The Apprentice

Easy explanation. Thousands submit a business plan. Ten idiots/narcacists/delusional people plus one about credible and the winner Are selected. Lord Sugar has already decided the one that's going to make him even more money but it's dragged out for a few months with the performing monkeys entertaining us with their unique brand of obnoxiousness (that peasant librarian wannabe gentry!!!) After real business people completely humiliate them nothing changes in their jelly brains and they still think they have been on the program for merit, not basically a slaughtering that even web toed folk who marry their sister can look down on. To give them credit though, they can dress themselves and are toilet trained. I think.

Now in its fifth series, 'The Apprentice' has 14 candidates for a top job with Sir Alan Sugar's group of companies - carrying out a range of tasks (face painting, washing cars, cooking, making a TV commercial, launching a product, selling sandwiches, etc.) in order to be in the winning team at the end of the day.

With catchphrases like 'this is a job interview from hell' and, carried over from the US version, 'You're fired', it can come across a bit more reality TV than business acumen. The eventual winners have ranged from nice Tim to liar Lee to dim Michelle to er, the other one. Strong characters tend to stay in until the last few weeks to give the viewer something to loathe.

Sir Alan's aides, Nick and Margaret, are good value to watch, their expressions showing their disdain for the candidates as they flunk one task after another. And yes, these high flyers are dim - the scary thing is that the candidates have top salary jobs outside of 'The Apprentice'! As a reality show, it's watchable and fun - even though the last two series have had candidates who play up to the camera more than their predecessors. As a business programme, it's fairly useless - even the tasks have got less interesting as the series has progressed.

When The Apprentice UK appeared, I regretted the fact that it bumped the American version off prime-time; I never felt that Lord SrAlan (or just 'SrAlan' as he was then) was any substitute for Trump - this was before Trump became the world's most dangerous moron, of course.

I read recently that Lord SrAlan is getting sick of it now, though, and I don't blame him: I'm sick of it too. Where do they find these people: year after year, a batch even more stupid, ignorant, selfish, arrogant and ungracious than the last? You can't imagine for one moment that any of them would be any use in business, I guess all they really want is a TV career.

When in last night's episode a guy who is pitching an ice-cream business couldn't make ice-cream, I felt like banging my head against the wall. But why did he fail? Because he tried to screw the customer a little too hard, passing off the cheapest rubbish he could produce as 'premium'. That's the ethos they all have - it's depressing. Then there's that awful woman who is actually a school librarian, but seems to think she's Lady Diana Spencer. You just want a 16-ton weight dropped on the lot of them: how much more can we take?

It's gonna reach the point soon where it's more excruciating than entertaining (not least because of Lord SrAlan's own awful gags, he really needs a new writer). In fact I'm not sure we're not already there.

The Apprentice

I have watched this show from the start and in all that time Alan Sugar has made but one mistake in keeping a candidate on a further week when someone else should have gone, (Stuart Baggs) this very fact underpins the very real and identifiable skills that are required in the changing world of business. Of course these are very different skills from a profession that does not have a product or need to sell or market.

The candidates have often already risen to the top of the pile through avarice and it is for this reason and the constant refreshing of the format that keeps this show at the top of its game.

If I was to acknowledge a weakness it is the creeping political correctness and it's often London centric concerns that reflect the aberration of the metropolis and its peddling of liberal authoritarianism. The programme must always reflect the wider UK to maintain is relevance and preeminence.

Tom Allen on your fired is the best since Adrian Chiles

From the outset, this show has always been interesting. Tempers fraying, tense boardroom meetings and the on-going quarrels of Saira and Paul all mix together to make one hell of a good show.

I, myself, am rooting for Saira to win, but that is irrelevant at the moment. For anyone who hasn't watched it as of yet, do so. Yeah, Alan Sugar is a rude and ignorant jerk - but it just makes it more compelling to watch! As to who I think will win...well Miriam and James are good contenders, Paul is hope goes next because I find him repulsive, but he has a good chance. Saira also has a good chance.

Plus, Alan, I praise you for kicking Raj out - totally inadiquate.