The Limb Salesman

Some of you may come across this offering in Netflix: It will be cast in the Sci-Fi category. Another name may be "Limbs for Sale"

It's set in the future.

There are a few, FEW instants of Sci-Fi props. You will count them on one hand. And that will be that.

Past that-- this is a Staged Play that takes place in a Tattered Canada of the future. It involves a traveling Surgeon, a northern Water Baron, and his not quite 'on the level' family and house retainers who look like Cloned 'Lurches'.

Isolation. Bleakness. Barely controlled emotions under the surface. Family Secrets. Personal Vices. Unsuspecting innocence-- or maybe not quite as Innocent as we would believe.

In a way-- it's a kind of Victorian drama played out in the future.

Many Mainstream viewers looking for a Sci-Fi boom-Zap-Pow WILL be turned off by this. There are no fights. There isn't even a Single gun. From the set in the Old House, the sedate setting, the neo-Edwardian costumes. . .even the CARS are old 70's models.

But the point is that this is a Future CONSTRAINED by climate change. Not quite Apocalyptic, although I would somewhat disagree with the dystopian label.

If you do pull this DVD, you MUST be in the mood for something slower and low octane. This movie is more of a literary flavor than the Sci-Fi label purports. I would slot this movie for a slow, rainy Sunday Afternoon. Give it a little time-- the Actors are putting serious dark energy into their performance and their professional touch is to be appreciated. And the Ending is actually. . .poetic.

Also-- this one is Girlfriend-Friendly. She will probably still be sitting on the couch when you get up now and then to hit the fridge.

I say Give it a chance.

THE LIMB SALESMAN is a complete bag of ass. It's like someone from Degrassi Junior High directed it. It was as poorly written as it was executed. The location was uninteresting, the set and costume design was amateurish at best, and most of the acting was lame, save for Julian Richings who is always a treat.

It's too bad really. It had a catchy title and an interesting idea, which was then hammed up with sappy dialogue delivered by flat emotionless actors. There were some decent drug nightmare sequences, but ultimately they could not save a worthless film. I want my time and money back. (2/10)

While the story may not be to everyone's taste, this movie has some things to admire. First off, it's the best looking non-HD digital film I've seen. The 35mm blow up looks terrific and I think the DP and producers deserve a lot of credit of achieving such a high quality look on what I'm sure was a meagre budget.

I also enjoyed the score. The composer is clearly someone who is or could be playing in the big leagues and his work lends a lot to the emotional impact of the film. And while the acting wasn't exceptional, it was solid throughout.

It's not clear how this unique film will fare in the marketplace but I think the creative team has accomplished a lot with it and have set themselves up for bigger budgets and projects.

The Limb Salesman is a science fiction love story written and directed by Anais Granofsky, whom you may know better as 'Lucy' from Degrassi Junior High.

It's always fun to write reviews of bad movies, and I feared that most films screened at the Toronto film festival would be of a certain caliber since they were clearly chosen by educated programming directors and screening committees. Lucky for me I forgot about one thing-- independent Canadian cinema.

First off, the movie is shot on video, so it has that great cheap made-in-my-basement Canadian feel to it. Not necessarily the best choice for a quasi-futuristic sci-fi romantic epic -it reeks of a final-year school project.

It takes place in a dystopian future that is part cybergrunge and part Victorian period piece. And since it's shot on video, it looks like what I imagine would happen if the Wachowski brothers directed an episode of Road to Avonlea (it even features Jackie Burroughs!)

The premise? Cellular regeneration and genetic engineering are blackmarket specials for the 'limb salesman' who is hired by an industrialist to give his stumpy daughter some real legs to walk around on. Meanwhile there is a subplot of a social uprising of the working class- miners that exist entirely offscreen. 'I just came from the mines,' explain characters, 'there's been a horrible accident of which you'll have to take my word!'

For a move that tries to take itself as seriously and as epic as The Matrix it is devoid of any and all special effects. The wardrobe looks like it was found entirely at a flea market or at Value Village and the whole thing is laced with horrible unnatural dialogue delivered in stiff, high school acting (fitting, I suppose, that it was directed by a Degrassi alumnus).

'Your day will come!' 'Are you finished?' 'Quite!'

It was all I could do to not roll my eyes every 5 minutes when another sci-fi cliché was introduced into the story, such as this beauty: The world's most expensive, precious commodity? You guessed it. Water. $100 shotglasses of the stuff are sipped with comically orgasmic effects. I guess the writers forgot to notice that they situated the entire movie in a house surrounded by fields and fields of waist-high snow. 'I long to see the ocean,' laments a character, clutching a tattered postcard of some tropical locale. 'I long for the credits to start rolling,' laments this moviegoer.

Doors are locked with thumb-print scanners, hybird computers (poorly ripped off from Gilliam's Brazil) and CD-ROMs comprise some of the 'futuristic' technology but for some reason people still listen to Victrolas.

This movie takes itself so seriously it is laughable. I only wish I could see it again as an episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

Oh and the irony? Our regenerative specialist, the limb salesman (appropriately stupidly named Gabriel Goode), has a failing heart. Which of course is prime fodder for the all the romantic melodrama.

Steering clear of this one should be easy, as I can't imagine you'll ever see it in theaters. 1/ 10

In a snow-covered landscape? I really wanted to like this film but nearly EVERY scene dragged. Too hard to watch...