L'affaire Van Haken

This is one of those films that makes me wonder about the integrity of a lot of film reviewers. In this very same forum, you will find a guy who talks about all of the Steven Seagal films he has seen that he didn't like. Then why watch his movies? It's as if every action film is supposed to live up to the Godfather movies or something. I just don't get it. This film was a pleasure to see. A very polished and professional production. The movie has some interesting plot twists that no doubt can get the lazy of mind in a twist, waiting for the pieces to come together. But like all good directors, Michael Oblowitz makes you wait to the END of the film to find out the answers. As opposed to the BEGINNING of the film like some of the savant reviewers seem to think it should be. In my opinion Steven Seagal is one of the few action movie people who actually made significant improvement in acting skills as their careers developed. You want to see exceptional acting? Watch Steven in the scene from Glimmer Man, when as Jack Cole he tells his wife that he is going to have to tell his kids that their mother is dead. If you can watch that scene and honestly say that you think he can't act, then maybe you should stick to the Oscars. And even then, just about every actor that has won an Oscar has had their share of stinkers. Seagal makes great action films. Certainly better than most of the Chuck Norris films, most of the Stalone films, and most of the Schwarzenegger films (his comedy is good but Arnolds action acting on his best day isn't as good as Seagals).

The movie fascinated me because of the plot, but once it got underway my fascination took a different direction. I think for the only time in my life I laughed at people getting shot. Segall's Dutch accomplice shoots everyone! He himself is shot four different times. The hotel clerk won't give out a room number? Ask her to call and see which number she dials. Then, instead of unobtrusively going to that room, shoot her!

The farce is complete when Segall faces down an opponent holding a gun 20 yards away. He flings a flight recorder CD with a little C4 stuck on like gum at his assailant. We see the disk igniting in mid-air in slow motion. Does the other guy shoot? No, he just stares at a CD coming to blow him away. The CD has the extra fun effect of propelling him backwards and upwards through a conveniently placed 2nd story picture window.

I must admit; I enjoyed this so much that I immediately went out to get another Segall movie to see if it is as ridiculous. I can't explain why this is entertaining, but it is! IT IS!!

Im hoping this was made before Half Past Dead and Exit Wounds because it was rubbish, Seagal wasnt to blame it was down to the crap directing when the few action scenes took place. The plot was also confusing and basically just felt rushed out, maybe it was shelved and released to capitalise on Seagals newer films??

3/10

He's not through yet, bring on Under Siege 3 and loose some weight!

Jonathan Cold is a freelance agent who is hired by Alexander Marques to carry a package across Europe to Jerome Van Aiken. When the simple collection turns into a gunfire that ends with the building in flames, Cold suspects something is up but, after a diversion to his father's funeral, continues to try and deliver the package. However as the hours pass, Cold finds that more and more people seem to want either a) the package, b) Cold stone cold dead or c) both of the above. Unsure of who these people are or why they want the package (or even what the package is because, despite everyone in the world betraying him, he is too "professional" to look inside) Cold tries to sort out right from wrong and make it out alive.

Call me a stubborn man but although Out For A Kill was a shambles, I still somehow thought that I would give this joint Oblowitz/Seagal film a shot. Very quickly it becomes apparent that the plot isn't going to stand up for longer than 20 minutes – which is a problem in a 90 minute film. Taking the usual cliché of an agent being chased by all sides, trying to find a solution, this film forgets to actually write it in such a way that it makes sense or even engages. People pop up all over the place, are thrown out of windows and generally interact with bullets or explosions in one way or another but we don't really know who they are or why they are doing it. In one sense this might have worked by producing a general sense of claustrophobia and tension but it doesn't – instead it gives the impression that the writers haven't done much with the story other than drawing up a storyboard where lots of people fall through windows. This lack of effort in the writing is not only at this level but also runs all through the film – for example on man behind shot twice by a shotgun (at 10 foot range), falling out a second storey window but turning up alive minutes later with an injury to his side but generally fine otherwise.

With these problems it will be no surprise to find that the characters are poor. Most of them are just cardboard clichés but Cold is the main problem. Here is someone we are meant to like, who is a professional, however he managed to be completely lacking in morals and is closer to the baddies than I'm sure Seagal would have liked. For example he pays some "normal" guy to deliver his car to Germany, thus drawing the bad guys away from him – problem is, the normal guy was always going to get killed – is this a plan that is meant to make me like him or care if Cold lives or dies? Maybe this was the point but, if it was, it didn't work because Seagal delivers it just the same as ever – loads of mumbles and slightly altering his tone of voice when required to display any emotion. Ryan is a little bit more expressive (and thus fun) but he seems to spend most of his time running away from explosions or reappearing from the dead. The rest of the support is bland, being made up of obscure sports stars turned actors and lots of people trying to look classy without the material to allow them to do it. Suffice to say that, when none of the cast even manage to outshine Seagal then you know things aren't good.

Overall a poor Seagal film that even fans will struggle to get into. The action is poor and is directed with no flow (or edit longer than a second) and it is too hard to get excited about it. This leaves the story, which is a sorry mess of a plot that makes no effort to engage or make sense of; basically it just relies on people falling through glass and those looking for a complex thriller and not just wasting their time – they are deluding themselves. Even Seagal fans (if any remain) will struggle to care about this garbage.

STAR RATING:*****Unmissable****Very Good***Okay**You Could Go Out For A Meal Instead*Avoid At All Costs

Steven Seagal should have got a better agent.After Exit Wounds miraculously went straight to number one at the US box office and temporarily restored his position as a top ranking Hollywood action star,his next step was not to go for a leading role in a film by another big name,Hollywood action director like John Woo or Michael Bay,or even his old aquaintance Andrew Davis,but to go to trashy,sloppy DTV action director Albert Pyun and appear in a supporting role in a Godawful piece of dreck by the name of Ticker.This,did,however,go straight to video (as just about every film Pyun's ever made has) and probably went unnoticed by the cinema going public.However,when the film Half Past Dead was released a year later,in which Mr.Ponytail co starred with gravel voiced rap midget Ja Rule,the gimmick appeared to have worn off,and the film,unlike EW which started the whole Seagal/rappers thing,was a mega flop.Maybe it had something to do with it being released on the same weekend as Harry Potter 2,but nevertheless,flop it was,and now,Seagal appears to have plummeted smack-bang right to the position his career was in five years ago with the straight-to-video action movie The Foreigner,a labourous,over-stylised dud that runs for 92 minutes,but ends up feeling more like 992.

This is probably owed more than anything to a totally incomprehensible plot,with too many thinly plotted twists,turns and red herrings in it to sustain interest.

Seagal's raspy voice has always seemed to prove a hinderance to any movie he's in,but he mumbles so badly at certain stages in this,even the highest pitched dolby pro logic sound system probably couldn't make him sound any more audible.

Aside from this,the movie,especially for a 15 certificate,is full of gratuitous violence,mainly in the form of graphic shootings,especially from the Dunoir character.There are some other rather grisly images too,but the shootings are certainly the most consistent.

Certain scenes have a nice visual flair,and the action's not bad,but overall,this is a ponderous mess that shows clearly the direction in which Seagal's star is falling.**