Nuits de pleine lune

You know how veterans respond when you ask them what the war was like, and they respond "I don't want to talk about it." Well, that's the best I can come up with for describing this movie. "I don't want to talk about this movie." I hate this movie. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I have watched some of the WORST movies known to mankind, and this one comes in second place. I have seen a movie called Robo C.H.I.C. I have seen The Cars that Ate Paris, I have seen Hobgoblins, I have seen Ghoulies IV, I have seen Trolls II (ouch, that one was bad) but only Hobgoblins actually compares to the pain I felt watching this movie. I don't... I don't want to talk about this any more. Please... leave me alone to throw up in peace. Watch this movie if you want, but be warned, I didn't encourage you, and don't bother renting it in Greensboro, N.C. because the tape is not coming back in proper working order. It's coming back in pieces. Many many pieces.

I can't say what the worst movie ever made is, but Howling VII is certainly my pick for 'worst movie that makes me laugh so hard my sides hurt every time I see it'. Which is a pretty big honor, really. Man, if there's anyone out there who's never seen this movie (I bet there's a few of you), trust me, you've got to rent it sometime. To give credit where it's due, this 'werewolf' movie tried to be something a little different: a combination horror-film/country-western-musical. Yeah, that always works. With no actors either. To save money they cast the local yokels living in this town to play... themselves. Hmmm, that seems like a good idea too. Wonder what went wrong?

You know, the fact this movie got produced at all is amazing. The fact this movie was produced by New Line Cinema is really amazing.

But taken for what it is, Howling VII is the best of its kind - I mean, they literally got everything wrong. The direction just isn't happening - the 'actors' sort of wonder around while on camera, blurting out memorized lines of dialogue at awkward intervals; the jokes (and there's lot's of em!) aren't remotely funny even if you're really drunk (like they were - seriously, just watch it); the music, as performed by our multi-talented cast, ranges charmingly inept to embarrassing; and, uh, there's no werewolves, just a few red-tinted pov shots.

Well, that last one's not entirely true; there is one unfortunate werewolf appearance - but it's in the last 30 seconds of the movie. Which is odd, since its transformation scene is the big showcase of the movie. (Remember - New Line Cinema produced this - the guys who are spending $360 million on Lord of the Rings). Anyway, the aforementioned scene is accomplished by digitally stretching the "actor's" face horizontally. That's it - bang, your face is stretched, you're a werewolf (my Sony 8mm Camcorder can do this).

There's also a detective's investigation side-plot which is so poorly executed you'd swear they were making a satire. Except these scenes are played without a trace of irony. All in all the whole movie is so innocent and hapless you can't believe it was made in the 90's.

Great fun, but not perfect. The one complaint I have is that, while most of the movie is rather good-natured (in a rather mind-bogglingly idiotic way), there's one unenjoyable part towards the end where our hero gets tortured by a sadistic policeman (who later becomes werewolf food - er, red-tinted-lens food). The movie is mean-spirited here, and this LOOOOONG scene is one I usually have to fast-forward. Not that it's gruesome or revolting (I mean, it's not like this is supposed to be a horror movie or anything) - it's just boring. But then we're back with the gang doing a campfire-sing-a-long in no time, and all's well.

Anyway, I could write pages and pages on this movie, but you get the point. I voted it a 1 since it's one of the three worst movies I've ever seen, but it's in my top 10 list of favourite films of all time. These types of movies can never be intentionally made, they just have to happen. And boy, something happened.

If the wooden acting doesn't churn your stomach, the insipid country music will. TRUST ME, this movie goes beyond stupid, into entirely NEW realms of awfulness. Clive Turner, who had roles in Howlings 4 and 5 takes over as Director, Producer, and the lead role of "Ted". Ted is - guess what - a werewolf, who is Australian(??) and likes George Jones. The only decent performance in this crapfest is Jack Huff as Father John, a werewolf hunting priest. The movie makes a half-hearted attempt to connect with previous Howlings, but there is really no plot to speak of. Halfway through, the movie actually degrades to the point of making farting jokes. The ending (if you can make it that far) is the rotten icing on the top of this putrid cake. Do not watch this movie even if you are offered money. I'm sorry I did.

This movie once held a prominent position in the Bottom 100. How it ever got off the list is one of the great mysteries of the universe. Howling: New Moon Rising single-handedly redefines bad low-budget horror movies, and has all the requirements for being the worst horror sequel ever made:

1. No werewolf.

2. Old-school barroom jokes served up as original humor.

3. Small-town inhabitants playing themselves.

4. No werewolf.

5. Hopelessly outdated, overlong, and plot-halting line dance sequences.

6. Pappy sings.

7. Still no werewolf.

8. The most ridiculous 'plot twist' in the history of cinema.

9. Police chief: "Can we continue this tomorrow? This is all just too much information for me to take in all at once."

10. Red-tinted POV shots that's supposed to be a werewolf.

11. Written by, directed by, produced by, and starring Clive Turner.

12. "Hey Pappy - there's dirt in your chili!"

13. A two-line program command that produces the final CGI 'transformation' into the fakest-looking werewolf I've ever seen.

This movie was so painful to watch. No wonder they didn't make any more Howling sequels after this one. 1/10

I don't understand why they even made this film. There is no story, no scares, and nothing new to the series. The only part of this film of any value is the variety of clips they used from the previous Howling films. Why on earth they thought they could get away with using a steady-cam with a red filter to portray a werewolf is beyond me.

Only the very well rendered cover/poster art for this film gives it a reason to exist.

If you are a fan of the Howling series or werewolf movies in general, then the first four films are as far as I advise you go. The werewolf film as a genre has little to pick from as far as gems, but New Moon Rising is perhaps the worst ever conceived.