sees poles apart brothers, David & Peter, swapping comedy dialogue as they whisk through a number of exchanges and circumstances with the marvellously volatile Tracey. While the second part of the picture hits you over the head with a quick switch to horror formula that has catering fulfilment for the gore junkies amongst us.

And this is where the problem lies with many, why didn't the film stay as a kidnap farce? Why didn't it set its stall out to be a horror film from the off? There is no denying that the films' high points come with the horror moments, but the film is first and foremost a comedy, from the first reel to the cheeky end of credits sequence it is what it is. As deliciously sick as the gore shift is, The Cottage never once takes its tongue out of its bloody cheek. It's obvious that Paul Andrew Williams is having fun here, and he is clearly hoping his audience will as well. View it as an all encompassing comedy/horror/thriller in that order and you wont go far wrong.

Andy Serkis plays David, the tough brother of the two, with Serkis doing a wonderful line in both visual and vocal comedy. This benefits Reece Shearsmith as Peter, a character so far under the thumb he can barely be seen. Shearsmith feeds off of Serkis to seal the comedy deal for this odd brotherly couple. British tabloid fave Jennifer Ellison plays Tracey, literally swearing for England to have the audience divided as to if they want her to survive or not! But it's a gutsy show from her and one hopes she ventures into this territory a bit more often. There is nothing new or fresh here, and this wont win any awards; even in its homeland of England, but it is FUN and it shows a director intent on making films from different genres. 8/10

"The Cottage" is really two movies.

One part is a fairly generic but slightly amusing crime-story involving the kidnapping of a voluptuous, foul-mouthed blonde by two brothers. One is a seasoned criminal, while the other is an amateur at best, thus, situational comedy ensues. They take shelter in an abandoned cottage where their hostage gives them a run for their money – literally – and swears up a storm. While this half of the film wants to belong in the same company as "Shaun Of The Dead," it can't, because it's not clever enough and is far too saturated in clichés. Despite some strong performances, the characters are merely stereotypes. It's not the fault of the actors that their characters aren't convincing, though, because in reality, they were written and possibly intended as cardboard cut-outs, meant to service the second half.

Despite a rocky set-up, we get to the second part, a gut-bustingly fun homage to slasher films that would make the likes of Peter Jackson and Sam Raimi proud. When our criminals and guest cross paths with a deformed neighbor, madness ensues. Why no film has been brilliant enough to give its villain a shovel as weapon of choice is beyond me, as the red stuff is spilled in ways that are both shocking and hilarious. Truly, this is where the meat of the flick is. Despite the lack of depth in both story and characters, "The Cottage" does manage to serve up a nice, enjoyable dish of slasher casserole that pays tribute to its influences with some truly inventive slicing and dicing. To be honest, the film would be far more effective if it had played this hand early on, instead of setting up a routine, by-the-numbers premise, but in the end, it'll win you over by its unique "anything-goes" approach to somewhat tired material. It's hardly reinventing the wheel, and is not a flick everyone in the room will appreciate, but as a way to kill 90 minutes, you could do much worse.