Mission Alcatraz

Oh dear! What can I say about Half Past Dead? I was really disappointed in it. I was thinking....A Steven Seagal movie! Cool! We'll get to see him kick people and flip people and break bones. We might even get to see him have a stick fight with somebody! Excellent!

However, I was in for a rude awakening. This film can be summed up as follows:

Take an episode of the A-Team, remove the lovable and roguish characters such as Murdoch, Hannibal, Mr T and Face. Then get a writer/director to pen a plot even Ed Wood would be ashamed of and who's too big a fan of The Matrix and John Woo movies for his own good. Throw in a bunch of people with really bad acting ability and who don't have real names. Finally, add in a main star who's getting saggy around the midriff and doesn't appear to be able to do his own stunts anymore.

The result? Half Past Dead. An action movie so ridiculous that it at least made me smile right the way through. The plot holes are stupendously, glaringly large - for example, prisoners who, when the jail is invaded, fight the invaders rather than attempting to escape. Or how about the prison itself, which has an armoury that contains heavy machineguns and rocket-propelled grenade launchers? You also have a helicopter (bearing a striking resemblance to a Huey) with some kind of video game machinegun mounted in the nose.

Then there's Seagal himself. I like the guy. He CAN fight. He's even witty in a way that Jean-Claude Van Damme will never be. But all through the movie I kept hoping for that one great, defining fight scene. Never happened. Instead we got people firing guns a lot and not hitting a whole Hell of a lot. I mean, when someone runs down a narrow corridor and you fire a sub-machinegun at them, there isn't a whole lot of places the bullets can go other than down the corridor and into the target. Yet somehow they miss? Even the A-Team would cringe at this foolishness. And then when it gets to any kind of one-on-one physical stuff, we get treated to a shabby Matrix rip-off, without the benefit of bullet-time. People getting kicked twenty feet through the air and sundry other ludicrous acrobatic nonsense.

C'mon Steven, you're better than this. Your career can't be over. Say it ain't so!

This is instantly forgettable (except I'm forcing myself to remember for the purposes of this review) and if you watch it, try to find it amusing in an A-Team kind of way. But I doubt it'll be high on anyone's "re-watchable" list. Out for Justice this ain't. More like Out to Lunch.

For a man that is not feeling well, this was the perfect no brainer film to help me conquer those sweats and chills. There was unrealistic fighting, a Swiss cheese plot, and characters that we cared nothing for, which allowed me to doze off and still know what was happening. This was a Steven Seagal film, so I wasn't expecting much, but honestly, after several of his film you come to realize that they are all very similar and Seagal has not changed his fighting habits at all over the years. He is still using the same fist moves that made him popular in Above the Law. Why should he change? He is Steven Seagal.

So, take his old-school 1980s fighting techniques and combine it with a modern day rap artist like Ja-Rule (especially after his popularity with DMX in Exit Wounds), and you have the film Half Past Dead. So, let's begin. The fighting was laughable. I think that if a gust of wind hit Ja-Rule he would fly halfway across the room. Also, why did it become increasingly obvious that Ja-Rule was not doing his own fight sequences? Throughout his fighting with Nia Peeples, it is very clear that it is not Ja-Rule. How could a director allow such a blatant error happen in an action film? This is not the only case of action gone wrong. There are several scenes in which bullets defy their projected path and gravity. Also, let us not forget the flying fists of Seagal which had the sounds of some hard hits, but it was very obvious that he was mock fighting with most of the extras. This unrealistic fighting knocked this film from five stars to four stars.

So, let's move past the fighting. What is a good action film without the story to accompany the fighting? Sadly, director Don Michael Paul felt as if there was no story needed. Why bother the audience with a story when we have Ja-Rule and Steven Seagal fighting together on-screen? The plot was riddled with more holes that my high school underwear. It was as if we were not seeing the entire picture, and instead of showing us the director relied on words to tell us. Some examples of what I mean are how Sasha and Nick first met. I needed to see this. Without this story and seeing their trust be born, it became less emotional when it was broken. I didn't care, I needed to know more about them. The side-story about Seagal's wife was just filler. He has these visions of her that help him live after a gun battle, but that is all we know about her. When I first saw this scene, I thought it was going to be a major influence in the film. Sadly, I believe that was the last mention of the wife. The Prisoner's story with the gold was horrible. I didn't know enough about the guy to make me see the evil in his ways. This ultimately led to an unclimactic ending with this Prisoner. Does anyone really know who Morris Chestnut's character was? How did he get the money to finance this operation, and how did he become the inside man? I needed answers of which Don Michael Paul was not willing to provide. The lack of story and weakness of the main characters knocked this film from four stars to two.

Finally, I would like to comment on the title. What does it mean? Was it a reference to the time when Sasha almost died, or is it a reference to the lack of caring about life from Ja-Rule and the inmates (remember his line, 'Tonight is a good time to die'). I don't know. This led me to the ultimate conclusion about this film. The director just didn't care. He was happy to have Seagal and Ja-Rule signed on, so everything else became second fiddle. In the range of action films, this is pretty poor. Unrealistic fighting with an overabundance of clichéd lines only plummeted this film deeper into the world of action. To be brutally honest, Ja-Rule cannot act, and this became a problem in this film. He needed a smaller film to get his feet wet and see if he was ready for the cinema world. Half Past Dead was not the best role for him. This film is the perfect example of a movie made just to get rap artists some screen time and attempt to bring an overweight action start from the 80s into the new generation. Sadly, in Half Past Dead it didn't work.

Grade: * out of *****

Sometime in the near future that island in San Francisco Bay is being used for what God intended, a federal prison once again. But now it's a high tech new and improved Alcatraz with Tony Plana as the warden. It's still an unbreakable no escape facility, but no one ever counts on someone breaking into prison.

Which is what Morris Chestnut, Nia Peeples and an assorted gang of body armored thugs do when hijacker Bruce Weitz is about to be executed. It seems that Weitz who has cleaned up quite a bit since he portrayed Detective Mick Belker on Hill Street Blues, has gone and buried a small fortune in gold bullion which he robbed back in the day resulting in several Treasury agents being killed. Which is why Weitz is on death row.

But Chestnut's helicopter which is his escape route crashes in a blinding rainstorm, we get a hostage situation which also involves a Supreme Court Justice in the person of Linda Thorson. Back before she got to the high court, Thorson was the judge who tried and sentenced Weitz and she's there as a witness to the execution that gets delayed.

Fortunately for all concerned Steven Segall is in the joint with his criminal buddy Ja Rule and he organizes the cons to resist.

People who go to see Steven Segall movies go for the action and violence and not a coherent and realistic plot. The action is plenty as Segall goes through the film in a style that makes Sylvester Stallone look like John Barrymore.

If that's what your taste in film is, go for it.

Truly, Steven Seagal has nothing better to do with his time than sharing screen time with wannabe actors/rappers. Clearly, this was one of those films which had no real point to it other than trying to appeal to a certain demographic in hopes of making a few bucks. One has to wonder what a person was thinking when the idea of investing in this film came. Anyway, this was just a another reason why Seagal is past his prime, and should try playing quirky roles as opposed to being a tough guy or something. It's hard to say anything else about this movie, considering very little care was put into it.

"Half Past Dead" is just another crap flick in paunchy Seagal's downward spiral into oblivion. However, unlike his abysmal dramatic follow-up, "The Foreigner", this action flick at least connects with the part of the male brain which turns down the IQ and turns up the testosterone making all the hokey stunts, pyro, combat, etc. seem somehow worth while in a vague sort of mindless way. At least this flick had a hottie in it and showed her navel..about the only thing in the film I hadn't seen before. For action and Seagal diehards only. (C-)

Note - I particularly enjoyed the scene where deep cover FBI op Seagal is asked by a fellow prison inmate if there isn't something more to him than just another inmate whereupon he willingly blows his own cover and admits he's an agent. Exit undercover agent. Enter birdbrain.