Teenage Space Vampires

Classic Full Moon trash. It's like Lifeforce meets Independence Day meets Dazed and Confused. Vampire aliens want to shut off the sun, or something, and it's up to our band of worthless high schoolers who look like they're in their early 30s to stop this nefarious scheme. I'm only giving it 6 stars for audacity. The production quality is exactly what it deserves to be (mediocre) and it doesn't really accomplish anything over the course of the plot. The alien/vampire monsters looked...OK? I dunno. They had decent makeup and costumes, so that's good. This may have been one of the last classic Full Moon movies. I had a hard time finding this because the version I watched was under the title Darkness, for some reason.

I stumbled upon "Teenage Space Vampires" on Netflix, and with a title such as this, I had to sit down and watch it, of course. And yeah, I knew that this was most likely going to be a stinker. But I still watched it on the odd chance that it might actually turn out to be a campy gem.

It wasn't!

This movie was horrible. The storyline was laughable at best, and there were so many things throughout the course of the movie that made little or no coherent sense at all. Sure, I wasn't expecting a thespian story here, but come on, this was just insulting to the audience.

The cast in the movie was actually adequate, just a shame that they had such an atrocious script and plot to work with. So the storyline served as an inhibitor around the ankles of the performers, effectively holding them back in a less than mediocre gutter.

The special effects in the movie were not even remotely great, taking into consideration that the movie was made in 1999. The special effects were mediocre and the make-up on the creatures was on one hand alright, but on the other hand horrible. The part where it was alright is that it looked interesting enough. The bad aspect to it was the fact that they opted to only put the make-up on the faces of the performers, leaving the rest of the body untouched by similar make-up and prosthetic. That was just laughable.

I dozed off once during the movie, because it was such a prolonged movie with a storyline that had next to no appeal at all. I did manage to endure the movie to the very end, and I can in all honesty say that I will never return to watch "Teenage Space Vampires" a second time.

You are looking for a movie, maybe something cheesy and fun to watch. You see the title Teenage Space Vampires and you nod approvingly to yourself. You know it is going to be cheesy, probably some good gore and some nudity too! Well, you would be wrong on almost all accounts as never has a more bland vampire movie been made before as those Dracula flicks of the 50's had more blood! About the only thing we get here is a passable main vampire monster which takes forever to show up as do most of the vampires!

The story, well imagine if you took the Tobe Hooper visionary film Lifeforce, combined it with the very good horror comedy Fright Night and then kind of puked on them and then you cleaned it up and put it in a toilet that someone had just wrecked! Well you would get this movie that is trying to combine space and vampires and comedy but does so horribly! Billy sees an object and thinks it's a UFO, strange things happen and a soccer game plays a prominent role and at some point space vampires do show up...

Well, there is one thing even worse in this film than the story, the effects and the lack of anything interesting going on and that is some of the actors. I began to wonder if may Billy's parents were aliens as they did not act like any human I have witnessed before and his friend was pretty bad too, though it is nice to see one half of the Proclaimers working after their one hit.

So, you get a whole lot of nothing in this one for the most part as I believe this film is the only vampire film to ever be blood free! I mean, if you make a good story you do not have to have a total gore movie complete with lots of nudity, but the story in this one is not good and it does not chug along at a good pace either. I mean, you get to see two guys in a library looking up stuff to determine sunlight is the way to hurt a vampire...

This is one of the worst movies I've seen in my life. If you're looking for a nice theatrical effect, skip it and watch something else.

But if you're looking for camp-value, this is it. Here's my advice: Gather a few sarcastic friends and watch the movie strictly for the purpose of making fun of it.

This movie's only redeeming factor was the fact that it was on TV for free, and that it probably helped the Romanian economy. Other than that, Hallmark needs to re-evaluate this division of their empire, and maybe keep their movies more oriented towards bizarre love affairs between cancer-stricken hemophiliacs in Mississippi. To go into details about how mindless this movie is would give credit to it for being memorable. It wasn't. I remember the act of watching it, there being vampires (some of them teenage) and some very bad dubbing. Whoever worked on the dubbing track of this movie needs to be relocated to another sector of society...maybe food service, to the deaf. If you have the opportunity, watch this movie, just because it makes so many other really bad movies seem Oscar-worthy in retrospect. Then again, if you actually ended up at this movie's profile, I imagine that it may be too late...