Road to Revenge

Hey, if you're behind on your cringing, or if you're just feeling out of practice or are a masochist in general, this is the film for you. Makes Christopher Moltisanti's "Cleaver" look like "Citizen Kane." John De Hart makes Steven Seagal look like Ian McKellen in comparison.

A special shoutout to John De Hart (and his various online sock-puppets) for leaving all those 10/10 reviews, lol. Keep reaching for that rainbow, Johnny boy!

This is probably the absolute WORST THING EVER PUT TO FILM! And it's not just BAD BAD...it's God AWFUL HORRIBLE! If you REALLY WANT to lose precious time out of your life,then go ahead and give it a watch. Personally,I would rather slowly drip battery acid into my eyes for 90 minutes...at LEAST I would have felt SOMETHING for an hour and a half! I don't think I have ever seen WORSE ACTING from a lead actor...EVER! And if you want to hear said actor SING...ramming an ice pick into your ears would be more pleasant. Seriously folks...I don't even recommend this dumpster fire of a "movie" to be watched as a "fun time"...you pretty much feel embarrassed for EVERYONE in the "movie" for the entire run time. And if you even can watch it for FREE...I HIGHLY ADVISE you not to. It's THAT BAD.

Toodles.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I fall for the worst of the worst films? Why haven't I learned? Perhaps it is out of boredom that I feel the need to watch dreck like this, for in the changing landscape of media deconstruction, having seen a list of the best films ever made is on par with seeing the absolute worst films ever made. And frankly, the watching of these two wildly divergent areas of influence brings about an equal appreciation for the greatness and awfulness of a film.

Champagne and Bullets (I refuse to call it the generic Road to Revenge) provides all of the things I look forward to in a horrible film. Bad action sequences, terrible dialogue, bad acting and a lack of self awareness from the person fronting the vanity project. John De Hart made a terrible film and we should all acknowledge this, but damn bless his heart for trying. Unlike the modern "auteurs" who try to make terrible films for social media clout, De Hart set out to make something genuine and sincere. This is why projects like The Room, Fateful Findings, Meltdown and Birdemic are so awesome while the fakes who desperately try to be bad always become forgotten. You need to be sincere to make something like this work and pass through the annals of a humongous media landscape.

The story is impossible to follow. I mean, De Hart is a disgraced cop or something and his ex-partner framed him and is now a judge. Also, this ex-partner is the head of a baby killing cult. You tell me. The action sequences are poorly made and edited, for its laughable anyone would consider De Hart a seasoned fighter. And lets talk about the real star of the film...De Hart's wardrobe. Apparently, his spectacular 80s inspired vibe was all from his own closet. I'm sure this was done to save money, but oh boy his clothes are magnificent. I couldn't get enough of the hip-hop cowboy vibe he was pioneering all the way back in 1993. Thank you Mr. De Hart for bringing us into your little world. I'll end on this note...be sure to have friends and snacks because this movie is tough treading. But damn, you have to give the guy and "A" for effort.

This is an excellent movie. From the evil and vile satanist judge Normad, to the charismatic and charming badass of John De Heart. This movie will change you. Perhaps you too will fall for John De Heart. There is some stellar action (that end confrontation always gets me) and twists and turns in every direction. And what can I say that Pitchfork media has surly not said in their review of the soundtrack. The heartfelt ballads and the magical shimey slide will take younin with their sweeping choruses and melodies. Honestly, go watch this movie.

John de Hart wrote, produced, starred, directed, and did the singing and music composition for this "I Love Me" film. And he was a trainwreck at each job, even after 3 reworks. His character is a Mary Sue of course (or whatever the male equivalent is), but ironically when he is onstage at the "bar" singing one of his own songs, he has this cringeworthy "deer in the headlights" look the entire time. Using another of his songs as an overlay also sucks the life and any eroticism out of what should be an exciting scene where the main gets to undress and have fun with a Playboy centerfold. And unlike Neil Breen and Ed Wood films, this movie simply has no charm to create some kind of saving grace. There is no path forward to recommend this in any way.