Le couvent

Usually I don't try and tell people NOT to see a movie. We all have different tastes, and someone might actually like a film I hate. I already saw a review title which gave this movie a good vibe. In my opinion they are WRONG. I just wouldn't feel right if I didn't warn you about how incredibly disappointed you'd be!!!!!!! Lousy special effects, a bad script, a crappy story line... and the fact that you can't even recognize David Gunn..... that just was too much to handle!!!!! The plotline could've worked if they just hadn't totally BLOWN it from the very beginning... seriously... I only rented it because David Gunn was in it, and he turned out to have such a bad role that it made me run into the bathroom and bow to the porcelain god. He was far better in "Vampire Journals". Then again, he was the hero in that movie. In this one he's a fasletto-ed nobody who thinks he's somebody! Seriously, stay away from this movie!

Hell yeah! That's pretty much the feeling the average person will have throughout this compact and action-filled piece of garbage. It's an incredibly crazy, riveting and somewhat moronic 75 minutes, it's the kind of project that defines what B-list horror should be all about. The hilarious (in a sadistic way) opening immediately drags you in, and the movie just utterly refuses to let you go after that. Demonic zombie nuns, fluorescent(!) blood, hot chicks, washed-up gangsta rapper Coolio playing a cop, I thank God for showing me all this pure uncut greatness. If all this stuff can't get your attention, I really don't know what will. The Adrienne Barbeau appearance is just icing on the cake, brilliant role. Of course this movie isn't particularly well-made or well-written, but I stopped caring roughly ten seconds in. Loads of fun.

A group of dumb, sex straved teenagers break into an abandon convent and accidently raise demons that proceed to kill them. The only person they can turn to is Adrienne Barbeau. The only person to ever escape from the demons alive.

Boring, poorly done film is certainly different, but different isn't always good. Sloopy gore effects, editing that looks like it was done by a chainsaw, and some of the most annoying characters ever demolish whatever chances it had. Adrienne Barbeau livens things up when she finally arrives on screen and gives the film a touch of class, but alas it is too late and too little screen time for her.

Rated R; Graphic Violence, Adult Themes, Sexual Situations, Nudity, and Profanity.

Me, my sister, and our aunt rented this and 3 other movies...I wanted a horror movie and my aunt wanted something that was current (because she's seen probably all of the 70's horror flicks) so we rented The Convent.

I had a feeling that it'd be cheap and crappy and I was right.

The whole movie had us laughing so hard! I don't remember the last time I laughed that hard and for that long! Also, I noticed two references to other horrors movies in there--Halloween, when the nun walks up to the little girl in the graveyard she has on the Michael Myers mask. And when the nun walks up to the girl in the desk in that flashback scene she spews green stuff on her (The Exorcist.) This movie will have you in tears laughing! (Well it did for at least me, my sister, and my aunt!) I also think it was the director's intention to make it campy fun I dunno if he intended it to be an actual horror film.

Or maybe he did and knew that it'd turn out to be a crappy D horror flick so he went crazy with the budget and script! I found this extremely entertaining and gave it a 7!

As a fan of fun horror movies like "The Evil Dead", "From Beyond", and "Demons" (or even "Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers"), I find today's multiplexes a barren wasteland when it comes to frenzied, hilarious, gore-and-violence filled fright flicks. I'm forced to choke down pale simulacrums like "Valentine", "Dracula 2000", and "Urban Legends: Final Cut" in theaters, while voraciously re-watching the Herschell Gordon Lewis/Coffin Joe catalog at home. I'm a sad horror junkie aching for a fix.

That's why viewing "The Convent" in a theater packed with like-minded gore-o-philes was a near orgasmic experience. Finally, a modern horror flick that aims for all the right targets, hitting most of them and shoveling a bucket-load of entertainment down my parched, killer-nun hungry gullet.

"The Convent" tells the tale of some dopey fraternity types breaking into an abandoned nunnery only to encounter carnage-hungry ghouls, fey devil worshippers, and oodles of cool imagery, skin peeling, and decapitations. When's the last time they made a movie about that kind of stuff that wasn't crap? What's even more impressive is that this movie is funny- hilariously so, and on purpose. In fact, not only is "The Coven" better than most recent horror movies, it's funnier than most so-called comedies. I dare anyone with a sick sense of humor not to fall in love with the destined-to-be-legendary flashback scene of evil nuns running amuck through a 1950s Catholic School.

The dialog is great, too (In retrospect, I can think of only one stupid line that made me cringe, concerning saving one's virginity for pasty poser Marylyn Manson) and delivered by a capable, amiable cast who turn stereotypical roles into likable characterizations. I expected to hate the stoner womanizer and the Goth chick lead, but the actors playing them were so good that I ended up loving them. There's even two characters who seem to be straight out of those "Saturday Night Live" Goth Talk sketches, but they are funny and I was actually looking forward to seeing more of them! Throw in Coolio and Bill Mosely (Chop-Top in "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2") as dope-snatching college cops and Adrienne Barbeau as a legendary DemoNun slayer and you've got an affair to remember!

Yet another thing that endeared me to this flick was the fact that it was obviously made by knowledgeable horror fans, but unlike similar (but far inferior) projects like "The Dead Hate the Living" or "The Dead Next Door" they don't chuck obvious, "aren't-we-cool-wink-wink" genre references at you. "The Convent" has got subtle references to "The Beyond", "Zombie", and others I'm sure I missed, plus, a "Sixteen Candles" gag! What more could you ask for?

Well, I would've asked for more gore. Except for the numerous, outstanding beheadings (and subsequent squirting neck stumps), most of the demon-attacks are shot in a shaky-cam, distorted style that makes it hard to see the details. If I was prone to cliches, I might use the words "hyper-kinetic" or "frenetic" to describe the film's style, but I'm not, so I won't. Still, this movie has much more splat-sticky maulings than any other flick on the market today, and the demon make-up is unique and creative. This movie even makes day-glow colors look cool (something Joel Schumaker couldn't do despite his huge "Batman & Robin" budget). Another minor complaint is that the movie is almost too fast paced and seems hurried and choppy in places. The kick-ass opening scene (in which a gal blows away some pious puss-faces to the chords of Lesley's Gore's immortal "You Don't Own Me") is edited like a movie trailer, and the film's climax seems rushed. Instead of a slam-bang explosive finale we're treated to some indecipherable computer effects that seem to be inserted as a placeholder until real effects became available. But those are minor caveats. Sure, this is no "Dead Alive" or "Re-Animator", but it is superior to most other recent horror offerings in every department- script, cast, make-up effects, you name it.

The fact that this momentous motion picture cannot find a national theatrical distributor proves how out of touch some movie studios are with horror fans. I'm sure no dime would be spared to promote another brain-dead "I Know What You Did Last Summer" sequel. So catch this movie wherever and whenever you can, preferably in a theater full of people. You'll be oh so glad you did.