Bodywork

Another weak and contrived Brit' crime drama with comedy aspirations as a group of characters sit in a white room and recall the incidents that led to them coming together starting with the sale of a dodgy motor...

No performance on earth can save what is basically a poorly developed script.

Distinctly unsatisfying.

"Don't judge a book by its cover." We've all heard that phrase before, and if ever that tried and true proverb needs uttering it's when discussing Gareth Rhys Jones' 1999 directorial debut, Bodywork. I don't know if it was Lions Gate or Avalanche Video who picked the horrendous cover art for this disc, but whoever it was should be taken out back and poked repeatedly with a sharp stick Bodywork has more in common with the quirky storytelling of Guy Ritchie's Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels than anything, and I'm not even sure who those people are on the cover. It looks like the two stars, but there is not a scene anywhere in the film that remotely resembles that shot.

Rhys Jones, who also wrote the screenplay, does a fine job of keeping the quirkiness factor pretty high without becoming too over the top. Much of the plot centres around some genuinely comic sequences, and as such doesn't necessarily come across as particularly true to life. However, like Ritchie, Rhys Jones can present a series of tragic and comic events together in such a way as to make it entertaining, and that works for me. An unexpected murder caused by Q-tips occurs near the film's conclusion, and that is a good representation of some of the typically left-of-centre elements Rhys Jones puts out there. To add to the general tone of strangeness, there are brief moments inter-cut throughout the story where the characters, seated in some antiseptic all-white room, are discussing their relationship with Virgil, and we're not sure until the end (and maybe even then) where they are, or if he is dead or alive. Not as gritty or violent as Ritchie's work, Bodywork does still have a nice mix of eccentric secondary characters that make this film a lot of fun. The late Charlotte Coleman (Four Weddings And A Funeral) is the elfishly cute car thief Tiffany Shades, who is partnered with the wiry crook Legal (Simon Gregor). Peter Moreton, as the son of the unscrupulous car dealer, is one of those comically violent types that always seem on the verge of exploding into a rage. The two investigators, exasperated Scot Sgt. Billy Hunch (Clive Russell) and gun happy Det. Danny Sparks (Grahame Fox) are a couple of extremely funny characters, and I wish these two would have had more screen time.

Basically LOCK, STOCK, AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS meets TRAINSPOTTING. And as labored as that combination sounds -- and the film does suffer from numerous forced moments -- there are some genuine instances of under-your-skin verve and inventiveness . especially a particularly gruesome homicide facilitated by Q-Tips. Not pretty. And the lead actor, a cross between Brad Pitt and Ewan McGregor, is guaranteed to make teenage girls everywhere salivate, presuming he ever works again.

Contains some spoilage

I have never seen a film made from such a bad screenplay. Never. First drafts are often shot in the UK but Bodywork's script isn't nearly competent enough to be called a first draft.

I've tried to make excuses for Gareth Rhys Jones. Perhaps he couldn't afford screenwriting courses or books - or Internet access to get free courses and books on the web. But when it comes down to it there is no excuse.

The script has so many flaws that it would be easier to list what it gets right rather than list all that's wrong. On the plus side the characters are distinctive and the hero undergoes a change. That's it. Unfortunately the characters and the hero's change are still shockingly unrealistic and badly done.

The film is promoted as being about someone being framed for murder. If you wanted to get rid of Virgil would you a) kill Virgil or b) kill an innocent stranger instead and frame Virgil for the murder so he goes to prison? The entire world chooses a) but Rhys Jones chooses b). Just when you're trying to work out why the antagonist would do something like that he's been killed. Does this set the movie off in a radical new direction? Not exactly. He was killed by a new antagonist doing exactly the same thing - killing people to incriminate our hero. (Although revealingly on the official website Rhys Jones calls this new killer a 'protagonist')

When we find out who the baddie is and they're asked why they did it - they say "because I can". That's it. That's the reason. That's how little Rhys Jones cares about his audience.

The one thing that can help save a badly plotted film is the dialogue but even that is beyond awful. It's dull and on-the-nose and sometimes very embarrassing especially in the "white room" - where we flashback from - as the characters talk about their relationship with the hero.

Screenwriting of such low standards doesn't deserve the quality cast it managed to attract and it certainly doesn't deserve an audience. The only people who should see this film are casting agents.

What we have here is yet another undercooked look at criminals in the UK. There is plenty of killing but, hey, it's all okay because just about everyone with a gun is really a good person with a nifty sense of humor. I was especially appalled by the gratuitous murder of a carefree young Buddhist woman. Real nice.

Hans Matheson plays our hero Virgil Guppy. He's pretty bland in the role and his transformation into a confident and cunning crook didn't convince me for a moment. Anyway, the story goes something like this. Virgil buys a Jaguar from a used car dealer. The car breaks down after only 4 miles and he wants his money back. The guy who owns the dealership actually obtains his cars from an auto theft ring and he doesn't like people trying to tell him what to do.

Next thing you know, our hero has been framed for the murder of a prostitute and he now needs to find out who the real killer is before he's locked away.

Virgil ends up getting hit by a car which is driven by Tiffany, played by the marvelous Charlotte Coleman. Surprise of surprises, she steals cars for a living and often deals with the guy who owns the aforementioned dealership. Well, that guy is soon murdered and the bodies keep piling up.

I guess if you're into the whole humorous British petty (or not so petty) criminal genre then you won't be offended by anything you see here. It's all rather tame and except for the Buddhist's murder there is nothing shocking. The humor is, of course, quite dry and draws the occasional laugh. Charlotte Coleman is the stand out performance here. She is at once strong, charming, determined, touching and beautiful. Her character is the only one the viewer actually cares about and she showed what a stunning actress she truly was.

When the true murderer is revealed, it is disappointing to say the least when their motive is given. "Because I can." That should give you an idea of just how much thought went into this screenplay. I was mildly entertained but nothing more. 3/10