Shaolin Dolemite

I have seen a great many bad movies in my life: if any of them were worse than this, I must have repressed the memory. If I could give this film less than a 1, I would.

No one seeing a title like "Shaolin Dolemite" would expect Tarkovsky. However, you might expect something humorously awful that would be good to watch for laughs over a few beers. Unfortunately, this one passes through the "So bad it's good" zone without even slowing down, and ends up firmly in the realm of "So bad it's depressing".

As far as I can tell, someone basically took a ninth-rate kungfu movie (probably "Ninja: The Final Duel") and welded on a few scenes - perhaps ten minutes in total - featuring Rudy-Ray Moore. Mr Moore does not actually do any kungfu. He simply ambles on in a dashiki and shades from time to time, cocks his head quizzically and says "Motherfucker" and "Shee-it" a few times. He looks gray (literally; the color is bad throughout, but appears to be particularly 'off' during his scenes) and depressed. As well he might be.

The 'plot' is the usual kungfu mishmash of evil ninjas, virtuous monks, and random ass- kickers who periodically meet up and pound on each other until someone spits blood and collapses. Among the large cast of people who you won't care about there is a warrior prince, several monks with runaway eyebrows, a cackling arch-villain in what looks like a clean- room 'bunny suit', a Davey Crockett character in a coonskin cap and a topless female ninja.

The original Chinese dialog has been - poorly - dubbed over with English. Something might have been salvaged from the whole train-wreck if the new dialog were actually amusing, but it isn't. The contribution of the writers seems to have been to throw in a few obscenities and some lame 'jokes' about African-American culture, none of which are even slightly funny. The most disturbing thing about the film might actually be that someone - possibly more than one person - actually believed that this drivel was witty.

There's no reason for this film to exist, except as an awful warning. There is absolutely no reason for anyone to watch it, ever. It's not cheesy or 'so bad it's good'. It's just boring and painful. Avoid.

This one is not what I wanted. It has Rudy, but his footage appears to have been shot on video and spliced into an old Karate movie from 1977. It does not match. At all. I was very upset by this. Come on Rudy, you can do better. Not much plot, just Rudy walking around and talking a bit and then some old footage with very bad dubbing and silly fights. Rudy is always fun to watch and I understand that it may not be his fault, but I have liked most of his films so far, and he should not use the Dolemite name if it is not a Dolemite film. watch Human Tornado again instead. Or watch Violent New Breed for a great part that Rudy really seems to enjoy.

This is one of the most over-the-top films I have ever seen. The great Rudy Ray Moore has taken an already-bizarre martial arts film and redubbed it with topically humorous dialogue, and added a couple scenes featuring himself as a monk and his old friend Jimmy Lynch as a drunken master. The newly-dubbed story has the evil martial artist 2Pac stealing the Dolby Digital death bell from the Wu-Tang Clan, and teaming with evil ninjas, including a female who likes to take her top off and use her breasts as weapons. The Wu-Tang must get help from the Shaolin, a Japanese prince, the Lost Tribe of Shabazz (two white guys who speak in ebonics), and Davey Crockett. Yes, Davey Crockett. The film parodies everything from chop socky clichés to Hip-Hop's East Coast-West Coast beef, and it's all hilarious. It's great to see that Rudy's stll got it after all these years.

As I was watching this movie, I found myself in constant mental anguish trying to figure the damned thing out. However, it was the most fun I've ever enjoyed during a spell of mental anguish. Rudy Ray Moore really struck gold this time on making people ask "Why in the Hell?!?!" Like "Why in the Hell did someone make this Kung-Fu movie?" "Why in the Hell did Rudy Ray Moore buy this Kung-Fu movie and dub himself into it?" "Why the hell is Davy Crockett a gay guy wielding a sword?!?" It just really doesn't make any sense, but it's hilarious. That's about it. -over and out.

Okay, first of all, I'd like to send a warning to every Dolemite-fan out there: DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE! Rudy Ray Moore is only in the movie for a total of maximum 5-10 minutes, and only delivers dialogue like "Shiiiit", "Mothafuckaaa" and stuff like that, very uncreative by his part. Sam the Spliff (Jimmy Lynch) also appears in new footage and briefly fights two Asian Ninjas, who are totally unrelated to the rest of the movie.

Also on the DVD is a short (and very poorly filmed/written/delivered) introduction by Rudy, which is mind-numbingly awful and should not be seen by anyone either. I can't believe how low Moore has sunk to milk more money out of his loyal fans, it's really quite sad.

But, now on the good part: Somehow, Moore has found the original lost footage from "Ninja: The Final Duel", which was not released on the DVD-version of that movie (There was allegedly more than 10 hours of footage for a mini-series about Ninjas). He has added his own silly dubbing, which tries to modernize the story and move it forward to some sort of conclusion at the end, although his own footage makes no sense, which his ugly mug popping up every 10 minutes and saying "Wow, there's Ninjas!" and stuff like that.

Apart from the spliced-in footage of himself (actually dubbed worse than the old movie), the movie is quite entertaining, with many creative fights and mysterious objects flying around, like two bells fighting it out, breaking the sound-barriers and what the human mind can take (The original scene went on for more than 5 minutes with Eugene Thomas and a female Ninja ringing their bells constantly.. a good way to lose your mind if you turn up the volume to the max!)

The movie features Eugene Thomas as the bad guy with a gold-paper crescent moon on his forehead, and Alexander Lou as the hero who is trying to stop his evil ways, along with his helpers, two orange-clad hare Krishna-monks played by the martial arts legends Toby Russell and John Ladalski, and the gay Davey Crockett wielding a sword, played by the hilarious Silvio Azzolini, who along with Thomas and Lou also played a major part in the Ninja-classic "Mafia Vs. Ninja", which also was directed by the legendary Robert Tai, who plays "Abbott White" here, who does some really amazing fighting.

Things to look for: Ninja's flying out of the ground, digging underground tunnels faster than moles; a topless female Ninja who uses her "talents" to embarrass her opponents; blankets flying around almost living their own lives; guys spitting out so much blood that you shouldn't think their stomachs's were healthy; and a golden and a silver super-fighter who cannot be beaten by anything other than small beads!

So, all in all, I give the "Ninja: Final Duel"-footage 9/10 points, and the new footage of Moore and the atrocious new dubbing 1/10, for a total of 5/10 stars.

P.S: On the DVD (I got it along with "The Black Samurai" on a double-pack) there is fortunately a lot of extra scenes from the original movie, with the original Asian dubbing! These should not be missed!