Terreur au collège

Greetings And Salutations, and welcome to my review of Splatter University; here's the breakdown of my ratings:

Story: 1.00 Direction: 1.00 Pace: 1.00 Acting: 0.75 Enjoyment: 0.75

TOTAL: 4.50 out of 10.00.

Troma brought out some fantastic turkeys that were so bad they made it into the Kingdom of Cultdom - Remember The Toxic Avenger; he must be the King of that Fiefdom. Alas, Splatter University is a turkey, sucking lemons with a sour-puss pout.

The story the writers present to the audience is one of a looney tune on the run from the local nut-house. Surprisingly, there's an outbreak of bloody stabbery at a university campus in the city just after the asylum-break. Hhhmmm, I wonder if they're connected? Of course, they are, and it's our job to try and suss out who's slaying these wayward teens and their teachers. The trouble was, I didn't care. The characters are so unimaginative, and the narrative's lacking in devious deviants and sensational situations that I was wobbling on the fine point of slumber. Somehow I managed to stay awake, though, in hindsight, I probably would've had better nightmares. What this film lacked was absorbing characters with believable and relatable personas. It also required an injection of excitement. Though there were a few slayings, none were scary. These murders needed better structuring and detail. I cannot believe it took so many writers to deliver this dross. My cat has coughed up more exciting furballs.

Worst still is the point-and-shoot direction of Richard Haines. While the simplicity of the filming style works, there are times when it only adds to the sluggish feel of the picture. Now I mostly say there should be a change in pace, and God, Splatter University needed it. That said, it does possess a varied tempo. Sadly it goes from a meandering walk to sleeping on a park bench; and at the wrong moments. Haines tends to slow the pace when we get to the friend segments. Like the scene in the bar. This slowdown in the tempo wouldn't be terrible if he utilised it to propel the story forward. But nothing happens in these scenes. And due to the nothingness, the film slows down even more. These segments should've been quick and filled with teenage drunken joviality, and Haines should have spun out the stalking slayer to build the tension.

As for the acting - The leads were okay, and Forbes Riley does a decent job portraying the replacement teacher, Julie Parker. But things take a nose dive when we get to the performers playing the students. These were multitudes of bad: so wooden I felt like I had a splinter under my skin, so hammy that I was craving a bacon sarnie, and they were so impassive they disappeared into the set dressings.

All in all, Splatter University is a jejune slice of the Troma Pie; it's all crust and no filling. After watching this, I had to watch another movie to satiate my entertainment needs. Therefore, I can't recommend the film. If you need a Troma fix, go and watch Mother's Day or their old fave, The Toxic Avenger.

Now I have your full attention since you're back in that straight-jacket; here, take a gander at my IMDb list - Killer Thriller Chillers to see where I rated Splatter University.

Take Care & Stay Well.

Really, really bad slasher movie. A psychotic person escapes from an asylum. Three years later he kills a sociology professor, end of scene. One semester yesterday later (hey, that's what the title card said) a new sociology professor is at the school. She makes friends with another female sociology professor who works there, and starts dating another professor. The students are all bored, as are we.

There are a number of title cards indicating how much time has passed. Scenes are pretty short, and cut to different characters somewhere else, making for little progression of any kind. A lot of scenes involve characters walking and talking, or sitting and talking, and serve little purpose. Despite the passage of time, many of the characters are always wearing the same clothing. Sometimes the unclear passage of time means when we see a body for the second time, we ask ourselves: how long has that body been there? And also, at least one of the dead people don't seem to have been missed by others.

The killer manages to kill one person by stabbing her in the breast, another by stabbing him in the crotch, and another by slicing her forehead. Is his knife poisoned or something?

The video box cover has a cheerleader: there aren't any in the movie. The rear cover has a photo of someone in a graduation cap and gown menacing a group of women in a dorm room. The central redhead in the photo is in the movie, but nobody ever wears such an outfit, and there is no such scene. The killer is strictly one-on-one.

This was the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. It was so bad, in fact, that it almost was the end of me. I was just barely able to get out of bed the next day. My credit card bills are climbing, my car payment is too high, I have a mortgage that's slowly strangling me, and I now must live with the knowledge that I can never un-see 'Splatter University.' It was almost too much to take. Ultimately, I got out of bed to feed my fish--and I couldn't let anything happen to myself while they were dependent on me to live. God only knows where I'd be right now if I didn't have a fish tank.

This movie takes place over a span of a couple weeks. Yet in every scene, all the characters are wearing the same clothes. If I had to listen to that idiot with the sleeveless blue t-shirt on howl like a wolf one more time, I was going to put my head through the tv.

When I rented it, I was hoping for a college slasher romp, fraught with scantily clad college-aged honeys. None of that here. How about great make-up fx and gallons of blood? Try again. A creepy killer that was good for at least ONE scare? Nope.

I never in a million years would think that a movie with a running time of 79 MINUTES could feel so long. But now that I know, there's no going back. You see, I've graduated from Splatter University, and it weighs on my conscience like a student loan with payments made directly to hell.

This film begins at a mental hospital with the staff looking for a patient named "William Graham" (Dick Biel) is apparently wandering around somewhere in the building. He then kills one of the staff members and disappears into the night. The scene then shifts to three years later with a female professor at St Trinian's College named "Janet Phillips" (Donna Hartman) working late one night and, upon hearing a noise, goes to open the classroom door. Suddenly, without any warning, a man with a knife appears and stabs her to death. The scene then shifts once again to approximately 3 months later with a young college professor by the name of "Julie Parker" (Forbes Riley) accepting a teaching position at that very same college. To that effect, although she has a few problems in relation to the college rules and traditions, she quickly adapts and everything seems to be going quite well--at least, until the body count begins to rise. Now, rather than reveal any more, I will just say that I didn't initially know what to expect from this film other than the fact that it was an 80's slasher movie. Some of them are good--and some of them are bad. So, when I saw that it was a Troma movie, I knew not to get my hopes up too high. Sure enough, what followed was a film consisting of cheap sets and weak scripts. Likewise, the acting in general could have used some improvement as well. In other words, it was a typical Troma production. Even so, both Forbes Riley and Kathy LaCommare (as "Cathy Hunter) performed reasonably well and that helped to a certain degree. Having said that, however, neither of them were quite able to overcome the obvious low-production values mentioned earlier, and I have rated this movie accordingly. Below average.

Splatter University is just another attempt to cash in on the 80's slasher hysteria.

The acting was bad but the script definitely had potential. There were some pretty creative deaths but they were all ruined by the horribly slow pace and unneeded dialogue. For some reason the director felt like following around a bunch of crumby actors who the audience expected were there just to die and then suddenly stopped incorporating them into the film? Why was that? Were they just trying to throw us off or waste our time?

I can't say "Splatter University" was complete trash, I can say that the script and twists could have worked with a better director, bigger budget, and more experienced production team.

Go ahead and see this movie, but don't expect anything better than "okay" or worse...