The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer

This may be the worst TV show ever to make it into a network prime-time slot. It was juvenile, dumb, and just plain not funny. Horny Abe?? A sarcastic black butler??? What were they thinking?????? I honestly think I'd rather sit through a Love Boat marathon than see this wretched refuse again, which is saying quite a lot. I'd love to give it a zero, but you can't--so I'm giving it one star apiece for Chi McBride (Pushing Daisies, Boston Public) and Dann Florek (Law & Order, L.A. Law). They deserved--and got--much better than this. I think this ended the production careers of the creators, and deservedly so. If you really must see it, I think it's on YouTube. But...please don't.

"The Secret Diaries of Desmond Pfieffer" was a television show that, sadly, only lasted for four weeks, during which the show and its premise was constantly derided and mocked by the media and largely ignored by the television viewing public.

True, a sitcom about Abraham Lincoln's sarcastic black butler sounds silly, and it is, but luckily the show carried a sense of self-awareness. Despite one atrocious episode (in which the drunken Ulysses S. Grant faces down his bowling demons) the show 's remaining three were not pitifully stupid, as some folks would have you believe.

The cast was top notch: Chi MacBride (who was Cyrus in Peter Jackson's under-rated "The Frighteners") is simply superb as the title character: A dignified and intelligent overwieght black man, truly a rarity among prime-time role models. Max Baker was the image of perfection as Nibblet, the inbred indentured servant, and Dan Florik was suitable as the Bill Clinton-meets-Gerald Ford Lincoln.

The show isn't perfect, though. Many jokes fall flat, and the woman playing Mrs. Lincoln is quite annoying.

But the show had its moments, as evidenced in the episode in which Desmond, Nibblet, and Lincoln are stranded behind Confederate Lines. Desmond has convinced the Southern soldiers that he is, in fact, a white Confederate spy disguised as a black Northern free slave. One Southerner inquirers, "It must be awfully hard on you to even temporarily go through life as a Negro."

To which Desmond replies "Oh, it hasn't been that bad. I have been able to get a lot more white women!"

It will be missed.

Back in 1998, I was present for the taping of an episode of The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer. Thankfully, I'd managed to block it from memory ever since. But something this evening brought it to mind and, unable to remember the name, I found myself entering "abraham lincoln sitcom" into Google.

Kinda wish I'd let that sleeping dog lie.

I have to say, I don't understand the defense of the show. There are those who will tell you that the show was canceled because it was too controversial. Those people are fooling themselves. The problem wasn't that the show was racially insensitive. The problem wasn't that it was irreverent. The problem wasn't that it was juvenile. The problem wasn't that it was raunchy. It was all of these things, but there are plenty of drop dead funny shows that encompass all of the above.

The problem was that it was painfully, painfully, PAINFULLY unfunny.

You know the scene in Swingers when Mikey just can't put the damn phone down, and with every message you bury your head deeper in your hands, your skin crawls and your stomach churns as you watch this poor guy surrender, bit by bit, every last shred of dignity he's ever possessed? That's how I felt for the cast. Desmond Pfeiffer wasn't broad, ironic or self-aware. That set was where broad, ironic and self-aware went to die. It was beyond unfunny. It was negative funny. All the funny things I'd seen in the month preceding and two months following the taping? Completely negated and rendered unfunny by Desmond Pfeiffer. Rehashing the same old tired, overused, unfunny sex jokes in a different setting doesn't make them fresh and amusing. And it doesn't help matters when the show is convinced -- CONVINCED -- that it's absolutely hysterical.

The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer is the annoying, drunken lout at the party who belts out the one about the farmer's daughters that you've heard at least 127 times (screwing up the punchline, no less), but who's convinced his retelling is a work of comic genius because he's smashed and he's wearing a lampshade on his head. It's not funny. It's just hard to watch.

This was a surprisingly good show. If it just hadn't been so politically correct. It made fun of all the characters except Desmond, the title character. I think that it was good for children because it introduced historical characters in a humorous context. The drunken U.S. Grant was a good example. In showing his weakness for booze young people can understand him as a human being, and not simply a face on a bill. My favorite episode was the one where President Lincoln was engaging in telegraph sex and his messaged were received by a Southern general who wanted to surrender. Upon receiving the telegram the Southern general commented that the North was going to attack and "take me from the rear." Any show which can make a joke like that work deserved a better fate than that which befell this show.

I only saw one or two episodes of this short-lived series, but based on what I saw, I must wonder if the producers intended an American version of the British series "Black Adder". Certainly there seem to be some parallels, especially with the third Black Adder series, set during the reign of Mad King George. The conniving and scheming Mr. Pfeiffer seems awfully much like Mr. Blackadder, while Pfeiffer's man Nibblet and Blackadder's man Baldric share much in common.

What they did not share, unfortunately, was a deeply embedded sense of wit. The buffoonery surrounding Pfeiffer was played far too broadly to remain funny for very long. The most effective clowns are generally those who do not seem to realize their own clownishness. Dann Florek (much better known for roles like that he played in Law and Order) seems to be playing buffoon to a mirror.