Tre pesci, una gatta nel letto che scotta

In this audacious Italian sex-comedy three chauvinistic hunks get their comeuppance by the same woman (someone they used to taunt in school for being ugly, but who grew out of her bad looks into a stunning beauty). THREE FOR ONE (perhaps unintentionally) reworks plot elements from THE GIRL MOST LIKELY TO... a TV movie from the early 1970s which starred Stockard Channing as an ugly, tormented girl who (due to a car crash) undergoes plastic surgery and becomes gorgeous, only to use her newfound beauty to take revenge on the cruel people that used to humiliate and abuse her.

Luckily I taped THREE FOR ONE off the Joe Bob Brigg's cable show. I've enjoyed it whenever I've needed a dose of mind-numbingly stupid eye-candy. It's right up there with FOREVER EMMANUELLE (aka LAURE) for brainless entertainment of a thoroughly prurient nature.

This one has it all: "bad" acting; an outrageously implausible plot; "who wrote that?!?" one- liners; and three hunky studs who bare (nearly) all during the course of the film. I still wonder whether any or all of these guys ever appeared in PLAYGIRL magazine; there's a "familiar" quality about each of them (particulary when they take their clothes OFF). If anyone knows, drop me a line!

Martina Castel is the star of this vehicle. Her acting goes from deer-caught-in-the-headlights to tragically earnest. According to IMDb this is Ms. Castel's only feature. Makes me wonder where she came from and where she went after this (the stage? retirement? a bordello?). She is reminiscent of porn actress Desiree Lane (looks-wise and acting-wise). Her various "disguises" are sometimes laughable (that black wig!); blame the low budget. In all fairness, Ms. Castel does possess a blank, porcelain-doll quality that might make it possible for her to masquerade effectively as three different women (with proper make-up, hair, and costumes). Of course, her acting ability is another matter... No Oscars here...but maybe a Razzy!

THREE FOR ONE stumbles and bumbles along as Ms. Castel's character weaves her web of intrigue, like a spider drawing three hapless flies into a trap. She passes herself off as three different women to the trio of lusty horn-dogs, each in search of his "ideal woman", and preys on each man's individual tastes. For the greasy Guido she's a raven- haired sexpot. For the brawny athlete and aspiring actor (who moonlights as a stripper!), she takes on the guise of an athletic free-spirit. For the suave, conservative, cultured blond guy she comes off as bookish, dresses in tweeds, and feigns modesty -- at first...then she smolders in the boudoir. She "works" these guys over and over, appearing to just one man at a time (in the respective disguise), while juggling -- and romancing -- all three.

It's exhausting!

The guys can't help themselves, of course, and repeatedly bed down with their "ideal woman". Naturally, each guy guards his respective girl, keeping her under wraps (in more ways than one) from the other two scalawags -- these guys are friends, but they don't trust each other at all! And it's not long before each guy is talking about marriage.

At the film's climax (ha!) the men find out they've been duped by the same vindictive woman who was once an ugly girl they collectively abused and humiliated back in grade school. The tables have turned, and it looks like the three guys hopes and dreams are shattered...

Vengeance is sweet for Ms. Castel. Of course, it doesn't end there...

In the final scene, the three dawgs are at their local watering-hole, licking their sore paws and feeling forlorn over what has transpired. Suddenly in breezes a lovely lass in a skin-tight pair of jeans and bolero hat. Could it be...HER? The men are compelled to follow, hypnotized, it seems! Why, sure enough it IS the venerable Ms. Castel again -- only this time she's just being herself (no wigs or make-up). A few strides ahead of the trio, she turns and throws the camera a wink (as if to suggest she's going to get all three guys into bed at the same time -- atta girl!!!).

Roll Credits.

All the actors speak English, but there are moments when one of Ms. Castel's characters' names seems to change from "Bunny" to "Funny" (which is pretty funny!). That alone seems to suggest the filmmakers were in a rush (or possibly confused by language). There is suggestion in the credits that a version in Italian exists somewhere.

When shown on cable, this feature felt very choppy, particularly during the sex scenes, which makes me wonder if there's a more "complete" (raunchy, or hard-core) "continental" version of THREE FOR ONE out there on video, possibly available in Europe. (If so, I WANNA SEE IT!!!)

There's plenty of soft-core action to hold your interest, even if it is choppy and leaves more to your imagination than it pays off. The soundtrack is laughably heavy- handed -- at turns alternately glamorous, silly, or thumping High-Energy pop. There's a great recurring theme that contains a rap riff that seems inspired by the song "Double Dutch Bus" (instrumentals particularly). Your ears will bleed with enjoyment! I only wish I had that music on CD!!!

For the connoisseur of Bad Cinema, there's much to be appreciated in THREE FOR ONE. Ms. Castel delivers for the fans of T&A, and I give the movie three big, juicy stars out of ten -- one for each of the obscure but hunky performers who bared-nearly-all for this torrid romp.

Boys will be boys and sometimes men will be boys. This is the story of three men who were forced to take their first honest look at themselves and realize only too well that all of us are responsible for our actions. Martina Castel carries the lead extremely well and is certainly an eyeful to look at. Kudos to the makeup artist. If I say much more, I'll spoil it for those who watch.

I love films much too much to spoil a good story for anyone else. I might say that not all films are meant to be "Gone With The Wind." This is not an epic, rather a pleasant diversion, nicely directed by Bruno Mattei (credited as David Graham) in a neat 80 minutes.