Teenage Space Vampires

This is one of the worst movies I've seen in my life. If you're looking for a nice theatrical effect, skip it and watch something else.

But if you're looking for camp-value, this is it. Here's my advice: Gather a few sarcastic friends and watch the movie strictly for the purpose of making fun of it.

Teenage Space Vampires, in my opinion, is a boring, godawful slog. Cheesy plot, cheesy costumes, cheesy fake teeth, cheesy '90s CGI, cheesy obvious ADR.

This might, *might* have been at least entertainingly bad if only the characters in it had any semblance of a personality. Just about every character in this movie is more or less a pile of gray mush stacked high and dressed in stereotypical '90s garb, even the main characters-ESPECIALLY the main characters. I can barely remember their names, let alone any of their defining traits outside of one of them having horrible bleached hair.

The only thing close to an honest-to-goodness character that this movie has is a grumpy middle-aged neighbor lady with a thick Romanian accent. She's bugged 'cause her paper never gets delivered on time. She looks like Nathan Lane in drag and she sounds like Maria Ouspenskaya on Quaaludes. You can't miss her. And when she's not on screen, you won't.

Now, I am not averse to wasting my time on crappy movies. Crappy movies sometimes have some redeeming value. This movie had none. It has nothing, period. I couldn't even get angry at it, it was so bland. I hate it because there's nothing good enough in it to like and nothing bad enough in it to either bemuse or offend me.

This movie has no worth to me. It's not even worth a proper, well-thought-out review. All it deserves is this: pbbbbbt! I want the time I wasted on this movie back, damn it!

This movie is simply and purely an hour and a half too long. The only thing that saved this movie from being a total bomb was Devin Crannell and Lindy Booth. They were extremely talented, but some bits were a little bit more of an improvisation. The movie is really bad so unless you want to kill 90 minutes on a day when there's NOTHING (can't stress that enough) to do, I would watch it.

This movie's only redeeming factor was the fact that it was on TV for free, and that it probably helped the Romanian economy. Other than that, Hallmark needs to re-evaluate this division of their empire, and maybe keep their movies more oriented towards bizarre love affairs between cancer-stricken hemophiliacs in Mississippi. To go into details about how mindless this movie is would give credit to it for being memorable. It wasn't. I remember the act of watching it, there being vampires (some of them teenage) and some very bad dubbing. Whoever worked on the dubbing track of this movie needs to be relocated to another sector of society...maybe food service, to the deaf. If you have the opportunity, watch this movie, just because it makes so many other really bad movies seem Oscar-worthy in retrospect. Then again, if you actually ended up at this movie's profile, I imagine that it may be too late...

I stumbled upon "Teenage Space Vampires" on Netflix, and with a title such as this, I had to sit down and watch it, of course. And yeah, I knew that this was most likely going to be a stinker. But I still watched it on the odd chance that it might actually turn out to be a campy gem.

It wasn't!

This movie was horrible. The storyline was laughable at best, and there were so many things throughout the course of the movie that made little or no coherent sense at all. Sure, I wasn't expecting a thespian story here, but come on, this was just insulting to the audience.

The cast in the movie was actually adequate, just a shame that they had such an atrocious script and plot to work with. So the storyline served as an inhibitor around the ankles of the performers, effectively holding them back in a less than mediocre gutter.

The special effects in the movie were not even remotely great, taking into consideration that the movie was made in 1999. The special effects were mediocre and the make-up on the creatures was on one hand alright, but on the other hand horrible. The part where it was alright is that it looked interesting enough. The bad aspect to it was the fact that they opted to only put the make-up on the faces of the performers, leaving the rest of the body untouched by similar make-up and prosthetic. That was just laughable.

I dozed off once during the movie, because it was such a prolonged movie with a storyline that had next to no appeal at all. I did manage to endure the movie to the very end, and I can in all honesty say that I will never return to watch "Teenage Space Vampires" a second time.