Velvet Smooth

I have never seen such an atrocious looking film with an equally atrocious soundtrack before. A film with the most horrible fight choreography ever depicted and a spiral staircase that obviously went nowhere! That is what we get in Velvet Smooth, a film that tries to be too clever in terms of twists while probably telling the actors to just have fun with it as far as the fight scenes go.

The story, some guys are beating up and stealing from businesses involved in illegal numbers. They belong to a crime guy called King. There is also a dude who has a casino, but I forgot his name. Well King needs to find out who is behind the string of crimes so he gets Velvet Smooth and her lady friends who can unrealistically beat down a superior number of men in masks with karate that is worse than that of the Guy From Harlem. They have to track down the guy behind the masked attackers and get in some loving while pretending the spiral staircase in her apartment leads to a bedroom when it is obvious it goes nowhere.

The actors are horrible, the plot is horrible and the martial arts (if that is what you want to call it) is horrible. I began wondering if this thing were maybe a spoof made at a later date and made to look older when the strange dying screeching music began playing during the fight scenes and that one dude yelled on the roof, but alas, no, not meant to be a spoof.

So, I have seen this and The Guy From Harlem and both are bad, but this one was worse to me. My ears still bleed due to the screeching music. The Guy From Harlem had a more straightforward plot, while this one was all over the place. I saw it coming though, I knew it was going to be an "Aha, I'm the real culprit" type ending. So, it fails to surprise even with all the misdirection and the horrible decor to try and distract you!

Mega-gangster King Lathrop (Owen Watson) is being hit, and hit hard. Somebody's moving in on his action, and roughing up his customers. King calls in VELVET SMOOTH (Johnnie Hill) to make things happen. Ms. Smooth gets her crew together, including Frankie (Rene Van Clief).

Let the throw-down showdown begin!

See! A dozen masked thugs karate kicked to near extinction!

Watch! As their manhood is put into critical condition!

Velvet and Frankie are taking out the trash!

VELVET SMOOTH is another "urban" crime-thriller from the 1970's. While it's not at the bottom of the barrel, it's certainly no COFFY or CLEOPATRA JONES, either. It does have that funky 70's charm going on.

Yes, Ms. Hill speaks as though she's still rehearsing her lines, but hey! She's awesome! Looking good in red! Especially when she's kicking major felonious buttocks! Sure, the fight choreography is a bit south of TNT JACKSON, but hey! Velvet is Smooooth! Even when the microphone is in plain view, like a character in itself!

Right on!

EXTRA POINTS FOR: The theme song! "Outta Sight" doesn't even begin to describe it!...

This little known film is worthy of seeking out . So o.k the production values are limited and the walls move when they close doors , but don't yours ? Our heroine is the foxy detective who is trying to find out who is breaking in to a local drug tzars turf , with plot lines skipping all over the place she soon learns not to trust anyone .. why was she hired in the first place..whats the alteria motive of the gang leader. Velvet soon discovers the truth and unleashes a whole can of "whoop ass" on the hapless baddies. Its not the best but its a hell of a lot better than the worst , and our leading lady..whoa !

Somebody's running a takeover on crime lord King Lathrop's operation using goons in nondescript full-face masks. Clueless, King Lathrop calls private detective Velvet Smooth (Johnnie Hill) for help. With the help of her friends Ria, a lawyer, and Frankie, she infiltrates the criminal underworld to investigate.

The title song is completely laughable. It's a grade F rip off of Bond theme songs. The print I streamed was just the worst. Filled with emulsion scratch lines and something I've never seen before -- red emulsion dots raining down on the movie. It was like the movie was screen through a bucket of sand!

Anyway the acting is horrible. This is pure grindhouse. Velvet is sort of a poor man's Pam Grier but she's the worst actress on Earth.

The street scenes are clearly filmed without permits. Ordinary people on the street seemed to think this was real! Mostly in the Cobble Hill section of Brooklyn.

It's really a minor player in the Blaxploitation film genre. Don't let it be your first foray into the mix. It will turn you off to the others that are way better.

This is one of the weaker Blaxploitation films made in the 70's. Production value? Well, I have seen student films with better attention to detail. The acting is not any better. The music isn't too bad and unfortunately one of the only good things about this film.

If you are dedicated to the Genre, then you have to see it. Otherwise you aren't going to miss anything. They took the formula approach and it shows. You can't take any of these movies too seriously, but you can pass on this one.

See: Three the Hardway, Blackula, Superfly, Shaft or Detroit 9000.