Arachnid

Arachnid: 7 of 10: Maybe it's the puppets that I liked. It's nice to see a movie made in the 21st century that doesn't use horrible shiny CGI for its creatures. (It does use horrible shiny CGI for it's alien spaceships.) Arachnid is all the better for it's retro monster.

This is a true six-pack toke 'm if you got them B movie. A European production with decent location shooting, an international cast (half horrible and unintelligibly dubbed), and a real B movie budget unlike those $10 Z movie digital camcorder pretenders.

It's all off course a bit predictable. (If you can't figure out two of the survivors at the end turn in your monster movie-watching card now.) And despite a lot of fodder (always a good sign) to many deaths seem off screen or at least over a little quickly. The movie also could have used some gratuitous nudity (If young thing Alex Reid wasn't willing at least allow Spanish star Neus Asensi to release those puppies like she has done in the past.)

Those quibbles aside I couldn't help but cheer when the puppeteers took the Volkswagen sized spider out for the spin in the second half of the movie. Of course you enjoyment may depend on what you consumed during the first half.

I was watching a cheesy horror flick (can't remember which one) at my grandparents house one day, and this movie happened to be showing right after it. I figured, 'What the hell? I'll give it a shot.' It didn't make my top ten list of cheesy horror flicks. I liked it. But I'm warning you right now, this one gets really gross. As in bugs crawling under your skin, literally, gross. Definitely not for the faint of heart. And leaves you with a not so happily ever after ending. If you like gore, you'll like this. If you're arachnaphobic, you'll hate it. For those of you who say all of these movies are alike, you'll be happy to know that this one is a little different. The title is more accurate than I thought. Though the story does concentrate mainly on the creature that the word 'arachnid' brings to mind, the spider, it is not limited to it. It includes other species of arachnids. And as an added bonus, there is a cute guy in it, who takes his shirt off for us. And for the guys, there is a girl in a bra. There is some comedy relief in small doses. I would recommend at least giving this movie a shot. There are worse movies out there that actually made it to the big screen.

Arachnid (2001) 4 out of 10 stars Time to Read: 2:20 min

BASIC PLOT: A pilot, some scientists, a few natives, and some mercenaries, go into the jungle... They all go for different reasons, but they all find the same thing. It's death, and it's form is arachnid!

WHAT WORKS: *SPECIAL EFFECTS ARE AWESOME! For a low budget monster movie, I was impressed by the sophistication of the special effects. They are good enough to be believed, and there's not too much CGI, and what there is really works. It's definitely a throwback to old school monster movies, and that's a good thing!

*DR LEON'S VOICE IS AWESOME! José Sancho has the most beautiful voice, it's like cotton candy to my ears. I could listen to him talk for hours, he should do books on tape.

WHAT DOESN'T WORK: *LOREN MERCER IS A B*TCH Mercer's (Alex Reid) insipid whining makes her the most unlikable character, but we're supposed to believe Valentine (Chris Potter) is attracted to her? Why? There's no reason why he would be, so a lot of the movie doesn't make sense.

*DR. LEON'S CONSTANT SQUABBLING WITH MERCER HAS NO POINT It also doesn't make sense. Yeah, she's a b*tch, but there's never a real reason given as to why they are always fighting.

*THE SOUND IS TERRIBLE especially in the opening scenes. I don't know if this was just on the platform I was using (Tubi), or if it's that way on the DVD too, parts were almost unwatchable.

*IT FEELS LIKE THE NATIVES ARE JUST HERE TO GET ATE and that's not cool.

*WHY DOES SUSANA SUDDENLY FREAK OUT, when she's been chill as a cucumber for the entire movie? It's stupid! Susana (Neus Asensi) has been the voice of reason, putting Mercer in her place, and remaining calm when no one else does, throughout the entire movie. Why then, would she suddenly freak out, and run screaming into danger?

*HENRY CAPRI - ARACHNOLOGIST, SHOULD HAVE MADE IT Henry Capri (Ravil Isyanov), the quirky spider guy, who looks like Squiggy from Laverne et Shirley (1976), should have made it. It seems like throughout the movie, the people you want to make it, don't, and the people who irritate you, do.

*THEY KILL THE MAMA SPIDER, but leave the eggs, soon to hatch into babies? Capri says if only one gets loose, it could destroy the human race, but they go off and leave 100's of eggs, when they could just as easily set them on fire. WTH?

TO RECOMMEND, OR NOT TO RECOMMEND, THAT IS THE QUESTION: *This is a remake of the 1957 Lon Chaney Jr. Classic, The Cyclops (1957), (available on Tubi). If you like monster movies, I'd recommend watching both, so you can compare. They both are very low budget, but that's part of the fun. The special effects in Arachnid (2001) are much better than they should be, elevating it out of obscurity. It's a fun way to turn your brain off, but only watch and rate if you enjoy silly, low budget, monster fun. If not, go listen to NPR, or something.

CLOSING NOTES: *THIS IS A LOW BUDGET MONSTER MOVIE, please keep that in mind before you watch/rate it. These types of movies have a much lower budgets, and so your expectations should be adjusted.

*I HAVE NO CONNECTION TO THE FILM, or production in ANY way. This review was NOT written in full, or in part, by a bot. I am just an honest viewer, who wishes for more straight forward reviews (less trolls and fanboys), and better entertainment. Hope I helped you out.

Expedition to a remote island find themselves stranded after a plane crash, and at the mercy of an army of voracious, giant spiders. Pilot (Alex Reid) has taken the job to search for her missing brother, whose naval jet was last reported in the vicinity of the island, while mercenary (Chris Potter) and his crew (Bear and Lightfoot) tries to remain professional in spite of the chaos.

Quirky spider specialist (Isyanov) causes endless grief, as he disappears at every given opportunity, searching for specimens with which to experiment; his final experiment finds him cocooned in a tightly woven spider-web. Thereafter the film is a roller-coaster, and it's mostly downhill, very quickly. Survivors take refuge in a dilapidated WWII shelter while the giant spiders terrorise them like demons on stilts, something akin to "War of the Worlds". Naturally, Reid discovers the fate of her naval pilot brother, and while the couple reunite with the indestructible Bear (Allen), their survival remains tenuous.

Horrid special effects and tense action sequences provides the glue that binds this formula picture together. Some light wit and a relaxed performance by Potter offer glimmers of hope, and the film is nothing if at least watchable, although the awkward English translation (most of the characters are obviously of Latin origin, so why pretend to be North Americans?) and absence of any 'name' actors (Potter is by no means a household name) might distance the average viewer.

I'm a fan of the 50s big monster movies like THEM! and their more-recent counterparts, films like ANACONDA and (especially) the TREMORS series. So when I saw a sneak preview of ARACHNID at the Fangoria Weekend of Horrors convention a year ago (and being that I'm also someone who likes to give a lot of low-budget direct-to-video movies a chance), I knew I'd have to check it out.

The setup is simple enough in the best 50s monster movie tradition: a team of scientists and ex-military types travel to a remote island to find the source of a mysterious new virus, and in the process come face to face with a giant web-spinning terror. The trailer suggested a Godzilla-sized spider. Instead, it's about eight feet tall and maybe ten feet long. Due to the thick accents of some of the foreign characters (several co-stars are from Spain, where some of the movie was shot), the dialogue is at times rather difficult to understand. There's the usual conflicts between characters, the character with a hidden agenda for tagging along, etc. If you're familiar with the old monster movies, you'll probably recognize these standards. The film takes its sweet time getting going, and the spider (after a brief half-obscured appearance near the beginning) doesn't fully appear until nearly an hour-and-five-minutes into the film. When you have a movie in which the star is the big title monster, that monster had better show up before the thirty/forty-minute mark. Otherwise, interest begins to wander, as it did with me. But I hung there, despite the boring moments in which characters walk off in the middle of the night after they've seen what happens to people who do the same, characters argue, characters complain, and the main military guy and pilot slowly bond. Once the spider is finally revealed to the characters' amazement and horror, the suspense is upped a little bit, leading to a frenzy climax in which the pilot and two more men you thought for sure had died (having gone off to establish communication to call for help) show up to fight back. And of course, there's the final shot that screams, "Sequel!"

Chris Potter (from TV's KUNG FU: THE LEGEND CONTINUES) makes an appealing hero, even if he's not given much to do other than stand around, shout orders, and fire an M16. Alex Reid, who plays the pilot, isn't particularly convincing as a tough girl (perhaps it was the director's fault), but at least she looks nice and, like Potter, does what she can with the material. I think she would have made a much better Lara Croft than Angelina Jolie. Reid literally looked like Croft in several scenes. The rest are unknowns in stock cardboard roles: the likeable, slightly-goofy spider expert, the scientist, his assistant, Potter's partners, and a handful of native helpers who all are there to serve one purpose: spider food. Surprisingly, the mechanical effects of the spider are pretty well done for such a film, though a few moments of CGI near the climax (and at the start of the film) are a little on the cheapo side. With a few more understandable actors, a quicker pace, and some tighter direction, ARACHNID might have been at least a mildly-enjoyable time waster perfect for a dull Saturday night. I admit that I have seen worse movies, but as it is, seeing it once was enough for me.