Tequila Body Shots

After renting this out of curiosity, and overall, wasting a very long 90 minutes out of my life, I feel like I need to comment on this. Keep in mind, this is a fair critique, nothing more, nothing less.

First off, I am not one to just get a movie based on the cover art. I read the back cover, and even though Joey Lawrence of Blossom fame (if you could call it that) was in it, I decided to give it a try, just for once, to pick a movie, that might be one of those that might just surprise me in being a good movie. This one wasn't at all. The cover of the box is, however, very well done in that in portrays a good movie (unfortunately, this movie is not inside the box). Though, to bash it would be senselessly in the same vein as the same mockeries you hear elsewhere of such B-movies. Oh, this one has all of the complaints of a non-fun B-movie (keep in mind, B-movies, in my opinion, can be really fun to watch), but, there is something about it that sets it apart from my 1 and 2 star ratings on this site. But before I get to that rationale, first the obvious complaints. The dialogue is horrible. The plot is just stupid. For a horror movie it is not at all scary. But, and I know, I am biting my tongue saying this, the acting wasn't that bad. I've seen a lot worse. As for the direction, it really wasn't that bad either, believe it or not. Though still amateurish, any attempts of a B-movie being 'stylish' differentiates it from a movie shot with a home video camera, and that is okay in my book, at least in that respect. From what I gathered, they picked a bunch of better than average-talented no-name, yet, attractive actors to star in this, spent the time to throw in some (keep in mind, the word here is 'some') snazzy direction, and some decent music and lighting. Trust me, to be fair, I've seen a lot worse. It looked like everyone involved wanted to make something out of this movie, but, despite many other flaws, the script has to be the biggest. Though, it wasn't as stupid as others I've witnessed on the screen (there are a couple, surprisingly crude jokes that are somewhat amusing...at least they're right with the times, that's all I'll say), it still had way too many groaners, and was way too predictable. I'll give the cast credit with what they had to work with, I know amateurs when I see them, and at least half of the cast ain't that. The dialogue is just stupid, and the situations, man, how lame. But, the thing that bothered me the most was the characters...most were lame as could be. So lame that there were a couple that you wanted to see die horrible deaths, yet, this never happens. What we get is a movie that isn't a horror film, isn't a suspense or thriller, isn't much of a teen comedy...what it is is simply, perhaps an idea that sounded good on the drawing board, but completely failed upon execution. These 90 minutes felt like hours upon hours, and when it ends, it is completely ass-nine.

Yeah, I didn't like this movie, but to call it complete crap would be unfair. It is crap, mind you, but, it is better than a lot I have seen over the years. Like I said, the acting, for a few of the characters was pretty good. But, unfortunately, that doesn't make up for a boring movie that will drain 90 minutes of your life that you will never ever get back. This isn't even one to get drunk and make fun of (i.e. one of those it is so bad it is good movies) b\c it takes itself so seriously, when it should know that the audience, given the cast and the non-mass produced title, has already given it two strikes against it. In my opinion, if a horror movie gets confused halfway through what it wants to do, becoming a slasher flick, though cheap (and I sure as hell ain't bashing slasher flicks, they're the most fun to make fun of), at least it can be entertaining. But no, there are no deaths or anything in this film, just stupid, pick up lines and improbable situations with too many characters who I wanted to see be vanquished due to their lameness. I give it a 3/10 stars, and that's pushing it. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

While "Tequila Body Shots" ranks in my personal top five worst movies ever made, it is definitely memorable. A film so wretched Jim Varney would have winced, it raises the question "who gave this tripe the greenlight?" That being said, it was impossible for me to turn away. I caught the movie inadvertently on cable and could do nothing but follow it through to its bitter end. The effects, the acting, the final denouement involving the movie's namesake all coalesce to make a cinematic masterpiece in shame. Joey Lawrence has grown up, and after doing that movie should have thrown up. Worth watching just to realize that every other movie you thought was bad actually wasn't THAT bad.

Making a horror comedy that simultaneously is funny AND suspenseful is pretty much the hardest thing to accomplish in cinema. Only the truly great directors like, say, Sam Raimi ("The Evil Dead") can pull this off, so don't expect a new guy in the business to succeed. Fortunately for writer/director/producer Tony Shyu, he isn't overly pretentious and does never at one point attempt to make his film look like a genuine horror production. He merely puts the emphasis on the comedy factors, and although not always equally successful, at least he manages to keep "Tequila Body Shots" endurable. The film starts off as a typical high-school comedy, in the style of "American Pie", with stereotypical teenage characters that only have sex and booze on their minds, and it really takes a very long time before until the horror elements are mixed in. The plot centers on two groups of college friends (three male film students and the nerd they can't get rid off + three random girls) that mysteriously get invited to a Halloween party across Mexican borders. They encounter a spiritual doctor handing out all sorts of magic potions, party locations that vanish overnight and devilish voices in the background; all leading to the inevitably derivative and dull horror finale of reincarnation & vengeance from beyond the tomb. One of the girls turns out to be the mirror image of a Mexican duchess slain by her jealous husband nearly 100 years ago and only one of the boys – Johnny – can prevent that her soul will be taken to hell for all eternity. The horror elements of the story definitely miss their effect and the references towards the Greek mythology (the tale of Orpheus and the boat-ride to hell) are utterly misplaced. They're lost on the target audience of this type of film, anyway. Luckily enough, a handful of jokes and comical situations are entertaining enough to keep you alert. Particularly Ted's character is good for a couple of laughs, as he sees himself as God's gift to women even though he's the most annoying Star Wars nerd imaginable. The girls form terrific eye candy, but only the abnormally yummy Stephanie Arellano takes her top off, so the sleaze-factor of "Tequila Body Shots" isn't exactly impressive, neither. There's no gore or spectacular action sequences and the climax is so exaggeratedly happy & joyful it nearly made me feel miserable. NOT recommended, not even to the handful of teenage fans Joey Lawrence has left since starring in "Blossum". Yuck.

Joey (or now Joesph) Lawrence has been (desperately) looking for a comeback movie, but if he keeps making movies like this no one is going to give him a shot. It may look a little better than most low budget horror flicks, but the story is awkardly set up and can be hard to follow at times. I think the film had the right idea; supernatural horror mixed with lush romance and a dash of spice, but the mythology comes off as silly and since this plays such a big role in the film, it ruins the rest.

This movie is by far the worst movie ever made. It's scary that someone looked at this script and said "Hey, this looks like a good movie to have on my resume." It's sad that some company put forth money for the production of this movie as well. This movie is so horrible, it made me vomit. Anyone who thought this was a genuinely good movie is a complete idiot. This is one of those movies that you rent because you want a good movie to make fun of with your friends. That is about all it is good for. Terrible acting, terrible story, terrible setting, terrible everything. If i could give this movie 2 thumbs down, I would, but I don't want to waste energy in turning my hand over and extending my thumb on a movie so utterly disgusting. Joey Lawrence has to be the worst actor I've ever seen. That is all I have to say.