Safari cannibal

If you love to see a group of people tenting in the director's garden and walking from the east end of it to the south end, whilst the voice-over mumbles about myriads of mosquitos, the green hell and the sultriness of the jungle; if you generally love to hear the action instead of seeing it; if you like totally senseless dialogue, the worst acting you can imagine (and, yes, I've seen a lot of them Stuart Whitman and Edmund Purdom films), alligators in the Philippines, minute-long table dance scenes without any relation to the story, a gory beginning and slow-motion falls into the "abyss" (ca. 2,50 metres): THIS IS YOUR FILM. Oh, and yes, Laura Gemser is getting undressed. (That's what I gave the point for).

While going through my DVDs I stumbled across a copy of "INVADERS OF THE LOST GOLD". Scratching my head, I couldn't remember anything of it, other than simply going by the two out of ten star rating I previously gave it. I started watching and it came flooding back. They weren't great memories either. After the opening slaughter by jungle natives of some Japanese soldiers (with laughable dubbing/accents) escorting gold during WWII, you can't help but be drawn in. Thinking that you might be onto something fun with this jungle adventure exploitation. Come on, we get decapitated heads on spears and Japanese soldiers slicing off limbs in their escape. Alas, all that comes to a thud, once it heads to present day.

There begins the expedition, as wealthy businessmen set-up their team for the Philippines to find the hidden gold. Sadly even with the stalwart likes of Stuart Whitman, Woody Strode, Harold "Oddjob" Sakata and Laura Gemser along for the journey; you're left with a cheap, uninspired and boring jungle trek. Leaving you dazed and confused, despite a little blood and nudity along the way. The dangers of the jungle (e.g. crocodiles, snakes, rope bridges, booby traps and greedy men) come to fruition, but those bloodthirsty natives from the opening sequence are M.I.A. Talk about being a party pooper.

However the real talking point is the unknown death of a character suddenly panicking and dropping dead while skinning dipping. It's a real head scratcher. This could be contributed to its terrible editing, which really does show in numerous hacked-up sequences. Like the out-of-nowhere fight between Strode and Sakata. After one calls the other a killer, repeatedly, they continue their trek then suddenly the next scene shows the two scuffling to only laugh it off like something out of a gag reel. Although one of them does get the last laugh. I couldn't help but be disappointed by "INVADERS OF THE LOST GOLD", after liking the director's previous film; "KILLER'S MOON" (1978).

There's a reason why "Horror Safari" isn't as known or infamous as most of its contemporary Italian jungle adventure-movies like, say, "Cut and Run" or "Massacre at Dinosaur Valley". Despite the cheerful title and a promising sounding plot description on the back of the DVD-cover, it's a tremendously dire and stupid movie. We have a bunch of very unlikable characters searching for a shipment of gold that was left behind in the Phillipines jungle (among a cannibalistic tribe) near the end of WWII. The expedition is put together by a rich bastard and assembles the most incompetent adventurers you've ever seen. The "leader" is an American drunk who's heroic years are long over, one of the original Japanese army commanders that lost the gold in the first place, a black strongman who's far too friendly to be believable, two women that are completely useless and one mean, double-crossing sleazebag. "Horror Safari" feature the absolute weakest death scenes I've ever seen; hands down. Instead of getting torn apart by the cannibals – that have just vanished suddenly, by the way – the characters just fall off of cliffs or walk straight into the open mouths of plastic crocodiles. One poor girl, the dreadfully miscast Laura Gemser, even spontaneously drops dead during a skinny dip! Honestly, if there's anyone who can give a reasonable explanation for Gemser's character dying, please email it to me! This must be one of the worst films ever made, complete with lousy editing, uninspired use of beautiful locations and bad acting with an even worse dubbing. Even the most hardcore fan of Italian cult cinema shouldn't waste one penny on this piece of crap.

After an enjoyably trashy opening sequence, in which a group of WWII Japanese soldiers are forced to hide their shipment of gold in a cave when attacked by blood-thirsty head-hunting natives, this jungle-bound adventure movie from prolific producer Dick Randall rapidly turns into a very tedious trek through extremely familiar territory, as a team of modern-day treasure seekers set out to recover the long-lost horde.

Despite a promising premise and an excellent cast of exploitation regulars—including Edmund Purdom (Pieces, Nightmare City), Laura Gemser (the Emanuelle series), Stuart Whitman (Welcome to Arrow Beach, Eaten Alive), and Harold 'Oddjob' Sakata—Invaders of the Lost Gold is instantly forgettable low budget junk that becomes more and more painful with every passing minute.

The story lacks excitement, with much of the film's running time devoted to bickering between characters and unlikely romance rather than on action and adventure, and the whole damn mess just simply isn't exploitative enough: Gemser strips off (I'd have been more surprised if she hadn't), but tasty TV blonde Glynis Barber keeps her clothes on (and I so wanted to see Makepeace nekkid!); there's almost no gore after the opening scene; and the ending totally wimps out, with not a savage native in sight.

This won't be easy.

But I have to slag a film starring Goddess Gemser, but I've got little choice.

This ripped off war movies, jungle flicks, and the Cannibal sub-genre, an in every case, poorly. Cliché' characters, crap acting, predictable scenes, and in many cases, unfinished.

I'll pay it one compliment. Gemser is, and always will be beautiful. This got 3 stars out of me just for having her in it. Without her, I probably wouldn't have even bothered.

Despite having talent like Whitman and Strode, the acting was absolute crap. These guys, along with Purdom and Sakata (Oddjob), were obviously picking up a quick paycheck.

Miss it.