Psyched by the 4D Witch

Psyched by the 4D Witch (1972)

** (out of 4)

Insane little sexploitation flick about Cindy, a female virgin who won't even masturbate even though she wants to experience an orgasm. Wanting to keep her virginity, she learns that her aunt was a witch so she sells her soul to her and Satan in exchange for "Fantasy Fu*ks". This is an incredibly strange and psychedelic film, which works pretty well with the exception that it runs way too long even at just over 80-minutes. There's countless nudity, lesbian sex and other strange doings, which keep the film moving. The film was recorded silent and then voiceovers were added along with a trippy music score, which works pretty well. There's really nothing great about this movie but it ranks among one of the better sexploitation flicks I've seen.

This is probably the worst movie I've ever seen. Mostly it consists of voice-over and randomly assembled footage; the footage is typically a girl undressing and hanging around what is (I think) Los Angeles City College - the pretext involves a Salem witch who was burned at the stake and in the present day of the early 1970s convinces a descendant to embark on sexual adventures. I suppose this premise isn't inherently the worst thing on earth, but the execution is horrendous - it's amoral, boring, and irritating all at the same time, which is a pretty unique combination. It's a rare movie that can pull off this trifecta of awful. For all those people who say that modern mass-market movies made by Hollywood like (just for example) Saw 2 or The Village or Flyboys are 'the worst movie ever made', they need to see this to see how much lower than those bad movies cinema can actually reach; this is a true cinematic nadir.

This is something that only could have been made in the early 70's. Its more of an acid trip than a movie. I wouldn't be surprised if this had been shot as a full on porn but then cut to be released as "art" when they realized how bad it was. It actually makes it funnier to have these abrupt cuts in the very, very un-sexy sex scenes. The film stock looks burnt and scratched most of the time and there is no audio for the actors, its all voice over narration. Low budget and amateur to its very core.

But, I'd always rather see something that sucks because its so weird that sucks because its the same as everything else - that's why it gets a 5.

This is a silent film with a heavy overlay of narration, provided by several of its fictional characters, and a cool musical soundtrack illegally swiped from LPs. A short list of composers whose works are featured in 4-D WITCH includes: Mussorgsky ("Night on Bald Mountain"), Wagner (the finale of TRISTAN UND ISOLDE, scored for piano and orchestra), Rimsky-Korsakov ("Scheherazade"), and Pink Floyd (the 1968 studio version of "Saucerful of Secrets").

Basically, 4-D WITCH is just a series of erotic events strung together by narrators. I enjoyed the narration of "Cindy," the central character whose flirtation with sexual witchcraft gives the movie its focus. Whoever provided her voice did a great job characterizing Cindy as a "game young innocent." Dial enough 1-900 numbers and you may get to speak with her yourself.

Visually, 4-D WITCH is a mess, with psychedelic light shows, bizarre superimposed images of masks and frightening faces, and occasional straight shots of the characters that serve as "establishing shots" for the special effects. Everybody seems caught up in a psychic whirlpool, from which the only way out is down, down, down.

Despite its interesting and amusing elements, the film's amateurish editing, the incoherence of the "plot" and the random/shuffle nature of the soundtrack all help 4-D WITCH to overstay its welcome long before the final reel starts rolling. The abrupt, unresolved ending would be confusing, were it not a great relief! Someone should convert 4-D WITCH into a "loop" and send it to Abu Ghraib, where it can be put to its best possible use.

People on drugs made this film. The NHS could save an absolute fortune in communicating their anti-drug message, when really all they need to do is get hold of this film and show it in schools and television. The immediate effect would be to turn children and impressionable adults away from hallucinogenic drugs. To be honest, it might even make Keith Richards think again.

This truly mind-numbing feature is nothing if not a one-off. It tells its silly story via the medium of psychedelic effects. Sounds good? Yeah it sounds alright I agree. But at 80 minutes in length it overstays its welcome by a long way. This would've been OK as a short; it's mind-boggling as a full length feature. There is no synchronized sound; everything is conveyed via a voice-over. This makes it become increasingly hard to pay attention, and you will find yourself slowly losing touch with the bizarre events happening on screen; by the conclusion I expect a lot of you will just be relieved.

In theory this film should be good but it isn't. It's very weird though, so that at least is always something.

EDIT: I watched this again on 27/03/19 and actually rather enjoyed it. How baffling.