Satan's Playground

This movie was so goddamn AWFUL that even thinking about it now makes me wince in pain.

• The acting is terrible. So...very terrible...not one of the people in this movie can act...Acting is not one of their talents, they have no acting ability, acting is beyond their limited talents, I know dead fish who had more liberating careers yadda yadda. Trust me.

• The story is really...meh...It's badly written, uninspired and the storyline really is pathetic, disjointed and altogether boring.

• It has the typical stupid plot points, where people do stupid things and you lose all respect for them as characters.

• Can I mention the terrible acting again? - It was painful...seriously...

• I mean...I wish I could find more to complain about but there's so little substance to the film and all the people in it that there's literally nothing left to say about it, apart from, Whatever you do, DO NOT watch this film unless you enjoy the slow and painful melting of your own brain as you sit through the most retarded and pathetic attempt at movie making you will ever witness.

I'm doing this to save people from wasting a good 90 minutes of precious, precious life.

With SATAN'S PLAYGROUND, Director Dante Tomaselli takes the bleak nightmare world of his last effort, HORROR, and fuses it with a more linear story line. It's a supernatural monster movie with a crazy, demonic twist. Within its kitchen sink of terrors are the legendary Jersey Devil, a lunatic family, and human sacrifice.

1980's cult horror icons Ellen Sandweiss and Felissa Rose play sisters Paula and Donna, who, along with Paula's baby and Donna's husband and autistic son, find themselves up against the aforementioned dangers. Also along for the ride is Edwin Neal, who pretty much reprises his bat$h!t role from THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.

Tomaselli makes use of the Pine Barrens, swooping his camera around a la EVIL DEAD. People seem to either hate this movie utterly, or see it as a masterpiece. In reality, it's somewhere in between these extremes, deserving none of the hyperbole of either side. Still, it is worth seeing...

A family in New Jersey drives along an isolated road, and the father is falling asleep at the wheel. His wife (I thought at first she was his daughter) mainly bitches at him, and he falls asleep two or three times since nobody has the sense to replace him behind the wheel. Their station wagon gets stuck in mud alongside a road. They're unable to push it out and don't try to put anything under the wheels for traction. The father walks into the woods to find help for some reason, rather than walking down the road. He comes across a boarded- up house and asks for a phone.

What seems like like hours later, the wife (Felissa Rose) goes off in the woods in the same direction. Somehow she winds up at the same house, and asks for the phone. While she had earlier said that her son was foaming at the mouth in the back seat of the car because he was scared and not because of a seizure, at the house she says her autistic eighteen- year-old son was having a seizure. She also says that her husband has seen a house in the woods - he hadn't. The old woman at the house mentions she has thirteen children, two of them living at home, both of them in their forties and retarded.

A cop stops by the house. He says there had been some kids dressed up in Halloween costumes outside. He hears Felissa calling for help in the basement, but accepts the old woman's explanation that it's a stray cat. Dumb! He returns to his car, an old beater with a blue light on top. He gets attacked by something from the sky, and these minor injuries apparently kill him. Despite the death of a police officer, later in the movie they send out just one officer and one of the victims to check the house!

Back at the car, the sister sees the cop's car parked in front of the station wagon. Why didn't he check the station wagon before going to the house? How did he see the people outside the house when it was far in the woods? How did he return to his car so quickly? This is a movie with lots of writing and continuity problems.

Sis leaves her baby in the car when she checks the police car, and naturally it's gone when she returns. She goes into the woods, also manages to come across the same house, and asks to use the phone. She freaks out there, and scares a teenage girl who stopped by the house to use the phone. Surprising the old lady's palm reading business wasn't more popular at such a popular location!

The autistic son had gone into the woods also and knocked himself out. He too goes to the house, and eventually gets sucked into the ground, like a character in Tomaselli's Desecration, which is more interesting than this movie!

And on it goes. Much of the musical score is quite poor, particularly the instrumental song that is apparently supposed to be playing on the radio. The acting is just execrable, almost all-around. I couldn't say whether this was the casting or the direction of the actors. Ellen Sandweiss is OK, and attractive, but has a small role. There are horror clichés aplenty, like one character finding it easier to jump out what is apparently a third story window, than trying to break through a thin first-story door with a large window in it. The ending is pathetic, a steal from Evil Dead that I suppose is meant as a tribute, but just feels cheap.

Avoid!

It seemed like a stereotypical dysfunctional family, presumably Italian-American, on a trip through the woods in New Jersey. They break down and, like the back roads of Texas, they come upon things they should have left alone.

Felissa Rose seemed more like the daughter than the wife, but I'll play along. If Frank (Salvatore Paul Piro) can get a wife like that, there is hope for me.

Major screams from Felissa Rose, putting her at the head of the class as a Scream Queen.

Creepy, bloody, suspenseful fun makes for a good scary pic with some very weird characters.

I just wasted 80 minutes of my life watching this trash. What the hell was that? No one fought back. All they did was scream. I mean there is "unrealistic" horror, sure. But this was "UNREALISTIC" horror. If you can call it that. I heard Dante was a "great" horror director. I guess I was dead wrong. The cover makes it look pretty good and then ...nope. I recommend Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2. Most of the time I just laughed, and not good laughter. Just because it was pathetic. It just goes to show that the cover of the DVD can really be deceiving. I don't think I will ever watch a Dante movie again. Don't waste your time. Not even 1 out of 10.