The Astrologer

"Suicide Cult" has to be seen to be believed.This utterly strange,ludicrous and somewhat fascinating pile of trash mixes astrology,CIA intrigue,Jim Jones-type mass murder and the second coming of Jesus Christ.So the Second Coming of Messiah is about to begin in ten days.There is also a secret branch of CIA called Interzod and the creepy leader of evil sect,who orders his followers to commit mass suicides.It seems also that the blonde girlfriend of the main character Alexei Abarnel is the reincarnation of the Virgin Mary.Extremely bizarre and disjointed horror film made by James "The Exterminator" Glickenhaus.The action is boring and the scenes set in India look very cheaply.5 out of 10.

Also released as SUICIDE CLUB.

Alexei, wealthy astrologer and leader of a secret intelligence agency called Interzod, listens to radio signals from the Crab Nebula and is obsessed with a demonic Indian revolutionary, Kajerste (played with Pan-like creepiness by producer Mark Buntzman).

The Interzod board of directors sit around watching films of mutilated victims whose deaths they "arranged." One of their female agents gets close to Kajerste, only to be murdered during a ritual sex ceremony. Next, a congressman and Alexei's "gal Friday" sneak into Kajerste's jungle camp, intending to sedate him, plant electrodes in his head, and somehow control his actions via TV; the plan goes to hell and they die.

We learn that Kajerste, product of a virgin birth, is also manipulated by unnamed evil forces. A subplot involves Alexei's ditzy wife, who is apparently the reincarnation of the Blessed Mother.

Apart from an unusual scene in which a woman is hypnotized to stab herself to death, this movie is confusing and talky. Director Glickenhaus went on to make his second film, THE EXTERMINATOR (1981), which was a hit. He has a cameo role as a spy who drives a sports car.

It may be me, but I was unable to really grasp the plot or follow the story. The acting to me seemed bland and I truly did not care about the story. However, every time Monica Tidwell is on screen, it gets your attention. Monica Tidwell is beyond breathtaking and is a good actor as well. She is pure eye candy and is the strongest attribute of the movie. Monica Tidwell has a limited acting career and was also a professional model in the 70's. There is something about her that keeps you watching. I am not sure, but besides watching her performance, I think there is a plot in the movie as well. Either way, its worth a watch just for Monica Tidwell.

For the record, there are two films titled "The Astrologer", both released in 1975 and 1976. Both are deliriously bad. The 1976 offering is the product of Craig Denney, an auteur/egomaniac who stars in a film that boasts a script that is either an exercise in stream-of-consciousness screen writing or was conceived during an acid trip or fever dream. Denney himself seems to be a big part of this film's allure, and more can be found on him and his "masterwork" elsewhere on the net. That isn't the film being examined here. The 1975 film, directed by Jon Glickenhaus, is its own special brand of bad.

I watched this on Tubi, a service that seems to have a tendency to edit prints of horror/sci-fi films. This may be the case with "The Astrologer", but I can't say for certain, as I have no desire to seek out an uncut version. After watching enough movies--good or competent movies, that is--you instinctively know when a movie isn't up to parr. Movies that aren't show their seams, and this one has its seams showing all over the place. Copious narration that gives lengthy exposition dumps, captions that label the time and date of specific scenes, jarring jumps to different locales, and other technical things that make you suspect various people put their shovels in to edit this mess into their concept of what it should be. One thing that indicates an amateurish/inept production is the heavy use of dubbing. Most all of the secondary or minor characters are dubbed--this is glaringly evident in the scene in which the female lead, played by Monica Tidwell, visits a fortune teller, and again in the dinner scene in which leads Tidwell and Bill Byrd visit a colleague of Byrd's. Interestingly, the one actor who isn't dubbed--but should have been--was Tidwell, whose molasses-thick Louisiana accent is distracting. Tidwell, a former Playboy Playmate, wasn't cast for her vocal talent, as the nude scenes near the end clearly indicate. Casting is another millstone. The self-important subject of the US government using astrology to keep tabs on potential evil threats would, you would think, necessitate casting some name actors to plump up the flick's marquee value, but alas, no. Not even stalwarts like Joseph Cotton, Glen Ford, Donald Pleasance, or Cameron Mitchell could be procured, which speaks volumes about how low budget this thing was--those guys would appear in anything!

Instead, we get Tidwell, as mentioned earlier, Bill Byrd(who?), and the producer, sporting brown body makeup, eyeliner, and a hypnotic stare, sort of looking like a cross between Jesus and Rasputin.

It could be chalked up to a low budget or first-time director, but the whole production looks like a TV series--cheap sets, scenes supposedly set in India but looking like somebody's back yard, and heavy use of stock footage--either a money saving or run time stretching trick, who knows? The film makers also try to shoehorn too much information about government agencies, end-times conspiracies, and the titular astrology into 90 minutes or under 80 minutes, depending on the cut you're viewing. One thing that can be said in this film's favor is that it isn't boring--it lurches from overheated melodrama to exposition dumps to lengthy uses of stock footage to lengthy closeups of the producer as the bad guy to gratuitous gypsy dancing to Monica Tidwell naked. The ultimate question is this: why haven't the crew of RiffTraxx seized on this?

Do you know that feeling when you already sat halfway through a certain movie, and then you suddenly realize you still don't have the slightest clue what it's about or where the plot is heading towards to? I have, and it's usually very frustrating, but for some inexplicable reason, it wasn't too frustrating during "The Astrologer".

This obscure and low-budgeted mid-70s oddity manages to be terribly bad and incomprehensible, and yet strangely compelling all at once! The common sense functions of my brain wanted to stop watching, or at least push the fast-forward button, at several points throughout the movie, but I just couldn't. From what I gather, both a self-acclaimed scientific genius and an evil Indian hypnotist are looking for a girl who shares her exact same time of birth with that of the Virgin Mary, because she's able to conceive the Second Coming. Or something... The scientist found her, and it's the lovely looking Monica Tidwell. He even married the girl but refuses to have sex with her, because immaculate conception needs to take place. Or something...

You should probably look for an accurate plot description elsewhere or try to decipher source novel by John Cameron (not James...). All I can say is that "The Astrologer" is worth seeing for fans of 70s cult/trash, if only for the gratuitous nude sequences of Tidwell (the poor girl even must undress for a fortune telling) and a few random but gory kills. It's also the debut of James Glickenhaus, who would later direct a couple of modest cult horror/action hits like "The Exterminator", "The Soldier" and "McBain".