The Poseidon Adventure

I tried. Oh Lordy I tried for 2 hours, but figuring the last 50 minutes would be better spent staring at my cat, I gave up.

I usually have good things to say about even the worst movies. "Mars Needs Women"? Acting was actually pretty good. "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus"? The plane scene made my day.

But ""The Poseidon Adventure"" (I put in double quotes so not to associate it with any other works of a similar name) was so bad it was good... but then it rolled over into bad again. Beginning with a comic bookish raid on a terror cell (note how they blow the flimsy aluminum garage door open and it leaves a perfectly circular hole whilst leaving the rest of the door standing completely intact lol), the filmmakers immediately establish an irrelevant sideplot about the Department of Homeland Security and a bunch of other miscellaneous Tough American Guy outfits chasing terrorists.

This wouldn't have been so annoying if they hadn't wasted so much time on gratuitous military base scenes and random 1-scene actors running around like the beginning of the tv show Hogan's Heroes. I'm not exaggerating; almost half the movie isn't on the ship, it's about SEAL teams gearing up, military types barking orders, cheesy graphics of GPS satellites circling overhead (real suspenseful there) and soldiers playing poker.

You get the feeling early on that this movie, made in 2005, was just capitalizing on the post 9/11 go-team-USA vibe. It crosses over into propaganda territory with several lines about how Homeland Security doesn't have the funding it needs, as well as a laughable plug for racial profiling (A murder is committed on the ship, and within 5 minutes the Homeland Security guy narrows it down to the 3 culprits by looking at the ship's manifest and checking for people who are from "terrorist-harboring countries". I AM NOT KIDDING! Was Trump watching this trash when he cooked up his many travel ban(s)?

Oh wait, there's something about a boat. And passengers trying to escape. But the story is actually more focused on a husband having an affair with the ship's masseuse while his 2 kids run around the ship and discover dead bodies and stuff. And then there's a random French chick who decides to rip off her dress, like completely, so they can use the fabric to cover their mouths as they run through a fire. Who comes UP with this stuff???

Oh I gotta go, my cat just blinked. Victory is mine!

While the original movie was quite suspenseful this movie is over three hours long which not only makes the suspense last longer but also allows you to focus more on the characters and their own personal issues. This movie really had me really excited especially during the final twenty minutes, which grabbed me by the throat and refused to let go!

This movie has the same basic storyline as the original film, a capsized cruise ship the Poseidon and a group of survivors makes an audacious attempt to reach the hull of ship while trying to bypass many life threatening hazards and death traps. But while the Poseidon was capsized by as tsunami in the original film, in this TV remake the Poseidon is capsized by a terrorist bombing. Also while the original film only told the story from the survivors point of view, this film also explains the situation outside the Poseidon. For example the ocean radio monitoring service trying to figure out what happened to the Poseidon when all radio contact is lost, and once the situation is learned we see the navy and marines racing against time to reach the Poseidon and discussing how they are going to rescue any survivors.

However there will also be another remake of 'The Poseidon Adventure' released early next year. This time it will be a major film called 'Poseidon'. Why are they making to remakes so close together? I'm not sure but it has been done before. For example in 1996 a TV movie was released of 'Titanic' just a year before James Camerons multiple Oscar winning film was released.

Also I wonder why this TV movie was released in Australia before it is even released in America? But it's good that we Aussies get to be the first to see this great TV remake of a classic suspense thriller. All together this is certainly one highly suspenseful movie and I certainly recommend it to anyone who is a fan of the original film.

OK, this movie was not saved even by ADAM BALDWIN!! And what's up with ROBOCOP getting shot so soon in the movie? He was horrible!! And he was drinking on duty? And then there is that dude from Police Academy. Oh my GOD he was sad. When he said "Cruiseships are not supposed to capsize" I almost barfed out a lung. I mean, this was sad. Then there is Rutger Hauer and C Thomas Howell as a Priest and Ships doctor respectively? I was half expecting Rutger to allude to "The Hitcher" and talk about the juice that spurts out of an eyeball when stabbed. Then there is that dude who is a poor man's Michael Caine! Yes, that annoying Aussie from Cocktail. He was PATHETIC as a poorly baked cake on Hitler's birthday. His acting was sad and NOT good. Then there was this CRUISE SHIP that TERRORISTS happened to infiltrate? I have been on Carnival Cruise Line and trust me, there are NO TERRORIST LOOKING DUDES EVEN ALLOWED to work on those boats!! If you look like HodGee from Johnny Qwest, then you DO NOT GET HIRED! Avoid this movie and save yourself from TORTURE IN THE NINTH DEGREE OF HELL!

By accident, we rented this instead of the original. I couldn't imagine this movie being any worse. Several scenes and characters have been added, which have no real value. There's the guy from police academy in some awful "divorce" angle. A fake ex-American idol contestant sings a whole song for no reason. There's a kids who's not just annoying, but is making humorous handi-cam films with the help of the zany crew. And oh yeah, there's a terror attack, because the dead horse is only half-beaten by TV standards, I guess. There's also a creepy old crewman who's trying to get with some teenager, and the priest in this film is a far weaker character/actor.

Add in some of the most un-inspired editing, music, and dialogue imaginable and that sums up the worst of this movie. I'd rather draw a picture of boat upside-down and stare at it for two hours rather than repeat watching 10 min. of this film.

I am a huge fan of the original 1972 classic......They ruined, butchered the original. How this ever got approved is beyond me? They should of retitled this "The Love Boat: The Sinking"......I mean that is what I felt like I was watching. You get a bunch of actors that should of put on The Surreal Life and put them in this......There is nothing about this remake that even comes close to the original. The whole entire movie was rewritten......Not even a tidal wave, guys come on.......Oh and the terrorist plot how genius....NOT!! This piece of garbage is laughable and a disgrace......I would rather sit and watch Barney by myself for two hours! I have never seen a worse remake of a movie. The remake of Carrie came close but this takes the cake!!!! This is S.S. Disaster!!!!! Way to go!!!