Au temps de la guerre des étoiles

Not long ago I attended a party give by my Star Wars group and as a prize in the trivia contest I received - among other things - a VHS copy of The Star Wars Holiday Special. Having now seen it I have begun to wonder if it wouldn't have best been served as the booby prize. Anyone who obsessively bashes Episode I for being too lame, too mamby pamby or too childish obviously has yet to set eyes of this 1978 hunk of Christmas cow flop strung together on the authority of George Lucas' ex wife Marsha. I know they got divorced sometime after this special aired but I'm guessing that is she had it in mind to ruin him, this was the perfect weapon.

It's been 25 years since CBS hoisted this unholy nightmare on the American public and in that time I had never seen it until last night and oh my lord I could have gone another 25, 40, 50, 300 years without ever having it drilled into my brain a second time.

This is without a doubt the most horrific thing I have ever witnessed on screen and I've seen Howard the Duck! What in the world possessed anyone to soil the Star Wars name with this dreck? My friend assured me that the special was actually pretty good if you got past all the Wookie manure - BUT THE WOOKIES TAKE OVER THE WHOLE SHOW!!!!

The story takes place sometime after Episode IV and finds Chewbacca's family waiting for him to come home for something called Life Day (I dunno, maybe it's a day where they worship board games). The wookies are nothing short of nauseating. Mama bear (Chewie's wife) gushes over a picture of her beloved and is forever scolding Chewie's son Lumpy. Lumpy (yes, Lumpy) whines, disobeys and aggravates the stew out of his mother. Sadly, he becomes the central character.

The most curious character is Itchy, the grandfather (where's Scratchy?) a gray haired old codger with a serious under bite and a strange fixation on Diahann Carroll. She plays a character credited as "Holographic Wow". He's given a gift for Life Day that looks something like a hair dryer, the kind you might have found in a beauty parlor when segregation was in effect. This strange device offers gramps a vision of Carroll superimposed on something that looks like a dirty bathtub drain. He gets so excited at one point that he begins beating the chair arm rapidly with his fist. And that's all I have to say about that.

Chewie's family isn't the most repulsive thing in this mess. No, the fingernails-on-the-blackboard award goes to Harvey Korman who plays three ungainly characters, one more jaw-dropping than the last. First, he plays a rather odd looking female robotic chef who hosts a cooking show and gets a little excited when she gets to the part where she is suppose to stir and whip at the same time (the mixture that is). The second is the most bizarre, a robotic instructor who gives Lumpy instructions on how to put an electronic device together and malfunctions in ways that just shouldn't be seen on public television. The third is a strange creature who drinks through a hole in the top of his head and has a fixation on Bea Arthur (don't ask). Bea Arthur by the way plays the Cantina bartender and has to get everyone out because the Empire has imposed a curfew. How does she clear the place? She sings!

In the midst of all the guest star hooey are Mark Hamill smacked with so much eye make-up that he looks like his own action figure. And then there's Harrison "what in the heck am I doing here" Ford and a hopped-up, glassy-eyed Carrie Fisher looking like . . . well there is a Betty Ford joke here but it's just too easy.

I will say that the day is almost saved by an odd but kind of fun animated sequence involving Luke and the droids befriending Boba Fett who is secretly leading them to Vader. It's cute and I would like to have seen more but I have yet to understand why Han's animated face looks like a Clone Trooper helmet (shrug).

3PO appears briefly in this special for recognition sake and truthfully when it was all over I was surprised that he didn't once muse "How did we get into this mess?" I would have asked that question myself.

As many other posters stated, I had been warned. And the legends are true! And like the Nazis, once you remove the cover to the Ark, you have to deal with the consequences. I paid 13 bucks for it, and it is a pile of crap. For the stouthearted who choose to soldier on, I have two recommendations:

1. Do not watch this alone! Like any other emotional trauma, the support of friends is crucial to survival. By the end, you will either want to climb a steeple with a rifle, or go into the garage and start the car.

2. Do not operate while unimpaired. An altered level of consciousness can cushion your psyche. I tried it straight, but within ten minutes I was forced to seek the companionship of my foamy 12 ounce friends.

At any rate, this helping of dog goo brings to light painful questions about Chewbacca and his people long ago in a galaxy far, far away. Questions probably better left unasked. Such as, despite the treetop setting, why does their dwelling place resemble a 70's ski lodge with an Astroturf floor?

Why does the local trader wear black plastic Earth glasses? How were the Wookies able to convert an ordinary cassette player into a Holograph projector? And, regarding said projector, why is the youth Lumpy (who is probably yelling "Franks and Beans!" in Wookie), so fascinated with the freakish flailings of a poor man's Cirque de Soleil? Finally, why in God's name does the patriarch of the clan, Itchy, get so aroused over a pseudo Irene Cara performing a sickening disco song and dance? It was highly disturbing.

Those are the questions that torment me. The other posters have done a far better job than myself covering the horrid sequences with Starship, Bea Arthur (shudder), Harvey Korman and Art Carney. But I must add this: I thought the animated sequence sucked. The story with decent artists probably would have been a cool comic book, but the animation and artwork was terrible. Too cartoony. Artoo physically jumping, his rigid metallic body curving about. And something about Han's head looking like it had been run over by a truck, all squashed...

Like Lot's wife, you have been warned...

OK, if you are reading this, you have probably already heard about the nightmarish details of this film. Carrie Fisher sings, badly, an "inspirational" version of the Star Wars theme. Art Carney shows way too much skin. Mark Hammill looks like a drag queen, and Harrison Ford looks like he was dragged on set against his will by a gang of thugs.

The "musical numbers" are bizarre, irrelevant, and bear no resemblance to anything else. I think I speak for everyone when I say that I hope that mysterious orifice on the top of Harvey Korman's head has one, and only one, use.

But, gentle reader, I do not criticize the painful individual moments of this disaster, no matter how many there are. I do not even criticize the fact that Wookies are made to look like either obnoxious twits or creepy perverts. No, I want to talk about pacing, or in this work's case, p-a-c-i-n-g...

Taken as a whole, there was about enough plot here for a 30 minute network special. But, that would not be long enough. So, the viewer gets 20 minutes of wookie-speak, which goes nowhere. And dance numbers, which go nowhere... And Bea Arthur singing, which might go somewhere we don't want to know about... The fact is, amazingly little happens during this thing's excruciatingly long running time.

Having a martini handy is a must. Just do not drink every time you get bored.

A film about Chewbaccas family, and their celebration of Life Day. A film so bad, it was only aired once. George Lucas has been quoted as saying: If he had the time, he would break every existing VHS-copy of this movie - it is that bad! It contains Leia singing, Chewbaccas dad watching a fantasy movie, with erotic undertones, acrobats, an animated section and a rock concert. All your favorite characters from the first movie is here - one worse than the other.

The film isn't helped by the fact that much of the dialog is in Chewbaccas language.

There are also many logical holes in the story, like when Chewbaccas wife calls the local tradesman on the video phone, she gets to watch a long sequence of what goes on in the shop before the tradesman suddenly notices that someone is calling.

The core of the story - if you can call it a story - is that Chewbacca isn't home for Life Day in time - he is held up by fighting the Empire. This probably only takes up 5% of the movie time - most of the movie takes place in Chewbaccas home. We see what goes on with the family while they wait, with occasional brief appearances by characters from the first Star Wars movie.

This is truly a horrible movie - worth watching, just to see how bad it can be done!

I was stoned out of my mind when I saw this thing. It's truly stunning. Note that Hollywood Squares staple Bruce Vilanch was one of the writers. (This show bears odd similarities to his other opus, "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour".) By the time this creation, which I call "Episode 4.5" was in its zenith, so was I; the pipe was empty. I felt as though Princess Leia's voice was vibrating in my spine. At one point she looked right at me and I saw her with my entire face, not just my eyes. The best moments are with Bea Arthur. I rewound the exchange between her and "Ludlow" and "Thorpe" about twenty times. "Short memory, eh, Thorpe? SHORT MEMORY!" By the time the Wookies were walking through outer space in red robes towards what appears to be the sun I felt as though I was with them. I don't remember the cartoon, but I do recall Mark Hamill looking like he was auditioning for the Gay Ice Capades. Also, you will find out several things you may have wanted to know about "Star Wars":

How do Wookies entertain themselves? Why is Grandpa Wookie named "Itchy"? What is the warm, cuddly side of Han Solo? What would a love scene between Bea Arthur and Harvey Korman REALLY look like? What are the lyrics to the "Star Wars" theme? And what would they sound like if Princess Leia sang them? What would it be like for an aged, portly Art Carney to engage in a familiar "Honeymooners" routine with an Imperial Guard as his Ralphie-boy? But it stll leaves several questions: Why does "Lumpy" so resemble the kid from "Eight is Enough"? Why do the characters from "Star Wars" never change their clothes until "The Empire Strikes Back"? What was the story behind the "Short memory!" crack? Was there a romance between Bea Arthur and "Thorpe"? If so, what are the long-term consequences to the Cantina atmosphere? Was Bea Arthur just filling in that day for the big ugly fellow who ran the bar in "A New Hope"? Or does she own the place? Why do Imperial Guards adore "Jefferson Starship", and why do old Wookies have a fetish for African-American Humans?

I hope Lucas creates another one of these. I would love to see Jar-Jar Binks exchange puns with Kelsey Grammar or Ray Romano.