Mission Alcatraz

Steven Seagal, who has a proud history of creating some of the most realistic and exciting fight scenes in his past work is completely wasted in this movie. The money must have been good, because I don't see what else would have persuaded him to appear in it. What we have is a shallow excuse to feature some rappers on film. The script is abominable. Everything is contrived, superficial and artificial. The director seems confused about whether or not he is making a music video or an actual film. A lot of posing, unrealistically choreographed fight scenes, a lot of mindless shooting at walls. I was reminded of those ludicrous gunfights in the A Team, in which about 2,000 bullets are fired and nobody gets killed. The background music (if you can call it that) is loud and irritating. And the chief villain, boringly and predictably bumped off only at the end, displays the character development of a robot. I would have had him shot first just to ease the overall irritation of the film. Bad, bad, bad. The only reason I watched it was in the forlorn hope that Steven Seagal could do something to save it, but that was beyond even him. Stick with what you're good at, big guy, and don't appear in any more rap videos.

"Half Past Dead" is just another crap flick in paunchy Seagal's downward spiral into oblivion. However, unlike his abysmal dramatic follow-up, "The Foreigner", this action flick at least connects with the part of the male brain which turns down the IQ and turns up the testosterone making all the hokey stunts, pyro, combat, etc. seem somehow worth while in a vague sort of mindless way. At least this flick had a hottie in it and showed her navel..about the only thing in the film I hadn't seen before. For action and Seagal diehards only. (C-)

Note - I particularly enjoyed the scene where deep cover FBI op Seagal is asked by a fellow prison inmate if there isn't something more to him than just another inmate whereupon he willingly blows his own cover and admits he's an agent. Exit undercover agent. Enter birdbrain.

For a man that is not feeling well, this was the perfect no brainer film to help me conquer those sweats and chills. There was unrealistic fighting, a Swiss cheese plot, and characters that we cared nothing for, which allowed me to doze off and still know what was happening. This was a Steven Seagal film, so I wasn't expecting much, but honestly, after several of his film you come to realize that they are all very similar and Seagal has not changed his fighting habits at all over the years. He is still using the same fist moves that made him popular in Above the Law. Why should he change? He is Steven Seagal.

So, take his old-school 1980s fighting techniques and combine it with a modern day rap artist like Ja-Rule (especially after his popularity with DMX in Exit Wounds), and you have the film Half Past Dead. So, let's begin. The fighting was laughable. I think that if a gust of wind hit Ja-Rule he would fly halfway across the room. Also, why did it become increasingly obvious that Ja-Rule was not doing his own fight sequences? Throughout his fighting with Nia Peeples, it is very clear that it is not Ja-Rule. How could a director allow such a blatant error happen in an action film? This is not the only case of action gone wrong. There are several scenes in which bullets defy their projected path and gravity. Also, let us not forget the flying fists of Seagal which had the sounds of some hard hits, but it was very obvious that he was mock fighting with most of the extras. This unrealistic fighting knocked this film from five stars to four stars.

So, let's move past the fighting. What is a good action film without the story to accompany the fighting? Sadly, director Don Michael Paul felt as if there was no story needed. Why bother the audience with a story when we have Ja-Rule and Steven Seagal fighting together on-screen? The plot was riddled with more holes that my high school underwear. It was as if we were not seeing the entire picture, and instead of showing us the director relied on words to tell us. Some examples of what I mean are how Sasha and Nick first met. I needed to see this. Without this story and seeing their trust be born, it became less emotional when it was broken. I didn't care, I needed to know more about them. The side-story about Seagal's wife was just filler. He has these visions of her that help him live after a gun battle, but that is all we know about her. When I first saw this scene, I thought it was going to be a major influence in the film. Sadly, I believe that was the last mention of the wife. The Prisoner's story with the gold was horrible. I didn't know enough about the guy to make me see the evil in his ways. This ultimately led to an unclimactic ending with this Prisoner. Does anyone really know who Morris Chestnut's character was? How did he get the money to finance this operation, and how did he become the inside man? I needed answers of which Don Michael Paul was not willing to provide. The lack of story and weakness of the main characters knocked this film from four stars to two.

Finally, I would like to comment on the title. What does it mean? Was it a reference to the time when Sasha almost died, or is it a reference to the lack of caring about life from Ja-Rule and the inmates (remember his line, 'Tonight is a good time to die'). I don't know. This led me to the ultimate conclusion about this film. The director just didn't care. He was happy to have Seagal and Ja-Rule signed on, so everything else became second fiddle. In the range of action films, this is pretty poor. Unrealistic fighting with an overabundance of clichéd lines only plummeted this film deeper into the world of action. To be brutally honest, Ja-Rule cannot act, and this became a problem in this film. He needed a smaller film to get his feet wet and see if he was ready for the cinema world. Half Past Dead was not the best role for him. This film is the perfect example of a movie made just to get rap artists some screen time and attempt to bring an overweight action start from the 80s into the new generation. Sadly, in Half Past Dead it didn't work.

Grade: * out of *****

Maybe it was my low expectation, maybe it was the fact that I went looking for a cheesy action flick, maybe I was partially dehydrated from strep throat, or perhaps all of the above. I enjoyed Half Past Dead, and I'm glad I rented it. Will it join the ranks of my DVD collection? Hell no. But I did enjoy the rental.

That's not to say Half Past Dead did not bother me. First and foremost, my feelings for most contemporary music (rap, metal, rock, country, etc) artists range from mild appreciation to utter disgust for reasons that belong in another review, in another discussion. The music that a number of action sequences were cut to was from said contemporary music, more specifically, from the "disgust" portion of the spectrum. Thus, I was tempted to play the action sequences in mute.

Also, I was disappointed to see Nia Peeples kick the crap out of Ja-Rule only to be put down with one punch (?!) and then throw in a typical villain's anti-climactic death. But there I go with my own expectations, thinking for some silly reason that someone who can dish out punishment should be able to take it . . . that and my desire to see rappers in films die.

Finally, the hostage switch towards the end of the film . . . okay, this is a Steven Seagal action film. I'm willing to accept a lot of BS for the sake of an action film. BS such as choosing the single dumbest, most vulnerable, position for the coming gunfight; Nia's makeup and outfit; the chain fight; Ja Rule's constant winking; the storyline with the Sasha character . . . but the cheap surprise with the judge so the filmmakers can pat themselves on the back and say, "We fooled the audience" is pushing me over the line.

But, yeah, there were mindless fist fights, there were mindless gunfights, there were mindless explosions, chases, a plot that's just an excuse to bridge said sequences together, and no real ambition to go any further – everything I was expecting when I picked it up for the rental.

What can I say, though? It was fun watching Steven start a fight with prison guards more or less because he can. It was a blast watching Nia in her oddball makeup beat the living crap out of Ja Rule (why, oh why, didn't she get to kill him?). I found it hilarious that these prisoners were so eager to defend their prison so they can serve the rest of their sentence in peace and quiet. And wow, how great was it seeing Steven and Ja Rule prepare for a confrontation by trapping themselves in the exposed cockpit of a crashed helicopter that's up in the rafters with no way to get down? Shooting missiles down with the helicopters guns was the icing on this outrageous cake of disbelief.

They say timing is everything; this also applies to when one sees a movie and how much they enjoy it. I consciously watched Half Past Dead full well knowing I've hated other films for less, but still got a kick out of what I observed on the screen. Which provokes an interesting thought: between timing (including state of mind/mood) and expectations, both of which heavily influence a critics opinion, how much room is there for "objective" reviews? I'm glad I've never claimed to be an objective critic.

I was meant to see this movie when it came out, but there was'nt much time for me. Anyway after renting it and watching the movie, I thought it was a pretty good film. Steven Seagal that he still has a few tricks up his sleeve, though there was'nt much fighting but the action scenes were enough for me to be satisfied. I usually find Ja Rule over rated when it comes to rapping, but as an actor he impressed me and I hope he continues on making more movies, especially kurupt. Morris Chestnut did a fine job playing the villain and Nia peeples was a did great playing Morris' sexy sidekick. However this movie is no match for " Exit wounds", " Glimmer man" and "Cradle 2 the grave", but it is still worth a look. THUMBS UP!