Beneath Loch Ness

As a Scot, when I saw this film, I was left numbed at how shocking it was and I don't mean that in a good way. This 'film' (and I use that term in the loosest sense of the word) is not only an insult to Scotland but it is embarrassing for the Hollywood producers and actors involved in this project.

Aside from the fact the storyline dire and the acting utterly bland, the special effects look as if they were put together by three-year-olds on their nursery school computer . However, the most pathetic point about this film was the fact it clearly was not set anywhere remotely near the UK, let alone Loch Ness. It was bad enough that the cast were mainly Americans (or Americans with bad accents) but the cars drove on the wrong side of the road, the police wore American uniforms and little effort was made to even pretend the American location of this film was supposedly Scotland. Then you had the stereotypical Scots who graced the background every so often; I honestly was waiting for them to shout 'och, aye the noo' then do the Highland fling in their kilt with the haggis dancing by their sides.

Take a leaf out of Nessie's book when it comes to 'Beneath Loch Ness' and hide far, far away from it (although Scots may want to see it with the view that it is pure comedy in a 'so bad it's good' way).

My local movie house are showing this film which frankly is an insult to movie-goers as it is so bad its not even worth a video release. The title tells you what its about and watching it gives the impression it was made up as it went along. The acting is dreadful especially from the lady playing the blond news producer. In fact to show the contempt that the the movie makers have for the viewing public they don't even bother about people with Irish accents pretending to be Scottish. This film has no humour, no imagination, and no thrills. To call it a 'B' picture would be an insult to that genre.

Obviously even the likes of Patrick Bergen and Lysette Anthony have mortgages and bills to pay. It's sad to see even slightly recognisable personnel in such an abysmal production. I can only assume that they fired the person responsible for continuity, as there are more holes in this picture than a dartboard.

Its set in a Scotland where:-

People speak in American, Irish, English, and probably Punjabi accents- but not Scottish.

The loch Ness monster looks like something from a game on the commodore 64

People drive American 4x4 vehicles on the wrong side of the road

The police wear American uniforms

You can use American dollars in the local shops and pubs

etc., etc. - the list goes on.

Indeed, this is a pathetic and insulting offering, with "Scotsmen" stereotyped that I am surprised the casting department didn't hire Russ Abbott to do his mad Scotsman impersonation.

I had my doubts about this but as my young son is a 'monster' buff I decided to rent it.

Where to begin? With the plot elements lifted from other, better sources: Jaws, Jurassic Park, even a bit of Moby Dick found its way in there. Maybe with the rent-a-cliche characters: maverick scientist; career-driven ex-wife of maverick scientist (called 'Lizzie Borden'? - puh-lease!); obnoxious local official who refuses to take dire warnings seriously (Constable Connaghy - did they audition this guy before they got him to play a Highlander?). Not to mention the endlessly repeated graphic of the 'monster' swimming towards us.

Factual errors and misconceptions are too tiresome to list.

At the risk of spoiling anyone's enjoyment of this cinematic feast: the sight of Patrick Bergin rigged out in kilt and Braveheart-style war-paint, going out to battle the monster armed with a harpoon is one that will linger long in my memory (unfortunately).

I should add that my son enjoyed it so that may be an indication of its appeal.

It is seldom that I end up watching a movie for the sole purpose of counting just how many goofs & gaffes can be crammed into such a short amount of time - not to mention how objectionably typecast the Scottish characters are.

The "Scottish" accents are a thing to marvel at (a mixture of Irish, Olde English and some weird speech impediment - definitely NO Scottish), seeing Case pay for his meal in a "Scottish" pub with American dollars, the American ambulance seen when the young lad is dragged from the "Scottish loch" are just a small proportion of the clues to point to the fact that this particular director has probably never set foot in the country. This would seem to be borne out by the fact that the few real Scottish scenes seem to have been filmed by a bloke who flew to Scotland (for a half day max) with a camcorder for some "scene setting" footage. Actors were then superimposed over these scenes...BADLY! (Particularly "great" is when Elizabeth is standing on a station with a train supposedly passing behind her...truly terrible)

This is nothing to say of the dreadful story line, terrible computer graphics, mediocre acting and amateurish direction.

If you want a laugh, watch this movie...if you want to see a good movie, don't even think about it!