Centipede!

I caught this movie really late at night on the Sci-Fi Channel - aka Insomniac Central - which seems to proudly own the rights to every bad movie ever made. If you think their daytime programming is awful, you should check out what they wait until after midnight to air.

Movies like this.

It was a 120-minute train wreck that I truly couldn't take my eyes off of. I have seriously been witness to one of the worst movies ever made, complete with a cast that, if they play their cards right, might one day graduate to bigger and better roles in amateur porn.

It's nothing you haven't seen before - typical giant bug of the day run amok due to irresponsible toxic waste dumping movie (complete with exclamation point) - only worse. It's an anachronism in a way - a throwback to those cheap giant bug creatures of the 50's. Only this one isn't played for camp.

It actually takes itself seriously.

There is, though, one reason to check this out during one of the 1,265 times that Sci-Fi will re-air it over the next 5 months: 'The Dance' scene must be witnessed to be believed.

A group of irritating young American dudes and babes explore a cavern in India. Our sexy adventurers don't know how to cave, but they sure know how to smirk.

I found none of the characters likable. But worse than that was the deplorable lack of the most basic caving knowledge, exemplified in the dialogue and the visuals. We're told the cave is three miles deep. In reality, the deepest known cave in the world is a little over one mile.

In the "depths" of this movie cave, most of the lighting comes from an unidentified background source, and resembles moon glow. The cavers never seem to notice it. In real caves, even at fairly shallow depths, except for light the cavers themselves bring in, absolute darkness prevails. In the movie, the vertical technique used by the cavers is all wrong. Further, their behavior inside the cave is juvenile and moronic. And I know of no cave wherein the passageways are conducive to ... sprinting.

For me, "Centipede!" did not evoke tension or suspense. There was just too much that was hokey. The inside of the cave looked like an indoor movie set. There was nothing about it that was awe inspiring or foreboding. The large centipede was less menacing than merely clunky. And the film's plot was unoriginal and predictable.

As for the acting, I thought the fake centipede did a better job than the actors. The film's dialogue was dreadful. And the Indian officials coming to the rescue lacked credibility. The one element of this film that did have credibility was the background music.

Overall, "Centipede!" is cheap looking and spurious, mostly as a result of a dreadful cast, a weak script, poor special effects, and an apparent lack of knowledge of caving basics.

I can't help but wonder, did they attempt to base this thing on the centipede video game? Anyway...

The film centers around a group of friends who, to celebrate the upcoming marriage of one of the group members, decide to go caving in a remote, extremely deep cave system. What could possibly go wrong?

This could actually have been cool. Those who know invertebrates realize that centipedes are powerful predators, and that a centipede the size of an anaconda would be terrifying, but bringing such a beast to life was just too much of a challenge for these filmmakers. From the beginning of the movie, they do whatever they can to hurt your suspension of disbelief. For example, this movie is supposed to be set in India, yet all of the Indian characters speak English...when talking to each other! I'm pretty certain that soldiers in the Indian army don't speak English when talking amongst themselves far from any Americans. In addition, the cave sets look fake and the centipedes themselves, when they are finally revealed, look like...well...puppets of some kind. It's not pretty.

"Centipede!" gains two stars because, first, it is so horrible it will make you laugh. Second, the actors are far better than you think from watching the movie. Think about it for a minute: would YOU be able to act scared, or even concerned, while being chased by a giant puppet?

for some reason, the first comment on this movie that is posted is from this guy: Check this Film Out!, 1 November 2004 Author: Donald Murphy from Kansas who gives it like 10 stars and a plot synopsis. from what it looks like, he works for the DVD company that put this out and he is trying to get you to buy his product. do not trust this man. if your idea of a good movie is bad plot with bad acting, cliché characters and dialog, lame special effects, and bad everything else (this is what i look for in a movie), you will think this movie is okay. as far as bad movies go, it is pretty middle of the road. as far as good movies go, it does not even rate. i was mildly entertained by this movie, but i would not recommend it. no wait. get it. it is sweet!

I guess it's time all sci-fi/horror/fantasy fans rose up and seized control of the SF Channel. The current directorate is certainly doing such a lousy job that even a committee could do better. I mean, a long line of incredibly foul made-for-TV movies--of which 'Centipede!' is the latest--is NOT the reason I continue to pay 60-some-odd bucks a month for cable. I can hardly wait to see how SFC mangles 'The Wizard of Earthsea'; maybe Ursula K can be our new commissar.

Okay, okay, I should know better by now. In all my years of viewing these kind of flicks (damn near a half-century), I've resigned myself to the fact that most of the genre is not going to be 'Lord of the Rings', 'Star Wars' or 'Clockwork Orange'. But is that any excuse to not at least attempt the production values of moderately well-done mainstream movies? You don't need big bucks, just a measure of talent. None here, I'm afraid...or if there was, it was exceptionally well-hidden.

Take special effects; they had to be kidding. Were those sock puppets? I've seen more believable animation at a Punch and Judy show.

And plot? A bunch of kids celebrate one of their group's pending marriage by going caving in a really deep cavern system, and end up getting eaten by giant centipedes. Oh, yeah; and they got this device that tracks individual transponders ($129.95 at Radio Shack) that each one carries, so that when one of the kids gets noshed, the survivors can--SURPRISE!--actually track the monsters! Hoo-hah! With such clever originality, how could you ask for more?

Might as well forget character development, too. This is one of those rare movies where absolutely NO one is sympathetic. I wanted them all--even the native comic-relief, with his politically-incorrect 'funny Indian' accent--to DIE HORRIBLY. Unfortunately, they didn't--die horribly, that is.

They just died. And so did the flick.

I can say one good thing about 'Centipede!', though; it's over, and I'm not watching it any longer.