Valentine's Day

This is on video under the title The Protector. The other reviewers are maybe a bit hard on this one, it's not bad for a TV flick, worth a few rental bucks if you like to see mob action (Ben Gazara is a pretty good aging mob boss), Randy Quaid is his usual self, Peebles is trying to be intense, and he's a good match for Stallone :-) . It's a step above the other recent mob movie Prisoner of Love, and the earlier one Montana. -Bob

So uninteresting that I watched it for just two weeks and I don't even remember making this assessment... Irrelevant...

I had to cut this movie some slack when I realized that it was a TV movie. Then I smartened up and thought they deserve what they get. This momentary lapse was perhaps caused by a vague bias towards Mario Van Pebbles. Its a bit of a shame he can't can't act any better. The movie is a cop-mob movie not an action movie. It has a couple of sex scenes which are fairly explicit, to distract you from the mediocre nature of the movie. While the makers didn't do a great job, they didn't screw anything up either. They played it safe.

Don't be suckered by the artwork on the box; although the movie announces it's an "action" movie, 99% of the movie is action-free. It's a boring honest-cop/corrupt-cop/mafia story, with no likable or interesting characters. Actually, a lot of movie rips off BASIC INSTINCT, though interestingly, the filmmakers mostly just rip-off the non-erotic scenes from that movie. There are some sex scenes here (one quite explicit), but they aren't erotic; in fact, they are frequently unintentionally funny. Film also suffers from bursts of rapid and incomprehensible editing, and a "twist" ending that you'll see a mile away. And a real bland title ("Protector" - though better, I guess than the original title "Valentine's Day", which remains in the closing credits.) In short, this movie is for nobody, unless you want to see Randy Quaid with a shaved head.

I like to exercise early in the morning on an exercycle, and I keep my mind off the time by watching a tension-filled movie. At 5 am, there are few good choices. This morning I watched Valentine's Day, and discovered that what little tension exists in this movie is the uncertainty about how bad it will get.

Everyone in this movie seems to be dialing in their performances from Cliché Central except for the lead actress (which isn't Rae Dawn Chong, despite the billing on the poster and HBO). She is truly terrible -- she sounds drunk and/or stoned while giving monotone readings of her lines. Despite her extensive nude scenes with Mario Van Peebles, she fails to generate any energy at all. Simply put, she's boring as hell on screen.

The story concept may have been interesting in the hands of a better writer, but where Someone To Watch Over Me managed to squeeze some entertainment, VD simply paints by the numbers. Randy Quaid's snarl isn't enough to inject life into this dog. Don't bother unless you have insomnia and are desperate for the cure.