Night of Horror

Evil has many dimensions. It can make you angry, it can make you quiver with fear, it can make you doubt the existence of a kind and loving Supreme Being. For years I've sought Ultimate Evil, ever since I discovered that Plan 9 not only isn't the worst film ever made, it probably shouldn't make the Bottom 20.

And, while I'm always ready & eager to audition new candidates, "Night of Horror" may be -- IT. This film turns ALL the dials on the Evil Meter to 11. It will make you angry AND afraid AND plunge you into blackest despair.

Picture this. You take three or four of your lumpiest mullet-headed male buddies and dress them in Confederate uniforms. Put a bucket of dry ice in front of a Ford Gran Torino and turn on the headlights. Have your buddies stand in front of the lights and shift from one foot to the other. That's the sum of your horrifying FX.

Picture this. You see some goat-roper in line at Wal-Mart with 1978 REO Speedwagon hair and so skinny, his jeans fit exactly the same with the fly in the front or the back. That's your male lead. Oh - identify him as a "California rock singer" so everybody will know that he's supposed to be terminally hip.

Picture this. You want to establish your female lead as being hopelessly sensitive. So you have her read an Edgar Allen Poe poem to the male lead in the back of an RV. It works too well - his voice-over tells us he's now afraid of losing his cool.

This doesn't give you even a hint of how loathsome Night of Horror is. I've seen it cause even hardened veterans of the Bad Movie Wars to hit the Eject button screaming after the first twenty minutes. Manos at least had the studly cape. Zombie Lake had the naked girls' basketball team treading water. They Saved Hitler's Brain at least had Hitler's head mugging it up in the back seat. But Night of Horror has NOTHING. NOTHING. NOT ONE MOMENT of inspiration, humor, or gratuitous nay-nays. NOT ONE FRAME that doesn't look like it was shot in a koi pond and processed in bongwater.

And this turkey di tutti turkeys ACTUALLY FOUND A DISTRIBUTOR. Do you understand what that means? I have no doubt that all around the world people have worse films sitting in cans in ancient Kelvinators rattling away in mouldering tool sheds, that they just can't make themselves take to the dump. But Night of Horror actually caused money to change hands - somebody screened this excrescence, said, "Yeah, I think I can make a buck off that," and cut Malanowski a check.

We're there. This is it. We've touched bottom. Until Battlefield Earth 2 premieres, The Worst Movie Ever Made.

"Night of Horror" by Tony Malanowski is an absolute torture to sit through.It's about civil war spirits that tell the viewer "Hatred and fear ruled our lives,ruled our thoughts,caused our deaths.But love kept us sane and now...brings us back!".So prepare for the night of sheer horror...no,wait...sheer boredom.Steve Sandkuhler plays musician and Tony Malanowski shines as his half-brother Chris Marker.Their deceased father has left them a cabin in the remote Virginia Mountain country.So Steve,Chris,Chris' wife and Steve's now unattainable love interest Colleen and her sister Susan take RV out to the cabin for incredibly dull weekend.But the woods are dark and there are spirits of three Civil War soldiers,who were killed by Union soldiers.Sleep-inducing piece of crap with monotonous music and bad acting."Night of Horror" was later remade by Malanowski as much more entertaining and well-made "Curse of the Screaming Dead".2 out of 10.

Well it was a cold, bitter cold, night and I was on my way to the local video store. This old Mom n' Pop place that I had only been to a few times, the owners were very nice and had an extremely nice collection of horror films. All kinds of em' lined the shelves, zombies, vampires, werewolves, mummies, you name it and it was probably there. Growing up I had long loved a film called "Curse of the Screaming Dead" and still think it's a pretty decent flick (okay it's crap but it's crap I like). So when I found out there was another movie called "Night of Horror" which was supposedly the original film that "Curse of the Screaming Dead" was based on I was a little giddy. At the time I had just found a copy of the original "Curse of the Screaming Dead" on it's original label Mogul so finding "Night of Horror" was a must for me. God I wished I had slapped myself...

So there I am in the video store searching the shelves for something to catch my eye and there it is, "Night of Horror". The movie I thought I'd probably never find was sitting right in front of me. I was a little surprised but I expected them to have a movie like this because they had been open since the dawn of video and the owner bought every movie he could get his hands on. So I bring "Night of Horror" up to the counter and I look up at the woman who has her usual smile and I asked if I could possibly buy the movie. I figured I should like it somewhat if I liked "Curse of the Screaming Dead". She looked at the box and then at her husband and he just looked at me. He looked up the film and nodded yes, come to find out the last time the tape had been rented Reagan was president so it was okay. I got the video for $2 (that should have been a huge sign if you're paying less than what it costs to rent) and I thought I made out like a bandit. Boy was I wrong.

I bring the movie home and do the usual, popcorn, soda, and other assorted snacks. I sat down and pushed play on my remote and once the film started I wanted nothing more than to go both deaf and blind. First off if you're going to make a movie, learn how to light the damn thing, when there was a light it looked like someone had gotten a giant spotlight and set it down in front of the camera. And the night shots...don't even get me started. Then there's the acting...wait that was there? I don't remember acting, oh those people who were walking around and babbling incoherently those were actors? Were they trying to act bad because they pulled it off brilliantly. As for the effects, what effects!? There was a freaking' fake skull and a fog machine with a raspy, and I mean raspy, voice attached to it. That's an effect!? Bah! After it was over and I slipped out of the coma I attempted to return the movie to the store simply saying it didn't work. I told them they could keep the money but the tape was broken. They wouldn't take it...they looked at me straight in the face and said no. The nice old couple soon became the devil and his bride incarnate. I wanted to scream, they knew what they were doing the whole time. They sold me the movie because they knew it was terrible. Argh! I threw the movie back into my room and it hasn't moved from the spot it's been in for over 2 years.

Until now, I reviewed it before writing this review and I have to say I hate IMDb.com, and I hate you all for making me re-watch this movie again for the purpose of this review. Oh what a tangled web you all weave...please for the love of all that's holy; avoid this movie like it were the plague, like it was a possessed horned up monkey with crabs that could very well be cooked and feed a family of 4.

STAY AWAY!

Night of Horror (1981)

BOMB (out of 4)

Ridiculous horror movie has four people traveling to a cabin, which just so happens to be on a Civil War battlefield. After reading a story from the one and only Poe, soon the four are haunted by the ghosts of some dead soldiers.

NIGHT OF HORROR really should be a better known movie. Not because it's good or contains some great death scene. No, this film should be better known because of how downright horrible it is. There's really not a single good thing that I can say about this movie, which was apparently made for four thousands dollars. Even at that low of a budget I'm questioning whether someone was stealing money.

I'm really not sure if this thing actually played in a movie theater but I can't imagine how the people felt watching it if it did. As I said, there's really nothing good that can be said about this movie and it's really hard to sit through even with a short 72-minute running time. The majority of that time is devoted to character sitting around talking or else having some bad dialogue from the ghosts being whispered to them.

The film has some Civil War footage towards the end of the movie and I'm going to guess that the director just filmed this at a re-enactment battle. I guess you could say this footage was the best thing about the picture but even this gets dragged out and eventually gets boring. Normally I can recommend movies like NIGHT OF HORROR to bad movie lovers but this one here is so bad that it's hard to even do that.

You just might think you have seen the worst film ever. "Manos" the Hands of fate, Plan 9 form Outer Space, Monster-A-Go-Go, or even House of the Dead....Trust me when I tell you that you do not know real pain until you have seen the thankfully almost unknown Night of Horror.

If would be different if something happened at all in the film...it does not. Just try to think of Curse of the Screaming Dead/Curse of the Cannibal Confederates WITHOUT ANY ZOMBIES. Yes, I am serious. That is just what this film is.

Honestly...this is the worst movie of all time, and I don't mean that in a good way at all. Let's put it this way I LIKE "Manos" the hands of fate, and even I can hardly take "Night of Horror". I have now seen it twice and will never ever watch it again for any reason.

I can tell you of only one slightly entertaining thing about this flick....a lens smudge It is by far the highpoint in the film and when it went away I was sad to see it go. At least while it was on screen it took my attention away from the movie.