Tooth : La Petite Fée de la dent de lait et le Mystère de Noël

...this film is truly, truly awful.

I cannot believe how fragmented and totally lacking in humour this film was.

Released in the UK to coincide with the half-term school holiday and therefore guaranteed a pretty full house, there were only two people who I heard laugh out loud in the entire film. I don't think either of them were children.

Honestly, don't waste your time with this one...

Given its subject, it's apt that this utterly charmless mockery of a children's film is as much fun as a backstreet root canal.

It fancies itself a 'fantastic star-studded British fairy tale comedy', positing a mischievous tooth fairy called, er, Tooth who despairs that her kind have traded magic for technology, makes Fairytopia bankrupt two days before Christmas and sets off to find Mrs Santa Claus to relearn the old ways while a team of fairy-hunters try to catch her.

For 'star-studded' you get Harry Enfield, Richard E Grant, Stephen Fry and Vinnie Jones mugging through the bitter syrup as if they were in a school play, for 'British' read 'set in the USA with shoddy accents' and as for 'comedy' ... well, don't wait up.

Amazingly, the publicity claims: '... kids across the land will be shutting their eyes tightly and wishing for a visit from Tooth ...'. Yeah, and they also love eating Brussels sprouts, doing logorithms and going to bed early in the summer.

If you really love your kids, keep them off the harmful sugar and additives – and that's the Tooth of the matter.

I would like to issue a little warning: beware of the positive remarks about this "film" (for lack of a better word) on the user comments page.. they all seem to have come from either the same source or from someone who has never submitted a review before, thus proving my theory that they all come from some non-too-subtle publicist. And that goes for the message board too. Tooth is flopping quite nicely at the UK box office due to it's appalling acting, cheapo special effects and gut-wrenching sentimental moments, and I'd hate to see even one person fooled into going because of one sad person's efforts (Who probably hasn't even sat through this pig-sty of a movie). Thank you. That is all.

Remembering my own childhood test for the existence of the Tooth Fairy by secretly placing an old baby tooth under my pillow and NOT finding it replaced by money in the morning, I hope the title of this new film "Tooth" does not stop dentist-phobes from taking themselves and their children to see this irreverent and very funny film about the battle between good and evil, social class, and industrial efficiency at the interface of the Real World and the Magic World. These fairies are not Tinkerbell or Lang's fairies in pastel tones. These fairies--such as Fat, Bitter, Stutter, Chef, Professor, and Tango Fairy--have more in common with Willy Wonka, without the meanness. These are not the fairies at the bottom of the garden but ones passing in the Real World who must rediscover their magical purposes. In this story, the Age of Man is resisted by the Age of Magic, successfully at least for a while with the help of ordinary human heroes: children and their parents. The look of the film is lush and the well-done characters are comic commentaries on modern times (e.g, Mrs. Claus using a shiny motorized scooter for the aged and infirm).

Yesterday I went to see this film, mainly because last year I had started writing a children's book about a tooth fairy world and wondered how it could have turned out. I am a 23 year old, but enjoy children's films too, and after seeing Harry Enfield on This Morning suggesting that it had a lot of gags for adults too, I was looking forward to it.

How wrong could I be! It had a good cast, but had no real story, appeared to be dull and dreary, couldn't decided which country it was set in (US Dollars and British pennies apparently making up the currency), couldn't decide which decade it was shot in and had no likable characters whatsoever.

Please do go and make up your own mind, I want other people to see it just to know how much you wish it was over.

I am going to leave it at that before my blood pressure shoots up again!