The Item

i can honestly say this movie has haunted me since the night i watched it 11 years ago when i was 9 yrs old. my mother would often rent me and my little brother movies, particularly horror films, and then would obviously leave us alone to watch them while she went about her business. So as you can imagine, me and my brother were very confused at what exactly we were viewing, me being 9 him 7. The scene that is forever burned into my mind was when the girl had some sort of sexual encounter with the giant penis worm alien, who had some sort of penis worm alien tentacle if i recall correctly. Who knows? maybe i created this disturbing memory, or could it be real? i haven't seen the movie since so i don't know the answer. Confused is an understatement. Side note: my mother often just picked a movie according to the cover art without further investigation, so me and my bro always ended up watching some kind of soft core porn as a result, this one being a fonder memory, along with movies that featured topless women answering telephone calls or doing topless detective work on some sort of tropical island resort. fond memories, good childhood.

I admit that when I rented this movie I was consciously searching for bad horror. For the first ten minutes I just stared at the screen in confusion. And then as soon as the shooting started (Alex: "I gotta pee...") I was laughing my ass off. I loved this movie. I loved the symbolism, and I loved the fact that Alex told the artsy chick that her art was obvious (I am not a fan of art, by and large). I thought the actors were stellar, and their performances very nearly made you forget that the "monster" ("monkey?") of the movie was a rather poorly designed puppet covered in vaseline. In films of this budget it is uncommon to find an entire cast that can hold their own. I did adore Alex, but I think Martin was my favorite!!!

This film was ridiculously bad. I think whoever picked it out at the video store merely mistook it for another. First and foremost the film is shot using what appears to be a $20 video camera found by the producers at a Madison, WI Goodwill Store. The massive amounts of fake blood are so overdone its comical. The acting is similar to that of a pornographic film in quality. Any attempt to portray this film as "artsy" or to suggest that I merely missed the ideas and or themes could only come from the pompous holier than thou movie types who sip $38 latte's and read crappy modern poetry in an attempt to look smart in their black berets.

This movie has to be the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. This movie is the definition of B-Movie's It's horrible, and not even funny horrible! Some films your just like wow that was so bad it's funny, but no, with this movie your like, wow that was so bad it makes me want to rip out and swollow my own eyes. Even though it is the worst movie ever made you should still watch it, just to be able to say I have seen the most HORRIBLE movie ever created!

Thats all I have to say! Bye

hor·ri·ble Pronunciation Key (hôr-bl, hr-) adj. 1. Arousing or tending to arouse horror; dreadful: `War is beyond all words horrible' (Winston S. Churchill). 2. Very unpleasant; disagreeable. 3. The movie "The Item"

The experience of watching this movie is akin to watching a train wreck and loathing yourself for the indulgence afterward.

There's virtually nothing redeeming that I can say about this exercise in cinematic excrement.

Correction, there IS one. While perhaps not the worst movie ever made - so long as Battlefield Earth is still in circulation - this movie is DEFINITELY the worst digital-video-transferred-to-film flick yet to come down the pipe (notice the sewer analogy there).

Simply put, the film is a mess. It reeks of pretentiousness, is chock full of bad acting (and after watching it I really don't know or care if the acting was intentionally bad or just naturally so), terrible writing and a completely lame and pointless plot.

The real villains of this film are Artisan, the same company that brought the Blair Witch Project to cinema screens.

These jokers have pulled every lie and deceptive marketing trick in the book in packaging this travesty.

To begin, there's the box cover art, followed by the plot outline on the back. Taken together one is led to believe that the film is a grade B thriller with an interesting story premise.

WRONG!

If only it were that. Instead of a simple yet crackerjack story about four people who act as go-betweens in the purchase of a strange creature locked in a box, we are treated to gobbledygook that involves copious and ludicrous gunplay, a battle to the death with ninja transvestites, and a creature that looks like a modified Doc Johnson sex toy that psychoanalyses its victims to death.

There is only one way to get anything remotely resembling payback on your rental investment, not to mention the 90 minutes of your life that it will end up wasting, and that is to watch it with some friends where you can mock the thing to scorn. Just make sure there aren't any bricks handy as someone might very well be tempted to lob one at the TV fairly early on.