Dark Waters

Sci-Fi Channel's "Original Pictures" arm is fast becoming the AIP-clone for the New Millennium, and it's movies just like this one that prove it. You only have to see the credit "Starring Lorenzo Lamas" to know exactly what you're in for. And no matter how low your expectations, I don't think the hardiest bad-movie fan is ready for this 'deep-star-sixed' turkey.

Lorenzo and made-for-gratuitous-breast-shots-hottie Simone MacKinnon play--what else?--a failed marine biologist/oceanographer and his cohort. Once legit scientists who actually ran a real exploratory institute, specializing in environmental studies and research, (yeah, right), they have become mere scam artists, bilking rich idiots out of tens of thousands of dollars for a new, non-existent "project": the discovery and eventual exploration of "ATLANTIS."

At the film's opening, stolen right from the script pages of another howler, DEEP BLUE SEA, (which was twice as bad, but also two times more entertaining than this), a private deep-core drilling station is trashed by a school of animated marauding sharks (yes, you DID read that correctly), who also make its inhabitants into fast fish food.

Cut to the aforementioned pseudo-soiree. LL and Simone have just finished fleecing a bevy of bountiful society boobies, but then the "hunters get captured by the game." Next thing they know, they find themselves waking from unconsciousness and headed for the dilapidated headquarters where the institute was founded by LL's late dad. There to greet them is the man who may have been responsible for Papa's demise, played with the usual workmanlike dependability by Canadian staple Bruce Gray, (and you already know how much you should trust characters played by Canadian actors with the first name "Bruce.") Bruce offers the sci-cons a sweetheart of a deal: investigate the shark attack on his drilling station, and he'll make all their legal and monetary problems disappear. (Haven't people learned about deals like this YET???)

I could bore you with the rest of the details, but why bother? You already know it by-the-numbers: super-brainy sharks, genetic experimentation gone awry, government/military conspiracy and cover-ups, lots of bullets flying, soldiers and scenery chewed, yadayadayada. Just keep in mind: the credits in this movie list both a director of visual effects AND a director of animation, so you know that the majority of the budget was spent on hair care products for the two "stars."

Which reminds me...that's about what this movie is worth. And that's because I happen to like Bruce Gray. The sharks are a bonus. Now if they only could've snacked on the screenwriters...

"We go in on 3, ready... 3,2,1 Go!", is an example of the idiotic dialogue that plagues Dark Waters. Not to mention the scene where our heroes escape and go galavanting around the bridge of a sub on a top-secret mission and manage to convince the officers that they are on a tour. [note: this movie is not a comedy] Dark Waters insults the intelligence of the viewer. What do I know, maybe it IS possible to abandon ship at 5,400 feet. I score Dark Waters a 3, only because the action is plentiful and Simmone Mackinnon is HOT.

With the advent of straight to video movies, a whole new genre of 'B' movie seems to be appearing. This is one of them. It can't seem to make up it's mind if it wants to be a horror movie, or a sci-fi movie or an action flick. In all honesty, it fails on all levels for ALL of them. Lorenzo delivers as good a performance as can be, considering the script. He counterpart is fun to look at, but she's only tolerable if you turn the sound down on your TV. The graphics leave a great deal to be desired, especially in a day and age where really, really good graphics are available at a reasonable price from a variety of start up animation companies. The sharks are reminiscent of "Anaconda" (the first one). Remember how bad the snakes were? The sharks are worse. Really. Unless you're desperate, I'd pass on this one. It has it's moments, but for the most part, it's an incredibly uncomfortable experience.

Wow, I knew this movie would not be very good, but I thought that maybe there would be something amusing about it. Not so! The sharks are ridiculous looking computer-generated blobs with lots of teeth. You could create a script like this by randomizing cliches such "It's my way or the highway" and "Damned if you do, damned if you don't". There wasn't really a plot, or a point to the movie. I must admit though, the cheese factor is pretty high on this movie. That is why I give it a 2. Yes, the leading lady is kind of hot, but this is a made for TV movie, so it's an empty threat. I like sharks, but the sharks didn't do anything interesting. They were the basis for all of the human interaction, nothing more.

I find it difficult to write a review on such an uninspired, unoriginal, unmotivated film. Neither sci-fi, action, horror, comedy, nor anything in between for that fact, it runs through the direct-to-video paces as comfortably as it needs to in order to still be watchable without ever being any good.

Lorenzo Llamas is an oceanic researcher hard up for some funding. Together with his assistant they seduce money out of socialites at (and after) fund raisers. One night the two are drugged and taken to the estate of a man whom might have a job for them. They are to escort him to an underwater researcher station to find out why communications have been lost. Things take a turn for the dangerous when they are set upon by a school of intelligent great white sharks.

The script is bored with plot holes like swiss-cheese. Not to mention script irregularities. Nothing ever seems to flow logically and every event seems to happen at random without regard for plot evolution.

That should be expected from a DtV flick, but the genre hopping comes strait out of left field. It starts out a horror film, becomes a sci-fi, shifts to action, takes a turn for the comedic, goes back to horror, then kind of tosses them all in together for the conclusion. More than once I asked "what kind of movie are they trying to make?"

All is not terrible though, thus the average rating. For one the sets and FX are well above par for a low budget cheese fest like this and the actors (while never given a single intelligent thing to do) are lively and energetic; it seems like they at least had fun making the movie.

One could do much better than this, and one could do much worse; it really isn't for anybody as it fails to either excite or irritate.

5/10