Alien Blood

This movie is awful. I bought in thinking I would get a cool alien/vampire/slasher/Tromaesk/horror flick. But by the Zeuz' beard, this sucks. I was so disappointed, not even a couple of pairs of breasts could soothe the pain. The story's crap and the acting is way below pari. Yes, some of the camera-work isn't all that bad, but it sure as hell don't save this garbage. £3,99 is at least £3,99 too much. I don't really have anything more to say about this tripe, but I'm obliged to write at least ten lines.

In the words of the review of Spinal TAp's Shark sandwich: Sh** sandwich. 'nuff said

This is a weird, weird film. It's the last day of the millennium, and MIBs are chasing two women and two kids through the Lake District, only these folk are really aliens and MIBs have to catch them before the dawn of the new millennium, I think. After a few gunfights they end up at the house of James Dracula and some other vampires, who are having a millennium party. Oh, and there's a psychic and one of the aliens is pregnant.

At first, this ultra-low budget film plays out like a crappy Matrix style alien chase film with very arty pretensions (loads of standing around looking wistful) and some pretty awful martial arts and bad acting. Once we get to the vampire's house, the film decides to turn into some sort of sex comedy for a while, with Dracula creeping about the house having his advances rebuffed by various female vampires. Not a lick of this makes any sense but once the alien turns up and kills Dracula, the rest of the vampires gang together to take on the MIBs, who attack the house en masse (save for one vampire, who turns out to be the brother of the leader of the MIBs). If there was an explanation for any of this, I may have missed it between dozing during the arty, slow motion poignant shots of people staring at each other for minutes at a time while candles flickered in the foreground.

You've got bagpipe players, jugglers, lustful farmers, French speaking aliens, Dracula, references to a 'fuel curfew', really, truly dire CGI (nearly forgot to mention that !) and the result is a truly head scratching film that raises so many questions that you're neighbours will think you've gone crazy while you're screaming "Why?" at the television over and over again.

Is it enjoyable though? For those looking for the weird and obscure, it's worth a shot. For sci-fi fans I wouldn't touch this with a bargepole. I kind of enjoyed it for it's weirdness factor, but I couldn't make head nor tail of the quirky premises the film was throwing at me. It did have plenty of nudity and gore in it if that's your thing. Be warned though: This is by no means a good film. Watch out during the house attack sequence for how many times they recycle footage of the MIBs running around. They use one shot about ten times!

I do understand it was on a budget, £5 or there abouts, but anyone could tell a story better than this. The film is badly put together and is almost a perfect example of how not to make a film. I thought the music was quite good though! Its a 3 4 £5 job in your nearest newsagent at best and thats being kind. I started getting a headache after 10 mins into the film. My house mate said he couldn't watch any more after 10 minutes also. This film gives hope to all budding film makers anywhere, if this can be released anything can. If you watch this film without the urge to fast forward you are a better man then I. I'm sure the 18 certificate is the only reason anyone picked it off a shelf in the first place.

I bought this film on Play.com having read nothing but the summary.

Vampires, aliens, lesbo-love, splatter and gore. Sounded like a great b-flick/Troma-type movie. But it was too good to be true. The movie sucked *ss. The only credit I wanna give is to a few of the out-door shots. Some of the color use is nicely done. Otherwise: Crappy story that barely makes sense, terrible lesbo action, little gore, long ffw-sequences with people staring at the horizon. Jokes that aren't funny. Terrible music. Ugly actors.

Urk. I can't believe I wasted £3.33 on that piece of junk.

Since I use a rental service that bills me monthly no matter how many movies I take out, ALIEN BLOOD cost me essentially only the time I spent watching it. Fortunately the fast forward button puts this expenditure entirely under my control. When confronted with a film like this, i.e. a cinematic shipwreck, I take one of two paths. I can hit the eject button as soon as I know what's up, or I can examine the movie the way I examine old barns and attics, looking for something nice in all the clutter. There were indeed a few pretty trinkets in this movie. Some of the exterior shots of the English countryside are wonderful; I snatched them out of the picture and saved them as graphic files. One of these days I'll run them through Photoshop and turn them into very decent landscape art for my den. If you don't like landscapes, though, give this picture a miss; if it's moving in this film, it's ridiculous.