L'Arche de Noé

I now know what eternity would be like. This incredible mess occupied four hours I will never get back. My kids wanted to watch it. They liked the animals. I am no Old Testament scholar, but the way the script played fast and loose with the details, was really disappointing. I'm sure all of us remember Lot! He's the guy who left the city of Sodom with his wife. She looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt. I never realized he kept her finger in a jar after that. I also didn't know that he later became a pirate and tried to board the ark. If Noah had gone up the mountain to get the Ten Commandments, I wouldn't have been surprised. You can imagine a screenwriter, trying to adapt about two Bible chapters into a four hour mini-series. Still, with imagination and effort, it could have worked. The characters are ridiculous. This has got to be the lowest that Mary Steenbergen has gone. Her character is a mawkish idiot, spouting 1960's June Cleaver dialogue. Noah, played by John Voight, is a buffoon, and then they have these three sons who shovel dung and complain. Except for Japhet, who is the artist. He sits around and ponders. One of them develops a ventriloquist act and talks to an orange for about an hour. The animals are superimposed using computer graphics but not very well. I know it is a mini-series, but visually it is awful.

Most of the film involves the Noah family sitting around being bored. There is this thing about not putting a rudder on the boat so they are floating around, as if they knew where they were going anyway. The Lord was my favorite. He had this silly conversational voice, somewhat indecisive and flippant, sort of like George Burns. The scene where the whole family goes temporarily insane is when I finally gave up. I am as open minded as the next person, but I'd like to hear some sort of justification for this mess. Was it entirely tongue in cheek? Did I miss the whole point because no-one was supposed to be serious. Oh, well, I am interested to see other comments about this thing.

I know that many others have already complained about the Biblical inaccuracies in this movie, but I might as well add my two cents worth, too. :)

As the title of this review says, "Noah's Ark" is a great movie, but a pathetic retelling of Biblical history. Altho very dramatic and heavy (and quite entertaining), it completely shreds any amount of accuracy. For example...

1) Lot was a descendant of Noah's, not his best friend. They lived hundreds of years apart and never even saw each other.

2) It was Abraham who bargained with God to find 10 righteous people in Sodom and Gomorrah, not Noah.

3) The movie also slaps the divine nature of the Bible in the face. The Bible clearly says that "All scripture is inspired by God", meaning that God wrote the Bible through mortal men. However, if you listen to Noah's wife Naamah, "You can't trust scribbling scribes. They change things. When they're done with the story, it will be as if you weren't even there." (loose quote) So first, we're supposed to believe that Noah and family witnessed the destruction of Sodom, and second, we're supposed to believe the Bible lies about it?

4) Shem, Ham, and Japheth took their WIVES on the Ark, not their GIRLFRIENDS.

5) Noah, his wife, his sons, and their wives, were the only survivors of the Flood. There were no peddlers or pirates.

6) God shut the door to the Ark, not Noah's sons.

7) There was only one window on the Ark, and the odds of them actually being able to move about on deck are slim to none.

8) I read nowhere that it says God assisted with the building of the Ark.

9) I also don't find anything about them going crazy or Noah's sons rebelling.

10) And can someone please show me book, chapter, and verse where God "had to decide" whether or not to drown the Ark?

11) Oh, yes, and God does NOT make mistakes. What is the purpose of having and omniscient being if he's going to make mistakes? This movie has God apologizing to Noah, but in actuality, God did what had to be done and what he KNEW had to be done.

12) And finally, God did not promise Noah that he would never destroy the Earth again, he promised he would never destroy the Earth by WATER again. It says later on in the Bible that when Christ returns to escort us to the Judgement Day, the world will be consumed with fire. So yes, the Earth WILL be destroyed a second time, just not in the same method.

There are many smaller discrepancies, but these are the major ones. I fully understand that some things would have to be "amended" for a film version of the Ark, such as giving first names to Noah's wife and his daughters-in-law, but this movie far exceeds any legitimate speculation. Like I said in the beginning, this is a good movie for someone who just wants to be entertained, but if you're looking for a vast store of Bible knowledge, look somewhere else.

After struggling for an hour and 45 minutes (including many commercials,) I concluded that this theological hodge-podge coupled with "B" movie Hollywood "glitz" was insulting my intelligence, plain inane, and boring. Jon Voight was much more exciting in Midnight Cowboy, Coming Home and Deliverance.

I hope we have seen the last of this one and the producers will not waste their time producing a video for sale and rent.

I must admit that the animal computer simulations were extremely well done and thoroughly enjoyed by my four year old grandson!

> The following is a copy I wrote to NBC.com on Sunday evening: > Re: Noah's Ark: > "We're watching Part I. This script has Noah engaging in a dialog with God > about not finding ten righteous people in Sodom. This event occurred in > Genesis 18:32, over 300 years AFTER Noah's death and was between ABRAHAM and > God, NOT Noah and God. Ham also made a statement referring to God's laws; > humankind wasn't aware of living by God's laws until Moses was given the law > on Mt. Sinai 1,111 years AFTER Ham was, as he looks to be in this movie, > about 10 years old. If the intention of this movie by Hollywood script > writer's and directors was to seriously alter the facts, so far they have > done a tremendous job. My ten year old daughter, who knows the Bible, is > sitting here watching this, and she is totally confused." As an added > comment, after I sent the original e mail, the movie shows the remaining > material for the ark appearing one morning...all structural lumber. I was > surprised that Norm Abram, didn't show up to help with the construction and > Bob Vila to try to do whatever he does... > Come on folks, what are you doing? >

This was on the children's shelf at our local video store. BIG mistake; there's enough violence in this to give an adult nightmares, let alone a child, and more sexual references than I'd care to explain to my innocent six year old. We did a lot of fast forwarding in the beginning.

That said, even as an adult movie, this is a completely unredeemable film. The script is stupid, and the story is so twisted and convoluted that it would hardly be recognizable as a Bible story at all if it weren't for the big boat and the pairs of animals. If they wanted to do a Sodom and Gomorrah movie (not that I think that would go over well in today's political climate, but I'd like to see it anyway), they could have done one, and not tried to throw that event (which was a good thousand years, at least, after Noah's Flood) in with the flood. The script is tasteless and stupid, the acting (especially by Mary Steenburgen) is wooden. Even the scene with the animals, which is prettily-enough done, isn't enough to make this a movie worth watching. Give this one a miss, and definitely DO NOT get it for your kids.