Foodfight!

A true tragedy that will go down as one of, if not the, worst animation movies ever made!

...it's even worse.

All evidence points to this animated film being contrived as a money-making scheme. "Hey, we can create a cheap CGI movie and make companies pay for the celeb voices in advance by inserting their brands in the film!"

The result is worse than crass, it's abominably bad. It's so bad that the film has been stuck in production limbo for a decade and it hasn't aged well. The CGI, the story and the one-liners (oh God, the one-liners...) all bear the mark of genuine and profound incompetence, a complete lack of even the most most rudimentary story-telling skills.

What passes for a narrative revolves around supermarket brands coming to life at night. Rex Dogtective (yeah, go ahead and try to laugh at that one), voiced by Charlie Sheen, mourns his lost love but must soon save his supermarket city from the evil, impersonal Brand X. With the help of ... ah, who cares?

Foodfight! will bore, offend and anger you at the same time, such is its unprecedented badness. Please don't watch it.

Foodfight! is a cynical, cheap, patronizing, lifeless, lazy, unfunny, tasteless, shoddy, disrespectful, offensive-to-anyone-with-a-brain piece of unmitigated garbage, sure, but it's much more than that.

Because it is meant to be entertainment aimed at children, and because its message amounts to nothing more than "BUY OUR BRANDS, OUR BRANDS LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE OUR BRANDS, EAT OUR FOOD, EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT..." Foodfight! is not just a bad movie.

Foodfight! is PURE EVIL.

So far, the movie has only made $73,000 on a (shocking) $65 million budget. I guess there is some justice in the world.

Ten years ago, when Threshold Entertainment's hard drives were stolen, writer/director/producer Lawrence Kasanoff called it an act of "industrial espionage." I salute the brave souls who actively hindered the production of this film. You fought for the brain cells of children everywhere. I think watching even fifteen minutes of this movie has made me stupider.

Don't just skip this movie. Burn it, then bury it in a desolate field somewhere. It deserves to die the worthless drop of despicable piddle it is.

Also, ƒ*¢% Larry Kasanoff.

This isn't just a really bad movie. This is a movie that, ten to twenty years from now, people will be debating whether or not it even existed. Like the animated Titanic movie, it isn't just bad, it is bad in such a way that it will be considered inconceivable that such a movie could have even been green lit; a movie where people will see brief snippets and wonder if it was a real movie or just somebody's entry-level CG demo-reel.

For this reason, this is not a movie that should be watched. This is a movie that should be thrown into the basement under lock and key for twenty years until it becomes obscure and collectible just like Nintendo's Virtual Boy.

I'm not kidding. I have a Dex Dogtective doll, and when I tell people what it is and where it's from, the reaction is always the same: "Holy ****! That thing is real?!" The C.G. is terrible, the characters are one-dimensional, the writing is asinine, the jokes make BioDome look like Waking Ned Devine, and the talent of the voice cast is squandered across the board.

The only thing that makes this movie even worthy of note is the overabundance of marketing icons. But this isn't a precursor to "Wreck-It Ralph" -- won't offer any insights as to what the life of a marketing icon might truly be like (Charlie Tuna makes an appearance, but nobody comments on the fact that he exists to sell the shredded corpses of other tunas). Instead, all we get is a hollow narrative about how buying generic brands is evil. SO BUY OUR CRAP!!! Yes, it's that bad. Right up there with Manos: The Hands of Fate, Tentacolino, Birdemic and The Room: A movie so bad that some people just absolutely have to have it.

You know, this review isn't based on the premise that this is an egregious film. It is, I agree that this film is abhorrent. However, the legend surrounding this lukewarm, atrocious piece of media is far more enjoyable than this pile of excrement.

This *ahem* "film" came out December of 2012. It was supposed to come out in December of 2002. The film was stolen, and that was probably for the best. However, because the directors had faith (or fear that they'd lose 45 MILLION DOLLARS) for this film, so they began again from scratch. And what we got was probably the worst thing of all time.

If this movie was a regular Hollywood flop I'd maybe forgive it. But on account of how atrociously awful this film is in any aspect, I'd expect it to be made by a 17 year cannabis addict who maybe knows a bit of VFX. But this is a 45 million dollar animated film starring Charlie Sheen and Dwayne Brady. If Clerks can be made with a 25,000 dollar budget and Napolian Dynamite for $40,000, how is this god-awful film's budget anywhere past $7.34! Oh I know! Charlie Sheen spent 44 of the 45 million on crack. Yeah, that'd explain this movie. They were on crack the entire time.

Words cannot describe the amount of crap this movie sinks in. It's terrible in every single aspect: And I mean it this time. The animation is the equivalent of nails going into your eyeballs, the sound effects are all crap, the plot is wonky, the characters are so bland they're almost non-existent and it just goes on, and on, and, on, and on, x500. This movie is terrible, almost even laughably bad. In fact, it's so awful it IS laughably bad. I was in tears of joy that it was over, tears of pain that I wasted my precious time on this, and tears of laughter that something so awful even exists.

Watch it just once, and you'll quote me.