The 700 Club

If you believe that the earth was created in only six days, that there really was a flood that wiped out almost all human life on earth except for a drunk and a few family members, that a big fish swallowed a man alive and spat him out just as alive three days later, and that the God who could do all of these amazing deeds needs YOUR money to keep doing them, this is the show for you!

Or maybe you want to watch this smarmy weasel just for laughs, to see what outrageous idiocy is going to come out of his mouth next. Whatever you do, don't send him money.

Before I start, I just need to something straight: I have absolutely nothing against Jesus. And I have absolutely no problem with anyone who has faith. Any questions? Good. Let's move on.

Have you ever watched someone on TV so incredibly grating and annoying you wish they would just shrivel up and die? If not, welcome to the colorful world of The 700 Club; a news show where earth shattering topics such as school prayer, army chaplains, Christian music, and age-defying milkshakes are delivered into the hungry hands of red-state America.

Three of the most painfully looking news anchors in the history of television host a 30 minute show about the Christian life. While that may sound uplifting, don't be fooled. This show targets and destroys (much like a heat seeking missile) Muslims, Jews, Hindus, non- Christian "cults", gays, feminists, democrats, Christian liberals, and everything else under the sun for the world's problems. This makes the show about as comfortable as sitting on a long plane flight next to someone who asks you if you've heard the good news about Jesus.

But the worst of this show can be said in two words: Gordon Robertson. This idiot stands in front of the camera as if he's the salt of the earth, permanently portraying his smug smile and ghastly hair to the masses. Not only that but his forehead is so monstrously big, it actually distracts you from listening to what he has to say.

The 700 Club is a show that's entertaining if you're looking for a laugh but case in point: if you're looking for uplifting spiritual guidance, The 700 Club will do nothing for help.

"The 700 Club" has to be the single most bigoted television program in the history of television itself. To make matters worse, it's been on the air since 1966, implying that thousands if not millions of people are buying into its hate and lies. Headed by Pat Robertson, the unscrupulous, megalomaniacal founder and leader of the Christian Coalition, "The 700 Club" takes us from misinformation to misunderstanding, broadcasting "news" as they like to think of it and trying to convince its audience that all of the world's problems are to blame on homosexuals, Wiccans, New Age spiritualists, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, non-Fundamentalist Christians, Democrats, single mothers, foreigners, feminists, evolutionists, environmentalists, NASA scientists, and anyone else who doesn't share their fanatical religious views. It's actually the best fake news since "The Daily Show" or the "Weekend Update" segment of "Saturday Night Live," or since "Fox News," for that matter. Of course, Pat's always the one who makes each of the decisions, saying whatever comes to mind and not giving a damn who it offends or hurts. In the meantime, he continues his part in the struggle to transform the United States into a militarized police state by having the Religious Wrong stick their noses in everything they can and asking for one donation after another - no less than a measly $100 to become a member, by the way - to fund Pat's African diamond mines and buy oil from companies reprimanded by the government in the past for their abuse of the environment. No, never mind that Pat was good friends with the genocidal dictators of Zaire and Zimbabwe in order to help him acquire such wealth; it's all for the greater glory of God, don't you know? Funny thing, too, but I can't seem to recall any instance during which Jesus actually advocated the acquisition of wealth.

And of course, the hosts of "The 700 Club" are always willing to read letters "written by viewers" as they like to put it, coincidentally each typed in the same format and all on the same color of paper by "viewers" supposedly healed of various afflictions by the said hosts (they claim to have "words of knowledge" come to them) but who NEVER APPEAR on the program to say what happened to them. Honestly, how can anyone take a show seriously when they're using a poor applause recording? It should make people wonder why there's no studio audience. Speaking of which, did any of the loyal viewers of this show wonder why Pat went to a surgeon for his colon cancer instead of putting trust in the faith of his fellow snake oil salesmen?

The sad thing that Pat's cronies and viewers don't realize or just don't even want to realize are the horrible things he's done and said. This is a guy who agreed with Jerry Falwell that the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks on the United States were the result of God punishing us for our acceptance of homosexuality and feminism. Ironic, considering that Pat has twice publicly referred to the implementation of a nuclear weapon in the State Department; I have little doubt it was his wealth that kept him from getting arrested for such statements. His rants against homosexuals, single mothers, and any number of sexual practices he considers "sinful" are interesting, considering he was known to frequent a number of brothels during the Korean War. As the Bible says, be fruitful and multiply, so congratulations, Pat - thanks to you, there's probably a number of children born to single Korean mothers. Then, of course, there was the time he called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, a man who led his nation successfully in the conquering of a dictatorship. Oh, yes, and let's not soon forget the time this "crusader for human life" supported forced abortions in China. Very "Christian" of him, wouldn't you say?

And just in case Pat has forgotten, I haven't forgotten his little speech that evangelical Christians today are "being treated exactly as the Jews were in Nazi Germany." Honestly, to compare his "plight" to the horrors of the Holocaust is almost unforgivable. Speaking of which, need I mention about how he blatantly lied that homosexuality ran rampant among the Nazi party in a pathetic attempt to discredit homosexuals? Of course, history shows us that the Nazis acted toward homosexuals the same way they acted toward Jews. Pat Robertson is one of the biggest liars in history. If he was Pinocchio, his nose would encircle the Earth.

Unfortunately, more and more people continue to believe him every day. This is your wake-up call, people; "The 700 Club" is one of the most if not the single most vile program in television history. It's evil masquerading as good; it's a wolf-in-sheep's-clothing. It's bigoted filth that tries to look clean, pretty, and loving. It's living proof that hateful, dangerous religious views aren't confined to certain groups in the Middle East. Even those who are not of the Christian faith know that it goes against everything Jesus taught, and if Jesus was to appear to this "club," He wouldn't be emulating them. Instead, He'd be chastising them as He did the Pharisees of His time and overturning the money bins of their telethons as He did in front of the synagogue in His time. All I can say is thank God that Pat had no chance of becoming President; if he did, he'd be the harbinger of Armageddon - and not on the side of the good guys.

Except people apparently buy into this garbage! As shows like "Moral Orel" have shown, even if you tried to make the most outrageous, over-the-top parody of evangelism you could possibly think of, it wouldn't come close to the hilarity of this show. It's hard to tell what's even going on when you're watching it. Is it a news show? A talk show? Who knows!? They start out by reporting on various international news stories, but at seemingly random points, the news is interrupted by this odd, troll-like little man with a forehead bigger than his entire face, mumbling and laughing and generally being creepy.

Pat Robertson doesn't even seem like such a bad guy at first glance. He just seems like a senile, yet harmless old coot stuck in his archaic beliefs (like most of our grandparents). But this is a man who has called for an assassination, who has befriended and offered aid to not one, but TWO murderous dictators, who has illegally used donation money to run diamond mines, who has SUPPORTED forced abortions in China, and who regularly implies that Caucasians (straight American male Caucasians in particular) are superior to all other races.

Still, this would all be funny, except that he apparently has a large enough fan base to keep his little show on the air 40 years later (either that, or enough money to bribe some TV executives who don't give a damn what they show). The idiocy of the show becomes alarming when you realize that some people, somewhere, must be watching it and hanging onto every word. Even when Robertson has repeatedly shown how corrupt he is, people still listen to him. I don't know if it's funny or scary. I guess a healthy mixture of both.

It's interesting to see that all the posts are negative at first, and then apparently a 700 Club fan saw the listing and got the propaganda machine running.

The 700 Club preaches hate and intolerance under the guise of religion. Either Pat Robertson is truly unbalanced, or a brilliant genius who has created a cult of personality to reap great financial rewards, or both. There are a lot of posts where people say they watch to get angry. I just hope none of them are Nielsen families.

This man and his ilk are the only things that ever makes me doubt the wisdom of free speech.