Teenage Space Vampires

You are looking for a movie, maybe something cheesy and fun to watch. You see the title Teenage Space Vampires and you nod approvingly to yourself. You know it is going to be cheesy, probably some good gore and some nudity too! Well, you would be wrong on almost all accounts as never has a more bland vampire movie been made before as those Dracula flicks of the 50's had more blood! About the only thing we get here is a passable main vampire monster which takes forever to show up as do most of the vampires!

The story, well imagine if you took the Tobe Hooper visionary film Lifeforce, combined it with the very good horror comedy Fright Night and then kind of puked on them and then you cleaned it up and put it in a toilet that someone had just wrecked! Well you would get this movie that is trying to combine space and vampires and comedy but does so horribly! Billy sees an object and thinks it's a UFO, strange things happen and a soccer game plays a prominent role and at some point space vampires do show up...

Well, there is one thing even worse in this film than the story, the effects and the lack of anything interesting going on and that is some of the actors. I began to wonder if may Billy's parents were aliens as they did not act like any human I have witnessed before and his friend was pretty bad too, though it is nice to see one half of the Proclaimers working after their one hit.

So, you get a whole lot of nothing in this one for the most part as I believe this film is the only vampire film to ever be blood free! I mean, if you make a good story you do not have to have a total gore movie complete with lots of nudity, but the story in this one is not good and it does not chug along at a good pace either. I mean, you get to see two guys in a library looking up stuff to determine sunlight is the way to hurt a vampire...

I stumbled upon "Teenage Space Vampires" on Netflix, and with a title such as this, I had to sit down and watch it, of course. And yeah, I knew that this was most likely going to be a stinker. But I still watched it on the odd chance that it might actually turn out to be a campy gem.

It wasn't!

This movie was horrible. The storyline was laughable at best, and there were so many things throughout the course of the movie that made little or no coherent sense at all. Sure, I wasn't expecting a thespian story here, but come on, this was just insulting to the audience.

The cast in the movie was actually adequate, just a shame that they had such an atrocious script and plot to work with. So the storyline served as an inhibitor around the ankles of the performers, effectively holding them back in a less than mediocre gutter.

The special effects in the movie were not even remotely great, taking into consideration that the movie was made in 1999. The special effects were mediocre and the make-up on the creatures was on one hand alright, but on the other hand horrible. The part where it was alright is that it looked interesting enough. The bad aspect to it was the fact that they opted to only put the make-up on the faces of the performers, leaving the rest of the body untouched by similar make-up and prosthetic. That was just laughable.

I dozed off once during the movie, because it was such a prolonged movie with a storyline that had next to no appeal at all. I did manage to endure the movie to the very end, and I can in all honesty say that I will never return to watch "Teenage Space Vampires" a second time.

This is one of the worst movies I've seen in my life. If you're looking for a nice theatrical effect, skip it and watch something else.

But if you're looking for camp-value, this is it. Here's my advice: Gather a few sarcastic friends and watch the movie strictly for the purpose of making fun of it.

Teenage Space Vampires, in my opinion, is a boring, godawful slog. Cheesy plot, cheesy costumes, cheesy fake teeth, cheesy '90s CGI, cheesy obvious ADR.

This might, *might* have been at least entertainingly bad if only the characters in it had any semblance of a personality. Just about every character in this movie is more or less a pile of gray mush stacked high and dressed in stereotypical '90s garb, even the main characters-ESPECIALLY the main characters. I can barely remember their names, let alone any of their defining traits outside of one of them having horrible bleached hair.

The only thing close to an honest-to-goodness character that this movie has is a grumpy middle-aged neighbor lady with a thick Romanian accent. She's bugged 'cause her paper never gets delivered on time. She looks like Nathan Lane in drag and she sounds like Maria Ouspenskaya on Quaaludes. You can't miss her. And when she's not on screen, you won't.

Now, I am not averse to wasting my time on crappy movies. Crappy movies sometimes have some redeeming value. This movie had none. It has nothing, period. I couldn't even get angry at it, it was so bland. I hate it because there's nothing good enough in it to like and nothing bad enough in it to either bemuse or offend me.

This movie has no worth to me. It's not even worth a proper, well-thought-out review. All it deserves is this: pbbbbbt! I want the time I wasted on this movie back, damn it!

This is a movie that was probably made to entertain the middle school, early high school age kids. Maybe to them it's funny, they may possibly even see something scary in it. To me, the acting is poor, and plot is poor, there's just not much value at all for the adult viewer. I saw this film as weak and boring. At times there was the possibility that the movie could become interesting but it never really materialized. The creatures look pretty good but after seeing them for a few seconds, they don't seem to have any substance other than the look. At times I wasn't sure if the movie was trying to make another attempt at comedy or was it just another attempt at horror that failed again. This movie just wasn't good for me.