If Footmen Tire You What Will Horses Do?

This movie was one that all our local churches gathered for a viewing when it first came out. IMDb has the release year to be 1971, but, we must have been seen it before it was officially released, because I was 5 years old when I saw it the spring or summer of 1969. I remember screaming and hiding my face in Daddy's shirt. It was the SINGLE most terrifying movie that I watched as a child. Horror movies, viewed as a teen, never left such impression on me as this movie did. It is not such a "scary" show NOW in this day and age, but, at the time, it was not a movie for a child to see. My parents have always apologized when this movie has been brought up in conversation. So, please, keep in mind that, while this movie is okay for older children and up, it is not appropriate for children who have not yet learned the difference between what's real and what's not real.

Before I get into the review, I must say that the background of this film is interesting. Ron Ormond, a low budget C-grade movie director on the level of Ed Wood, survived a small plane crash with his family. Instead of thinking that maybe he's not a very good pilot, he saw it as a sign from God that instead of making terrible B movies, he must make terrible Christian movies. He teamed up with a preacher named Estus W. Pirkle to make Pirkle's book of the same name into the hour-long sermon that is "Footmen."

From the very beginning, even before watching the film, you know it's going to be terrible, mainly in that the title is too long and unwieldy. It may be OK for the title of a book, but movie titles are usually a lot shorter and to the point. Something Ron apparently didn't learn in film school.

The film itself consists mainly of Estus W. Pirkle giving a sermon in a church while occasional flashbacks show graphic detail of what Pirkle believes will happen if the United States doesn't get Christian enough and allows the commies to take over. From making children run through a stream, numerous shots of dead bodies with ultra-fake blood all over them, teaching children that praying to Jesus doesn't get you candy but praying to Fidel Castro does, dropping people on pitchforks, to shooting Christians leaving a church service, you get the general idea that when the commies come life will be particularly bad for Christians. The beheading scene is particularly hilarious in that not-meant-to-be-funny way of bad movies like this. However, the scene where the child with sticks poked into his eardrums is vomiting is particularly disturbing when you realize they must have really made him vomit for that scene.

And one thing that seems particularly funny is that when the commies come they won't be driving tanks, but they'll be riding horseback. In fact, none of the communist soldiers or officers drove any kind of vehicles at all except for the one white Ford pickup with a gun rack in the back window. And for some reason the commies all have M16 rifles in one scene. I guess living in a communist economy meant shortages of AK-47's so they had to steal rifles from the U.S. military when they invaded.

As far as the technical aspects go, the sound is bad and the color tends to get washed out even in dark scenes. The acting, of course, is particularly atrocious, and the main commie officer can't seem to hold his accent together. Not to mention that the armbands on their uniforms look like something made by children in grade school.

Then of course you have the message, a mixture of paranoia and religion. The basic message that Pirkle gives is that within 24 months (back in 1971), if we don't stop watching Saturday morning cartoons, dancing, and going to drive-in movies, God will leave America and go to Indonesia (strange because that country has a huge Muslim population) and without God living here (that's right, he seems to insinuate that God is an American) the commies will easily take over and start killing Christians. Apparently fundamentalist Christians had a persecution complex even 40 years ago. And of course the only solution is to fill churches with bible-believing people to listen to bible-banging preachers. I just hope they don't all fall asleep during the sermon like some of the people did in this movie.

The writing of this movie is completely horrible, since watching this movie is about as fun as listening to a street corner preacher for an hour. The flashback scenes with the communists persecuting Christians were totally laughable. And of course, what Christian movie would be complete without a come-to-Jesus moment? This movie is hilarious only when you look at it through the lens of what some crazy fundamentalist Christians believe. Of course, nowadays they're not afraid of communists so much as they are Muslims. The old paranoia is still there, only the bogeymen have changed. This movie is worth a laugh or two and shouldn't be taken seriously by anyone, even Christians. My condolences to anyone who was forced to watch this at their church group as a child.

The entire movie is available on Youtube, but for a better version look for the version by the Riffing Religion guys who give it an MST3K treatment.

If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horsemen Do is one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies ever made. Intended as a warning of the dangers of communism-and dancing!-the film comes across as a bizarre black comedy, thanks to the ineptitude of Rev. Estus Pirkle and the Ormond family of filmmakers.

The film, made in 1967, argues that communism will overrun the United States within the next two years if there is not a massive turn to fundamentalist Christianity. Mixing shoestring reenactments of communist atrocities with segments of Rev. Pirkle preaching, the film only succeeds as a testimony to the insanity of extreme evangelical Christians.

The presented reasons why America will fall to communism are laughable. Rev. Pirkle cites falling church attendance, sex education in public schools, and dancing-the gateway to adultery! We see these problems through the example of Judy, a wayward girl who, for some reason, still feels the need to go to church. The sex education bit is particularly amusing, with a teacher telling his students about the seven erogenous zones. Somehow, I think I missed that lesson when I went to school.

The atrocity reenactments are hilarious by sheer power of their ineptitude. Horrific human rights abuses took place under communism, but this is not the place to look for a serious examination of them. Rather we are treated to sights such as people slowly dropping to the ground when hit by machine gun fire and boys vomiting because their ears have been pierced with bamboo. However, the most hilarious part has to be when a Russian commissar lapses into an Okie accent while berating a young boy.

I ultimately split on my vote for this one. It's funny, but horribly made, so I gave it a five.

The Reverent Estus Pirckle (no--I never heard of him either) of the Baptist Church lectures a rapt audience on how the communists will be taking over America in the next 24 months! (Considering this film is over 40 years old and communists haven't taken over America I believe the good reverend was wrong). While he's lecturing we are shown "accurate" portrayals of what communists have done in other countries. We get LOTS of views of "dead" men, women and children covered with the fakest blood I've ever seen. The good (sic) reverend tells us about the evils of sex education, Saturday morning cartoons (!!), drive-in movies, dancing (which always leads to sex), alcohol, drugs, magazines, newspapers, books---hell everything! Only Jesus Christ and the Bible will save us. (I guess if you're not Christian you're out of luck).

According to this the takeover will begin with the president and ALL governors throughout the US being shot and killed! Then the communists will round up all Christians and torture and kill them. We see such charming sights as a little boy tied up and having a bamboo stick driven through his ears (and throwing up), a man dangled over pitchforks while tied up, another kid beheaded, people shot down left and right. It SOUNDS horrific but the "special" effects are pathetic, the acting is terrible and everything you're told is so inaccurate that it's impossible to take with a straight face. A laugh a minute here. It's not on DVD but is available (for free) through Google Video.

I agree with aagedeppa's review above. I was shown this film in the early 70's as a 8 or 9 year old at church along with my younger sister. I would like to think my parents wouldn't have let me watch if they'd been there but my house was "a kid rides the bus to church" kind. This film traumatized me beyond belief! I will NEVER get the image of the little boy having the stick pushed through his brain and vomiting. I just wonder WTH the adults (deacons, preacher, etc.) were thinking letting small children watch this? Please, no matter what your religious beliefs are DO NOT allow young children to view this film, unless you're willing to part with cash for therapy!!!