The Da Vinci Virus

There's uneven and then there's this movie. The premise that the last person you'd think should look after the Holy Grail is the one chosen to do it...well, I've see it before.

In the first half hour, the only person I wanted to see (Tina) was dead already. The hero was like a post car-wreck Bill Pullman. The porno king kept reminding us he was acting. Limpy has a good look but not compelling enough to wait hour and eighteen minute for. And the writing was atrocious with needless amounts of exposition AFTER you know what going on. Or some heavy hand line like "I got degrees in Philosophy, Religion and Art." Hm. And this picture as RELIGIOUS themes? You must be very important to the plot. I'm sure some trailer park trash found stuff like this "real inneresting" but it made me laugh. And not in a good/bad way.

Still, the final nail in the cross...er...coffin were the innumerable audio stings faking you out. It's a valid technique but it gets dull watching and actor on the screen constantly flinching. I can almost picture the audition - "Now, there's a lot of flinching in this movie. Let's see you flinch."

Go watch God Told Me To, instead. At least that's an ambitious mess.

Wow, this was a waste of my life. I wish I could take the 1 hours and 48 minutes of my life back. The story was brutal, and very unbelievable. This movies is just garbage. I warn you, if you watch this, you too will wish for the almost 2 hours of time that this movie wasted back. The acting in this movie is also very brutal. Sometimes it sounds like they are reading their lines from cue cards. I am in shock, and awe, that movies like this are actually made. Sure it had a small budget, but so did Napoleon Dynamite, and look how successful that movie was :). I give this a 2 out of 10, because it wasn't the absolute worst movie I have ever seen, but it is sure close. Anyways, you have been warned...

The film centres around Jack, a photographer who lost his faith three years ago when his wife went mad and disappeared, without her his talent for art has gone too and he makes a living taking naked pictures of women for a website called 2ndcumming ( a play on words as we discover later). Jack finds himself in possession of the holy grail, which it is believed that any who look upon it will die, however he appears to be immune to it's powers, but nothing is what it seems in this excellent horror/thriller.

The movie is very slow, and is all the better for it, do not expect fast paced action and buckets of blood in this one! The start of the movie reminded me of a Lynch film as the dialogue and actions of the characters is slow and methodical, the whole film has a Lynch like feel to it and moves along as if we are getting nowhere, even the climax of the film is no Hollywood wham bam explosive type ending. The characters in the film all pretty much have something to do with the plot, there are very few incidental characters and the acting whilst a little wooden at times, keeps well in time with the pace of the movie, especially good as it is a cast of unknowns. Clearly influenced by some of the more creepy Japanese horrors that have come out in recent years, this relies heavily on chills and fear to give it it's edge, I was honestly shocked to see such a film coming from America. Throughout the film I was genuinely spooked and on edge, no particular jump out of your seat moments but the atmosphere of the movie keeps you unnerved throughout.

I highly recommend this if you don't mind your films slow and steady, do not expect the pace to pick up to Hollywood action speed at any point, this is a movie about atmosphere and emotion. A good American film for those who prefer the chills of Japanese horror movies and are looking for something a little more then blood and guts.

The story is not believable.

The acting is not believable.

The horror techniques have long since grown old and boring.

The result is that it's not scary. That is the primary problem. I never felt surprised or shocked. I didn't care about the characters. In fact, it was more like watching a poor zombie film where you simply can't wait for the next body to get ripped apart simply to keep you amused.

Lucky for everyone, this has been a good year for zombie and gore films, so you can check out Land of the Dead instead. Or even a better than average ghost film like Dark Water. Or a spookier, more brutal than average super-hero film like Batman Begins.

The entire story was so confusing and illogical that at one time in the film I just decided to stop trying to understand it. Enough said, there is a Holy Grail, a special breed of people that can see the Grail and not die called Protectors, some weirdos that want to help the Protectors (let's call them the Geeks) and some other weirdos that want the Grail for some unholy business. They all kind of shoot each other, full of Faith and all.

The beginning is pretty well done, with tensionate soundtrack and graphical to gory moments. But it just continues like that. There is no sense of anything after a while. After really dumb dialogues and scenes, where even the girls that come to pose for porn sites look bad, the whole thing degenerates into a mindless bloodbath. Lots of fake blood and then, the end. A final scene that shows what is going on after 77 years. Why 77? What was the purpose of the movie? No answer, really.

Conclusion: almost bad and totally boring.