Night of Horror

Night of Horror is a thing of wonder, a film so self contained, so tightly bound it functions as black hole cinema, the viewer drawn in, shrunk to lightless atoms able only to contemplate their own operation as observer. Which makes it remarkable amongst horror cinema of the early 80's a film that not only encourages but actually aids the viewer in the pursuit of self knowledge. Director Tony Malanowski has here truly crafted a scintillating, awe inspiring... Christ, I can't go on like this, I'm trying, I'm trying real hard but I just gotta level. Night of Horror sucks ass. I have huge respect for anyone who can put a film together and get distribution, it's not an easy thing for anyone, but despite this I have to recommend with some ferocity against watching this one. Among genre films, it must surely be one of the absolute worst and I say this not lightly. I also specify genre films, as I would still rather re-watch Night of Horror than re-watch Forrest Gump, though to be honest I would sooner eat a literal bag of dicks (Armin Meiwes apparently has a recipe book coming out) than re-watch that POS. But as far as genre films go, there really isn't much worse. Monster a Go Go has Henry Hite and some amusing dialogue, Blood Lake has the righteous Li'l Tony (most punchable kid in all of the 980's?), heck even Savage Water has cool scenery. Night of Horror has, lets see, fog, the worst ever excuse for a bar, a driving scene that'll have you longing for the genius of Hal Warren, unnatractive, lifeless actors and tiresome characters, demented continuity, a heroic lens smudge a gratuitously lengthy Civil War re-enactment scene, talkative ghosts and a plastic skull. It doesn't even have the good grace to be innovatively bad, its characters are routinely tiresome, its repetitive score isn't maddening enough to be memorable and its plot is void of suspense or even any real conflict. Flashback to a tedious tale of supernatural redemption recounted in the worst imaginable excuse for a bar set, zero gore, tits or excitement, it's a film of nothing, a 70 odd minute celluloid zero. Watching it will show you things about yourself, but only bad ones like the futility of your existence and endeavour, and these not even in a good way. Basically its 1/10 stuff all the way, don't watch it.

Evil has many dimensions. It can make you angry, it can make you quiver with fear, it can make you doubt the existence of a kind and loving Supreme Being. For years I've sought Ultimate Evil, ever since I discovered that Plan 9 not only isn't the worst film ever made, it probably shouldn't make the Bottom 20.

And, while I'm always ready & eager to audition new candidates, "Night of Horror" may be -- IT. This film turns ALL the dials on the Evil Meter to 11. It will make you angry AND afraid AND plunge you into blackest despair.

Picture this. You take three or four of your lumpiest mullet-headed male buddies and dress them in Confederate uniforms. Put a bucket of dry ice in front of a Ford Gran Torino and turn on the headlights. Have your buddies stand in front of the lights and shift from one foot to the other. That's the sum of your horrifying FX.

Picture this. You see some goat-roper in line at Wal-Mart with 1978 REO Speedwagon hair and so skinny, his jeans fit exactly the same with the fly in the front or the back. That's your male lead. Oh - identify him as a "California rock singer" so everybody will know that he's supposed to be terminally hip.

Picture this. You want to establish your female lead as being hopelessly sensitive. So you have her read an Edgar Allen Poe poem to the male lead in the back of an RV. It works too well - his voice-over tells us he's now afraid of losing his cool.

This doesn't give you even a hint of how loathsome Night of Horror is. I've seen it cause even hardened veterans of the Bad Movie Wars to hit the Eject button screaming after the first twenty minutes. Manos at least had the studly cape. Zombie Lake had the naked girls' basketball team treading water. They Saved Hitler's Brain at least had Hitler's head mugging it up in the back seat. But Night of Horror has NOTHING. NOTHING. NOT ONE MOMENT of inspiration, humor, or gratuitous nay-nays. NOT ONE FRAME that doesn't look like it was shot in a koi pond and processed in bongwater.

And this turkey di tutti turkeys ACTUALLY FOUND A DISTRIBUTOR. Do you understand what that means? I have no doubt that all around the world people have worse films sitting in cans in ancient Kelvinators rattling away in mouldering tool sheds, that they just can't make themselves take to the dump. But Night of Horror actually caused money to change hands - somebody screened this excrescence, said, "Yeah, I think I can make a buck off that," and cut Malanowski a check.

We're there. This is it. We've touched bottom. Until Battlefield Earth 2 premieres, The Worst Movie Ever Made.

A downcast member of a rock band sits in a self-service bar, recalling to an acquaintance the bewildering details of a road trip he took the year prior with a group of friends, one of whom was touched with extrasensory perception. Their relaxing getaway was interrupted by spirits of Confederate soldiers in desperate need of human help to free their tormented souls.

NIGHT OF HORROR is a cataclysmically poor film on every level imaginable, and the mind boggles as to how this minutiae of provisions could possibly have received even scant video distribution. Unappealing people doing nothing to speak of...that is the whole of this Godforsaken nonmovie. Just to hint at what a slop-job of amateur immersion it is, understand that a lengthy duration is prominently accented by a dust-bunny sticking to the camera lens. The sound and lighting appear to have been supervised by Helen Keller, the sets are a pathetic scramble of whatever fundamentals happened to be on-hand, and most importantly.... WHERE IS THE "HORROR"? A couple of immobile Southern Graybacks in the blaze of a floodlight who mumble indiscernably, and a single plaster skull? There's absolutely nothing...no bloodshed, no atmosphere, not even a single boob to breathe life into this rudderless tabula-rasa. All you get with this nothing-burger is a long stretch of coarse home movie footage showing some southern-fried Civil War battle reenactment, set to the tune of a nerve-raking folk ballad. It's so apocalyptically awful that it nearly qualifies as an act of aesthetic terrorism.

My rating? "The Finger".

You know how in most cheaply made B-movies from the 70s, the build-up tends to be endless because they're saving every penny for some good stuff in the third act? Well, "Night Of Horror" is kind of like that, only without that third act. The entire movie is people sitting around in an RV, then in the last ten minutes they hear a ghost whisper for what feels like eight hours, bury a plastic skull, then they all go home alive. If I'm going to sit through scene after scene of long-winded narrations with fantastically interesting lines like "we drove several more hours, the girls made some sandwiches en we all had some beers" (the plot thickens!), you better kill this entire bunch in the end. This movie is only 76 minutes long, but it's still one of the most unbearable things I've ever sat through. The audio is terrible, which is a problem when your movie is nothing but talking. Lighting seems to be achieved by pointing the camera directly at the sun. The background changes from sunny afternoon to pitch black night roughly sixteen times each scene. A dark basement with four stools in it and absolutely nothing else serves as a bar: dear Lord, at least get someone's dad to play a bartender. I know this was made by amateur filmmakers and the entire cast and crew is family and friends, but how do you watch this end product and still decide to release it?

Quite amazingly, director Tony Malanowski would actually go on to have a career in films. He's credited as the editor for several Troma movies, it's not much but it's more than you'd expect from watching this movie.

Night of Horror (1981)

BOMB (out of 4)

Ridiculous horror movie has four people traveling to a cabin, which just so happens to be on a Civil War battlefield. After reading a story from the one and only Poe, soon the four are haunted by the ghosts of some dead soldiers.

NIGHT OF HORROR really should be a better known movie. Not because it's good or contains some great death scene. No, this film should be better known because of how downright horrible it is. There's really not a single good thing that I can say about this movie, which was apparently made for four thousands dollars. Even at that low of a budget I'm questioning whether someone was stealing money.

I'm really not sure if this thing actually played in a movie theater but I can't imagine how the people felt watching it if it did. As I said, there's really nothing good that can be said about this movie and it's really hard to sit through even with a short 72-minute running time. The majority of that time is devoted to character sitting around talking or else having some bad dialogue from the ghosts being whispered to them.

The film has some Civil War footage towards the end of the movie and I'm going to guess that the director just filmed this at a re-enactment battle. I guess you could say this footage was the best thing about the picture but even this gets dragged out and eventually gets boring. Normally I can recommend movies like NIGHT OF HORROR to bad movie lovers but this one here is so bad that it's hard to even do that.