Feeders 2: Slay Bells

I had the priviledge of seeing this film at a local film festival in Cincinatti. This film is like no other on Earth. It is completely breathtaking in its utter awe and beauty.

When you see the little aliens for the first time, you will be amazed by the magnificent special effects. I have heard rumors that $150,000,000 went into designing the aliens alone.

The acting is nothing short of supreme. Breathtaking performances define this film. You will be moved to tears by the hilarious comedy scenes and the horrible tragedies the characters face. Truly, this is acting worthy of Shakespeare himself.

Then there is the musical score. Your ears will jump with joy when you hear the music. The sound is absolutely Oscar-worthy.

There's no other way to put it. Feeders 2: Slay Bells is sure to be remembered as one of the finest films of the 20th century.

You've seen Feeders and you think to yourself, what a wonderful world. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, a sequel-urge is nipping at your nose.

Well this ain't no winter wonderland, Jack. This is a coal burning furnace spitting the fiery flames of futility at your dismayed visage.

Yes, Feeders 2 is a sequel in every sense of the word. The Feeders are back, and this time Santa joins the fray. A nice little asynchronous segment featuring a character from the first Feeders is thrown in, apparently to stun and confuse the audience. Then it gets worse. Once the nerve endings gain sensation again, there is nothing but pain.

The best scene is where a guy goes into his basement, then into his basement's basement, then apparently into his basement's basement's sub basement to get killed by a Feeder.

And at one point someone thinks a Feeder is a toy.

Well that's a no-brainer, they look that fake.

Gone is the delirious Ed-Wood-Meets-Larry-Flint fun of the original feeders, and as a retread, this film gets a flat tire. Where Feeders fed, even though this movie is led to the same watering hole, it poops instead of feeds. You can lead a dead sequel out to pasture but you can't make it drink from the fountain of its own futility. No sir, you take that unpleasant pull off the tap of tepidness by your lonesome if you see this film.

Where is the fun? In the sub-sub-basement. Where is the acting? The only acting in this film is the fast-acting damage inducing effects of seeing the acting of the the tortuous kids, kids that would make you take your own life if they were your kids. If they were someone else's kids that you only saw once in your life, you might take your life just to show your support that the parents should take their own lives.

If you see this movie, don't take your own life. Hasn't the movie done enough? Just vomit, shake it off, and seek therapy.

Feeders 2 picks up where Feeders left off, at the top of the urinal bowl. Then it plunges right in and you flush away 90 minutes of your life.

This film reminded me of another low budget homemade type film called "Things"; however, this one may of had a coherent plot (Things absolutely did not) it still manages to be worse than that film which had to really bum out the makers of "Things" as they were literally trying to make the most horrible film in existence. I would have been more kind to this thing, but they did something I find inexcusable in a sequel and that is a good portion of this film uses the footage from the first film. Hell, it even did a few scenes from the first more than once! A recap of the previous film is sometimes necessary, as the old Friday the 13th films did this, but they lasted less than five minutes and were done and over because they would occur at the beginning of the film. This one is chugging along and all of a sudden we are back to the guy recapping his story, only this time it is like a 10 to 15 minute rundown!

The story (aside from the recap) has a family about to enjoy Christmas. Well, enjoy may be to strong a word as the mom and dad are just there to endure it. Aliens called feeders are on their way though and even though anyone killed by an alien you can grab in one hand and smash dead to the ground deserves it. The husband goes to work where his boss verbally abuses the husband to the point of lunacy as we cut to scenes of children playing with rolls of paper and boxes and stuff you see in home movies only you are seeing it used in an actual movie to pass the time. The things kill, but the effects suck as the gore not enough to cover up the crap that is feeders!

The cast is bland, my guess is that it consists of the Polonia brothers family and friends. I am guessing that even though they did not have much in the way of budget, they could not make an adult film as the two brothers did not know anyone attractive enough to headline one of those. The mother looks like something out of the late 70's or early 80's as does the father. They tack on a couple of scenes to pad the film such as a priest and a woman and her cat, but for the most part the film is padded with the previous film.

The film is pretty much a home brew and I would say it is quite a bad one as even "Things" where they were trying to be as bad as possible isn't as bad as this. People who say Manos: The Hands of Fate is the worst film, definitely have not delved into the depths of bad cinema, because that film is better than this one too. There are really no saving graces to the film other than the film is coherent to a degree, but that is not exactly high praise as there have been way better incoherent films than this. I will not go so far as to say it is the worst film I've ever seen though, so it has that going for it.

Holy... They made this one even cheaper than the first! I'm not kidding here. This time the barely mobile aliens look like papier mache over lightbulbs! The acting is just as bad, the story just as lame. Worst part: there are flashbacks from feeders! Thanks to Mike, Kevin and Bill this is watchable. Still utterly horrible, but still funny as hell thanks to rifftrax.

The Good News: only 68 minutes long.

The Bad News: its 68 minutes of Polonia video tripe.

These guys should be taken as true encouragement to Indie film producers. If they can sell this offal, then you CAN succeed. Take heart.

The DVD release contains commentaries where the actors/writers/director/cameraman (there appears to only be 4 people involved in total) admits that they spent no money whatsoever. So in light of that, it IS impressive that they could talk anyone into releasing it on DVD. Or maybe they won a lottery and paid someone to do it.