Die Hard Dracula

WELL WHAT CAN I SAY?... AWE INSPIRING A TRUE CHICK FLICK, DAVE CLINTON IS A HUNK OF A GUY AND I'm A HETEROSEXUAL ape As well. ANYWAY HES NOT IN THE FILM, THE FILM HOWEVER LEFT ME MENTAL, PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY SCARRED FOR 5 MONTHS, THEN I WAS CURED BUt i am now suffering from insomnia and diahrea only in the morning between 4 and 6.15. the best part of the film was when the credits were rolling at the end it had me on a natural high for at least what i can consider to be about 5 8ths of a donkeys lifespan. but then you have to say, NO this is my life and you cant tell me what to do, I'm a chuck Norris fan, i own you, your but a mere toucan to me, a mere one! but no seriously this film is not funny and in my opinion it should be classed as a video nasty and banned. after viewing the film with my optical sensors and listening with my audio devices that are located on the side of my face i have depicted the true meaning about black pudding. it's just a excuse to put all of the rubbish thats left of a hog into on measly portion of indepence. pooch, shelves, trashcan, elves and mantoes are all a current feature in this movie and i have to say that were a completed waste of time and they have been used far to to many time in these chauvinistic capitalist films about the grime raper. yes thats right the grim raper not grim reaper.

I don't know what to say, I am completely nonplussed. The description for this film makes it seem like it would, if not good, at least be funny. I was completely unprepared for what it turned out to be.

Firstly, there is an issue with the quality of the film. The picture is grainy and blurry, the camera-work is shake, there is lots of background noise in the sound and the special effects look like slide transitions in Powerpoint.

Secondly, the acting is atrocious, so wooden, so stiff, so sub par that you need a submarine to go lower. That they use multiple actors to play Dracula doesn't help either.

Thirdly, the story itself is really bad, like it was conjured up in a coffee break or something cause it feels really badly put together, bad stereotypes replacing characters, and a lot of failed attempts at witty dialog replacing action.

When they finally go up against Dracula with an arsenal of weapons, it is rather funny, but the silliness, bad acting, and shoddy quality takes away the fun. Not to mention, far too much time is spent talking about attacking Dracula as opposed to actually doing it.

Strangely, I did not find this movie as annoying, or as aggravating as I should have given the circumstances.

if i could i would have rated this epic and alluring movie a twelve. it's intense story line compliments the brilliant acting. I thought the set design could have been more intricate but i forgot about it when the dialog was happening. This was sheer brilliance and i highly recommend it. People take these low indie horror film for advantage. The first hint that this movie was going to be a life changing experience was the inspiring title. it intrigued me. When i saw it sitting on the block buster shelf all by it's lonesome i had to grab before anyone else did. I was confused though when i brought to the register and the cashier looked at me funny and began to giggle. i wondered was it because of my purchase or perhaps I'm just funny looking? i figured it was my appearance once i saw he movie. Whoever thought of this was pure genius and i would encourage hen to make a sequel! Please go out and get this movie you won't be disappointed.

Since I'm an actor/director of features with the same kind of lack of budget and understand how hard it is to even get a production completed, I try to find the good points about them. I can only imagine why this one had 3 different actors play Dracula. That alone is a good reason to see this thing! I have to admit, I wasn't sure if the humor was intentional or not because it seemed to come & go, just like the actor's accents. There were a couple of interesting sight gags that actually got me laughing hard, like a flying coffin! Other then that, it had me thinking "What the h___ is this!". If you're a fan of flicks like "Plan 9......" & "Robot Monster", you'll probably want to see this one.

It's hard to even put this in to words. This movie honestly looked like a group of people threw this together in a week using a camcorder. I believe they started off trying to make a serious movie, then tried to make it a comedy when they realized how bad it was, and then failed at making it into a comedy. From what I could gather (Without skipping through) A guys girlfriend drowns, he goes to Europe. Dracula wakes up. People turn into bad acting vampires, and there's a bad ending. European women must be really trusting, because they have no trouble walking up to shrouded, hideously disfigured strangers, completely unarmed. There's all of 2 seconds of female nudity in the film, but believe me, you'd be better off watching "Porky's". God forbid you actually buy this thing like I did. I suppose I should have taken a hint when a new DVD only cost me 5 bucks. This is also one of the only dvd's I've seen that had no menu or scene selection. Even Crummy bootlegs usually give you that much. Please don't think that you can buy this thing just to make fun of it. The bad comedy makes even that joy impossible. Movies like this are the basic reason why independent films are so heavily frowned upon. I'm sure the makers had good intentions, and they probably enjoyed making it. But even Troma films have a certain degree of cheap disgusting charm to them, this one is just soul less.