Panzer division

War film logic dictates that both Americans, Germans and the occupied French will all understand each other while speaking fluent Americanese. With this kind of co-operation, why was there ever a war in the first place? Possibly to inspire no-budget tank operas like Battle Of The Last Panzer. It's the tale of a doomed Panzer squad led by the clearly-insane Lieutenant Hunter (played by Italian actor Stan Cooper, real name Stelvio Rosi). His men know the war is over and are on the brink of mutiny, but Hunter, who spends most of the film with his shirt off and practicing his strange full-facial style of overacting, is determined to see his mission through to the last man standing. They bulldoze their way into a tiny French village and capture the sycophantic mayor and his less-than-impressed wife Jeanette, who despises weakness and sees something sexy in Hunter's bullish macho destructive determination.

Played by German actress Erna Schürer who spent most of the Seventies in more sleazy Italian fare such as Strip Nude For Your Killer and Deported Women of the SS Special Section, Jeanette willingly volunteers to become their tour guide, supposedly to save her husband, but after a while trapped in a tank full of sweating, leering Germans her motives are quite clear, showing off her flesh and playing the affections of one soldier against the other. At one point, Hunter peers up her skirt and says "Pull up into the underbrush and park!" Jawohl, mein herr.

Unlike spaghetti westerns, the Italian war cycle was far shorter, much less prolific, and produced no stand-alone genre classics, least of all this one. But Battle Of The Last Panzer from 1969 has the look and feel and musical score of a spaghetti western from the same era - transpose Confederates versus Yankees on top of the WW2 players, substitute a war wagon for the Panzer tank, and gatlings for submachine guns, and you have a Sergio Leone movie. A rough as guts Leone at a third of the running time, one-fiftieth of the cost and with a script rewritten buy a team of monkeys on typewriters, but a Leone film nonetheless. And with a cool red-tinted spaghetti western style shootout at the end, it's worth sitting through this interesting yet deeply flawed Italian-Spanish poverty-row production. So gather the troops and fire up the Tiger for another excursion into enemy territory courtesy of the losing side: the Italian war epic Battle Of The Last Panzer.

Contender for the worst film ever made!

I saw this movie for the first time at the recommendation of a friend. He warned me it would be painful to watch, but I had no idea how painful it would turn out to be.

This film (the English version I saw is entitled "Battle of the Last Panzer") is intended as a WWII epic depicting the struggle of a German tank crew, caught behind enemy lines, trying to get themselves and their vehicle back to German-held territory.

Other than that, I will make no attempt to describe the insanely fragmented and incoherent plot - you simply have to see it for yourselves!

Everything about this movie is just plain bad -- the plot, the dialog, the setting, the special effects, the equipment and uniforms, and the acting.

The star of the show is the Lieutenant in command of the crew (capital letters indicate emphasis):

"Any attempt at disobedience, or talk of desertion ... will be punished by DEATH!"

"As the Fuehrer said ... Those who are not with us ... are AGAINST us!"

"You have one minute, no more, to throw down your arms and get out of sight! After that minute, I'll advance -- RAPID FIRE!"

The film is supposed to be set in France, after the D-Day invasion. But in place of the lush green fields of Normandy, the landscape is arid and looks like Sicily or the south of Spain.

The uniforms are the best! "Americans" wearing Italian uniforms, complete with Italian rank and helmets. The weapons they are carrying are modern G3 assault rifles. The "Germans" are no better - they are carrying Italian-made Baretta submachineguns and pistols! Last but not least, their "Tiger" tank is an old US M-48 tank.

Writing these comments is proving to be almost as painful as watching the film. However, it's a must see. If you want a real shock, watch it right after "Saving Private Ryan" or "Band of Brothers" and you'll find out just how bad bad can be!

World War II movies are my forte and I am well-versed in military history as well as time-period accoutrements. I have seen some bad Second World War flicks in my time, but this "thing" of a picture, this blasphemous abomination, sure cuts the cake! Besides lacking talent, creativity and a determination for a little historical research, the guy who directed this film had to have sympathies with Nazi ideals. First, it was shocking to see the French Resistance portrayed as a roguish band of buffoons headed by an equally idiotic and boisterous leader; a smack in the face to the brave, witty Maquis who courageously resisted the German occupation of their homeland. Secondly,the film is saturated with bad acting, senseless dialog, contemporary uniforms,weaponry and vehicles (check out the "U.S. troops" wearing Spanish Army camouflage uniforms, helmets - which are a direct copy of the old German M1944, poorly concealed by helmet covers and brandishing CETMEs -Spanish copies of the G3 7.62mm automatic rifles). The "Tiger" is clearly a Spanish Army-issue M-48! Need I go on? Rent, but do not buy, this movie. The insatiable stupidity will make you laugh and cry..and laugh again; yes, it's that bad!!!

I almost turned this movie off during the first 10 minutes. I decided to continue watching it to see if there really was a plot buried amidst all of the other shortcomings of the film. There are several things that you should know that are bound to annoy the typical war movie viewer. 1. Stupid music. Some of the worst I have ever heard. It reminds me of the old spaghetti westerns. 2. It's a dubbed movie. I'm not a fan of movies that are dubbed, i'd rather watch them in the language they were shot in and read captions. In this case, it's worse because the Americans and the Germans are both dubbed and have no accents what-so-ever. In some really dark scenes, you don't know if you are watching the Germans or the Americans. 3. Authenticity. There are so many inconsistencies with weaponry, uniforms etc that it's hard to tell who is who and who they are shooting at. Even the Germans shoot at the other Germans who are hiding behind a tank early in the movie yet, Later, in pitch black one of the men can identify the Lieutenant from 1/4 of a mile away as he walks down a hillside. 4. Dialogue. War movies are about war. Guns, explosions and people fighting. There are some really odd cut scenes. There is one with a prostitute where a soldier trying to teach her about humanities indecency - she's not interested, she just wants the $64 dollars. Most of the dialog reminds me of watching Japanese Anime.

If you watched it this far, you might as well know that it doesn't get any better. All of the actors have perfected rolling down hills as they die. Apparently gravity always pulls you towards a camera man, never away.

All in all, a complete waste of time. Unless you are just looking for a movie with cheesy dialog, there's ALWAYS something better than this to watch.

This one could have easily been called LITTLE LOST PANZER ON THE RANGE, and is a nearly brain dead but nonetheless enjoyable Spaghetti Western masquerading as a war thriller. Since Spaghetti Westerns are essentially cartoons for grown-ups, I can see how BATTLE OF THE LAST PANZER has confused many viewers into thinking it a failure. There are no "good guys" in this movie (a quality shared with Spaghetti), but there are no real "bad guys" either, which is perhaps the movie's biggest flaw -- it's hard to figure out whom exactly one should be rooting for, but one of the characters helpfully states straight out the movie's agenda: There are no good or bad nations, only good or bad men. A worthy and romantic conclusion to be sure but in direct conflict with the traditional role that Germans play in mainstream WW2 movies, which is to be the villains. Just ask Steven Spielberg.

So like Umberto Lenzi's DESERT COMMANDOS, here is a low budget pre- DAS BOOT war movie that asks us to consider the German soldiers as people with the same kind of good/bad dualities that exist within even the most noble of us. "Stan Cooper" plays a more or less straight-laced young German Lt. in command of what is portrayed as the last functioning Panzer tank still fighting World War II, cut off from German lines after a devastating ambush knocks out all of the other Panzers in his column retreating from Normandy after the allied D-Day invasion, the German war effort obviously lost beyond any hope & the Nazis in a near panic as defeat looms. The majority of the film depicts Cooper and his crew roaming the faux-French countryside -- which will look eerily familiar to anyone who has seen at least three Spaghetti Westerns, since most were filmed on the same Spanish exterior locations -- encountering various indigenous locals, fighting off allied elements, and contemplating the meaning of service, loyalty, the value of life, and the price of failure to follow orders. The usual stuff, competently staged & filmed by true professionals. Whether or not the tanks or other equipment used are historically accurate is irrelevant: get over it. This is a well made movie, even if incredibly stupid if you stop to think about it.

Regardless, all of that works pretty well until the film stumbles when the element of a woman is arbitrarily interjected, and Cooper finds himself falling in love with a hostage (blond Erna Schürer, a classic beauty in every sense of the term) who has volunteered to lead the wayward tank crew back to German lines. Skirmishes with odd looking war surplus garbed Partisans and headline Gringo star Guy Madison's ineffectual American brigade kill time and raise the body count, punctuated by a fascinating combat sequence where director Jose Luis Merino -- best known for his Gothic Horror thrillers -- colors his film with nearly opaque red and blue filters. Another interesting moment comes when Cooper is allowed access to the body of his new lust-thang and the thought of his men, his mission, and the danger they are in causes a certain amount of post traumatic stress disorder coitus interruptus, much to the annoyance of his would be squeeze. The romance subplot is perhaps the film's other major flaw but it does allow for some dimension to be added to the character of this zealous, ultra-loyal German officer and leads to the eventual cracking of his surface to let some of the humanity come through.

But the ending is almost an unforgivable cop-out, a seemingly arbitrary "War Is Hell" moment added to show viewers the futility of it all, in case we missed the point on our own & were having fun. In the end Merino's message seems to be that war isn't fun but it can be entertaining for others to watch, especially if you can get your hands on a big, cool looking working tank, a pretty girl or two and some moments of choreographed destruction. The final tank battle is actually very reminiscent of a show down on the streets of a dusty Western town between the hero & the villain, and Merino chose to have the two tanks be identical to sort of tell us that one is just like the other, like Radio Raheem's LOVE and HATE knuckle dusters from DO THE RIGHT THING. It's not the most profound insight into human character ever to pop up in a war movie, but in this case it will have to do.

All in all the movie goes on for about 10 minutes longer than it should have, and while the story is involving for sure it never really resonates on the emotional level that the subject matter would usually endow on a film. So it really is almost a pure example of how the Euro cult genre directors re-tooled their Spaghetti Western approach to ape war movies for the brief period of time (1968 to 1970 or so) that this strange little "Euro War" genre was all the rage, and stands as an instructive example of the process at work. Fans of the Euro B-movie scene from the 1960's/1970's will be well served by taking a look, but anyone in search of a history lesson might want to just see what's on the History Channel. That's not what these movies were made for, and holding it accountable for failing to rise to a standard imposed upon it by a future generation with different social mores isn't fair.

7/10; look for it on one of those bargain priced multi-disc DVD box sets for about $9, and make up your own mind.