Masseuse 3

This movie has everything needed to fall asleep: poor acting, disjointed transitions, poor camera angles(see Landon's big feet as she watches the tapes from her bed), patchwork scenes from some other failed movie to fill time, and yes a cop that is even more stupid than dumb and dumber.The worst actor is some black cop who looks like the janitor on the movie set, paying his way to night high school. Landon, a pretty girl, has poor close-ups that shows her face wrinkles. Ok, how's the sex scenes? Mediocre at best as the actors connect the dots to a formula. This gets 2 stars on 10, as one needs to see this to appreciate better made movies.

My god, I'm not sure there will ever be another Ron Lewis. What a fantastic character! When I first saw this movie I thought it was one of the worst I had ever seen. Now I realize that there are lots like this but this one is actually special. Does Ron Lewis ever even move while he's having sex!?! Incredible!

Moviemakers love franchise titles. As convenient shorthand for the viewer, they guarantee a built-in audience. And while mainstream releases usually require some continuity of plot or cast (impossible to imagine `Scream 2' without the survivors from `Scream' and ditto for `Scream 3'), late-night cable audiences are not quite so demanding. There's also an unwillingness to consign a splendid title to one-time use. Who could resist the lure of `Confessions of a Lap Dancer', even if the movie itself was a real stinker?

In `Masseuse 3', we have Landon Hall, ported in from the previous title in the series, playing a Madame providing massage therapy to LA's finest. The problem is that most of the rest of this movie also seems beamed aboard. The early scenes follow a stock two-shot format: strip shows spliced together with reaction shots. The womens' performances run the gamut from banal to inspired but the reaction shots all routinely picture the mutation of Hollywood hunk to lust-crazed goober. Our hero's eyes bulge and his mouth forms a huge cartoon `O', until he looks like a giant tanned carp. There's such a disconnected feel to the format that at one point I checked the wallpaper of the two shots to see if they were the same. An Oscar to the Continuity Department for making sure that the backgrounds match.

We even have some posthumous performances since our hero, fatally shot in mid-movie, tapes his massage sessions for posterity. There's a hot tub session with an enthusiastic redhead who bumps her head against the edge of the pool but gamely humps on. The voluptuous Annette Burger also makes an appearance, providing the only genuinely erotic moments of the movie. These tapes are supposed to be a source of clues for the ensuing homicide investigation but they probably work best to fuel the carnal impulses of the investigating detective and Landon.

Landon's stable is a veritable portfolio of favorites. Taylor St. Claire, fetching in black, has an appealing private dance, although it ends abruptly and inexplicably when she goes topless. Julie Strain breezes in from her duties as reigning Heavy Metal Amazon for one of her trademark sessions. And Shanna McCullough, in a rare crossover performance, looks tanned, trim, and terrific at forty.

Think of it simply as a mediocre art gallery. Some pretty pictures but not much in the way of inspiration. But even with this disappointing installment of the franchise, we're still lining up for `Masseuse 4'. Reminds us of something Samuel Johnson once said about the triumph of hope over experience.

"Masseuse 3" is jam-packed with heavy-breathing sex scenes. Unfortunately, only one of those scenes is original. And it doesn't occur until "Masseuse 3" is about to end. It's between the leads, Landon Hall's Sheila and John Michael Vaughn's Det. Jack Gage. They're terrific together. Sexy as sexy should be. Very good. Very believable in the "Hot! Hot! Hot!" department. (The moans of pleasure emerging from both actors' performances -- especially Vaughn's -- don't seem false.)

However, the rest of this erotic thriller's -- obviously as cheap as a low-budget, direct-to-video flick can get -- is comprised of scenes clipped from an obscure 1994 release. I'm familiar with Ms. Hall's work -- and she once again impresses. Mr. Vaughn, though, seems rather new to the genre -- and he is a welcomed addition, a fresh talent.

If you're going to watch "Masseuse 3," my recommendation is to fast-forward to about an hour and twenty-two minutes. (Very helpful if your VCR can be programmed to do so.) Just in time to see Hall and Vaughn impress. The rest, most certainly, does not.

Although I always appreciate seeing the beautiful Landon Hall, there ia a hardcore porno film with the same title. It is probably one of the very best hardcore films ever made and stars a remarkable porno queen by the name of Chloe Nicol. Her acting ability is far better than Ms. Hall's.

If you are not terribly turned off by hardcore and think it is all just trash, I would recommend it a the "real" Masseuse 3.