Cold Fish

There are bad movies, then there are truly bad movies. Then there is a lower level of cinematic excrement to which Cold Fish belongs. This pitiful excuse of a film is primarily let down by the actors. The lead played by Jon-Paul Gates (no - I have never heard of him either!) has the charisma and screen presence of a house brick. His dismal wooden acting is not the only thing to make you squirm in this film - wait till you have to endure the 'baddies'! Two more names we've never heard of (I can't imagine why) Conrad Asquith and Nadia Straham play a couple of performance artists who like to shock their audience by showing footage of executions. This in turn gave the director of Cold Fish the excuse to show us the self-same footage. This was cheap and exploitative. I don't think it's the place of popular cinema to use real newsreel footage of executions to titillate the audience. But back to Nadia Straham, who obviously based her performance on the "Rocky Horror Show" as she clearly was from Transylvania, if her accent was anything to go by. This is for British audiences only - but if I tell you that this film also stars Christopher Biggins - and he gives an almost academy award winning performance compared to the leads in this film - then I think you will start to comprehend that this is a complete waste of 91 minutes of your life. There is a reviewer on this page who has given 3 glowing reviews of this film. I can only imagine that he has invested in the film or is related to one of the actors. British cinema is capable of outstanding work - sadly this sorry fare makes the UK a laughing stock.

"Cold Fish" is a low-budget made for video/TV thriller that delivers with an interesting story about some underground video artists who exhibit people being killed at stuffy cocktail parties. A young "wannabe" reporter has to penetrate and expose the ring. The concept is kind of out there but it was an enjoyable film if you like B genre thrillers where villains are unmistakably villains. Potential cult favorite!

I can only regret that I invested some money in this film! I've seen many bad ones, but this one is one of the worst films ever… it is just so meaningless, brain dead and badly done! First of all the acting is embarrassing, especially the arty couple is horrendously bad, even worse than average actors in a student film – especially the woman! The main character comes across as a rather big and stupid bloke, but not someone you bother engaging with. His girlfriend is probably the one that gives the best performance (if you can talk about that) but you hardly notice her… About the technical side of the film there is nothing special to remark, except the direction of the camera is very student film look a like and simple, but what frustrates me most as the viewer is the story. Because the story is absolutely meaningless, which becomes more and more obvious as it develops… also the "real life" killing footage is absolutely tasteless, especially because it is advertised so strongly on the front of the DVD cover… No wonder the critics walked out during the screening in Cannes – (I don't think it was because of this films "controversial" qualities) – rather the embarrassment that a film like this could reach Cannes!!! A last remark I would like to make with regards to Cold Fish is the question of who would make a film like this and do it so badly? And why, since the film is originally from 2001, would he or she want to send it out on DVD again in 2005! Are these people completely without any sense of direction and just wanting to make as much money as possibly – if so please change profession… because it doesn't look like you have anything to give with regards to films

Let's get one thing straight from the start: THIS IS A ROTTEN MOVIE! I know because I'm one of the few people to have seen it, one of the few that will ever see it and because I know a lot of people who worked on it and had to hear their horror stories about how bad the shoot was.

OK, but a bad film shoot experience doesn't necessarily mean a bad end product so I'll stick to JUST the movie review. First of all, it's not a disturbing film because of the material: You hardly see any of the "execution" footage and the characters are so laughable and unconvincing you don't find the premise convincing either. The plot of execution footage for art was the plot of an old episode of "Doomwatch" back in the early 70's. Just rip off Doomwatch, no one will notice..... The script is also littered with inappropriate swear words in the wrong places, much like Spock's "they're not the hell your whales" line in Star Trek IV. "If you think the f*** you can sleep with my wife..." And they try to add a love triangle/quartet plot in there which is frankly, the f***, is hard to believe...as if any of the main characters could find each other attractive.

I mentioned the characters and unconvincing characters are made worse by having inept acting. It's saying something when the two best performances come from "cameos" from Christopher Biggins and Rose Marie. The supposedly "sinister" couple are straight from an amateur dramatics company with the least threatening villain since the con man from "Bodger and Badger" (the gun up the bottom scene raises many unintentional laughs) making threats in a totally wooden delivery. Oh, speaking of wooden, I forgot to mention Jon-Paul Gates. What is with his accent? It's high pitched, whiny and somewhere between the West Country and the land of the Chipmunks. He's supposed to be a virile, dedicated newshound and sex machine and yet....with his strangulated accent and tendency to go cross eyed when he's concentrating, I end up trying to curb my laughter.

The lighting is also all over the place...massively overlit for the most part and with smoke machines pouring out pointless smoke effects through white light to give it that 80's Duran Duran video look. Only it doesn't quite pull it off. I say doesn't quite but I really mean to say it overshoots it and crash lands in a burning, twisted mess.

It's a shame they're not making any more episodes of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 because it's prime fodder for them. Oh, and Dave 777 from London really likes this film so much he's written 3 different reviews of it! And 3 people have voted this movie a 10! And the director's first name is David...wow, what a coincidence.

A movie with excellent production value and strong performances, especially from the lead actor. I must say that while this is no Hollywood Blockbuster, it is one of those rare British films that looks like it could have been made in the States.