Gargoyles

Poor on every level-effects,script and acting-this turgid flick sees a number of Australian actors,familiar to Uk audiences through daytime soaps,impersonating Americans (badly)and a Brit(slightly less badly)as they attempt to thwart demons released from imprisonment inside stone gargoyles shipped from Yorkshire to America as part of a museum exhibition It simply will not do.

"Curse of the Talisman" is an endurable but completely pointless made-for-TV occult thriller that suffers a little too much from script-stupidity and it causes you to laugh during sequences when you ought to be scared. I'm sure the director as well as the young & enthusiast cast members all had good intentions to make this film a fantastic career move, but the subject matter is just too vague and the whole production completely lacks memorable aspects. The clumsy special effects and lousy acting performances are forgivable, but what's up with all this illogical nonsense the characters do and say? OK, question… In case you are requested to illegally guard a statue in your basement and some kind of living creature crawled out of it, would just assume it's an ordinary bat and start feeding it, no questions asked?!? Well, nobody would except for young hero Jeremy Campbell, who then regretfully discovers that the animal is a portentous gargoyle, still on its ancient mission to destroy the world along with the rest of his species. Together with his equally dumb high school friends and a very implausible priest character, Jeremy has to prevent the gargoyle from awakening his stoned friends in the museum. The story already isn't very interesting and then it still features the same old, annoying clichés like high-school popularity contests, the romance between the geek and the babe, the hippie bookstore owner and the entirely pointless & blurry dream-sequences! Yawn!! There are some incredibly imbecile plot-twists (for example, the priest suddenly comes up with an alternate and equally efficient way to destroy the gargoyles after a million fruitless attempts to stop them) and the "horrifying" monsters are actually pretty cute. They look somewhat like Gremlins with wings and shiny red eyes. The acting performances are quite embarrassing but Sara Gleeson is real beauty.

Ok this film is bad. It's terrible if we're being honest.

But in it's favour I did watch it all the way through, which puts it above numerous others that I could mention.

You see, it has that 'so bad it's funny' quality than can be greatly entertaining if you're in that kind of mood. For example, when the monster first emerges from a statue, the lead character's initial response is to say 'Cool!' and then go and get his best friend to come and take a look. This is later explained away by them saying they thought it was a hibernating bat, because as we all know bats regularly hibernate inside statues. He soon realises that it wasn't a bat, after reading a book entitled 'The beginner's guide to what bats look like, and it's NOT that!'. Or something.

As for the monster, I was disappointed that there was just one for a start. The plot that I'd read said 'a town is over-run by demonic gargoyles', and this was a low-down lie. There are more eventually, but for the majority of the film it's just one of the critters flying about in search of the Talisman so that it can bring the others back to life. Suffice to say the monster looked rubbish. The kind that whenever there was a close-up of it it opens it's mouth wide and goes 'WRAAAK!!!' in an oh so scary fashion.

Trying to stop it are the Australian Scooby Doo gang. A few schoolkids who all used to be in Australian soap operas. Oh and a priest from 'Yorkshire, England'. Every time he told someone he was from 'Yorkshire, England' I burst out laughing. This would be the 'Yorkshire, England' that's just next to Australia I think.

Everything else that happens is of similar high quality. The trap that they set up to catch the creature, taken directly from an episode of Scooby Doo. The parent's Halloween costumes (Bill Gates and the Queen, no kidding). The bizarre funny climax.

It's all great. Or at least it would be if it weren't so very very poor.

Oh dear, what a disaster.

So we have a bunch of gargoyles shipped over from Yorkshire. They have a talisman serving as the blue touch-paper. Use blood to light. The gargoyles break out into little beasties that will devastate a chosen town as some kind of retribution for collective sins. Spawned in Medieval times using black magic. Oh yes. And let nobody ask for any more detailed information than that, as we only spent 10 minutes on back story.

Billy from 'Neighbours' faffs about with his poor accent. Though I shall go easy on the lad. Aussie talk is English with a twang. US talk is a different twang coupled with over pronunciation. Still, Selina from 'Home and Away' manages quite well.

Oh, the film. Starts ok. Beastie gets free, whole movie plummets. It becomes slow, we all know what's going to happen. Scenes are crowbar'd in to explain stuff. Subplots are thin and awkward. Beastie vision is like looking through a pint of snakebite'n'black. Beastie will viciously wolf down sausages and cooked meat, but kills dogs with a slight graze of the belly and leaves them.

Just once in one of these movies I want a crazy character to rant and rave about totally implausible demon, and the other guy not spit on him and call him a drunk loony, but instead just randomly help him hunt his demon as they've got nothing better to do.

I shall blame the director for the excessive cheese factor towards the end. People just don't behave in the way that is filmed here. A mild recovery is made in the last 10 seconds, which makes me think the story was told from the wrong point of view.

The plot had potential, which is probably why it is now a movie. But it needed more thought and filling out. About 70% will laugh at it, 10% will love it. 20% will be checking the skies for flying... what's that.. aaaaggh.

CURSE OF THE TALISMAN is a hilariously cheesy family-friendly horror adventure movie that seems to have been shot in Australia with a mainly Australian cast, although it masquerades as an American flick. The cast is headlined by ex-NEIGHBOURS actor Jesse Spencer (he played Billy Kennedy in the long-running Aussie soap) who plays a high school student who accidentally comes into possession of an ancient talisman and the associated gargoyle that goes with it.

I don't know where to start with this one but the script would be a good place. CURSE OF THE TALISMAN belongs in the 1980s with the cheesiness of the dialogue and the constant one-liners along the lines of "Kiss my ass, dork!". Of course nobody has ever talked like this in real life, only in the fantasy world of movies. The acting is pretty horrid, with stilted line delivery throughout, and more than a few cast members seem distinctly awkward at being present.

The horror of the storyline comes from the gargoyle monsters who populate the movie, and boy are they poor. A central monster is kept hidden beneath a desk for a good while and for good reason: CURSE OF THE TALISMAN employs some ultra-poor CGI effects that are about on par with the quality of a Playstation 1 game. Still, there's a lot of action here, and goofiness, which makes it a film that's hard to hate; it's just not a very good one either.