Dallas Connection

I watched this movie last night - largely because of all the little people in the cast. Their guns were bigger than they were. Those secret radios that the good guys were given - what were they, Sony Walk abouts? Do the actors get paid when they make something like this? My favorite little guy was Bruce Penhall (from Chips), if he's 4'9" tall I'll eat my boots. Best scene was when of the little guys was at the beach with his jet ski and a babe shows up wearing a thong bathing suit and leather high heeled boots that went up to her crotch. I can't count the number of times I've seen that same outfit at the beach - it's so practical. I kept waiting for Erik Estrada to make a cameo, everything else I've seen his personal butt boy (Bruce Penhall) in has also had Erik making a grease show of it. Erik was probably booked making his land commercials for that hillbilly resort in Arkansas. All this film lacked was a mud wrestling scene.

This flic will be remembered as a classic for the some of the funniest dead-pan dialogue and gratuitous shots of T&A to fill one of the most absurd plots since "Gymkata". From the asteroid showers, to the extended shower scenes, to the blow-up doll decoy, to the awkward reactions to the horse race which obviously isn't taking place, this movie never stops entertaining.

It stays perfectly on the line between over-the-top farce while appearing to try to be a "real" film, in true Ed Wood fashion. It's amusing to read the comments of disappointed viewers who attempted to derive substance from this B-movie. This is one to watch late night on cable, preferably with some good friends and a keg.

There is one name today in the realm of B style soft core skin flicks and that is Sidaris. This is the kind of movie that if you saw it when you were 13, you wouldn't leave your room for a week. This movie knows it is an exploitation flick and doesn't take itself too seriously. It is actually fun to watch as more than just a parade of large breasts. Of course, there is a strip club sequence that is tough to forget. I wouldn't rent this one, but it kept me awake on cable.

"The Dallas Connection" delivers the expected breasts, travelogue footage, explosions, and even some legitimate plot twists, but it has too many drawn-out non-action sequences, probably the result of Andy Sidaris & son Christian stretching the film to make it reach the 90-minute mark. As the female lead, Sam Phillips is a poor replacement for Suzi Simpson (not to mention Dona Speir). Suzi did a very good job in "Enemy Gold", and I wonder why Sidaris didn't cast her again. Sam is portrayed as useless in the action scenes. She is easily controlled by an unarmed man, while in "Enemy Gold" Suzi easily disarmed an armed man in about 3 seconds - see the difference? Julie K. Smith and Wendy Hamilton (a stunningly beautiful woman) do about 95% stripping and 5% action. Julie Strain is fine as long as she doesn't have to speak - when she does, the illusion is ruined. In terms of the female action quotient, this is probably Sidaris' most disappointing film since "Malibu Express". (**)

Howsabout this for dumb plot: a group of sexy female killers-for-hire (code-names Black Widow, Cobra and Scorpion) bump off several scientists, and are then given the task of getting hold of four computer chips that, when combined, can control a satellite with the power to pinpoint the exact locations of all of the world's weapons; it's a mission that might prove impossible to complete were the chips sensibly locked away in a high security vault, but instead each is hidden inside a medallion and worn out-and-about by government agents, making life a whole lot easier for the big-breasted assassins.

With such a laughable set-up and very little in the way of decent (non-sex related) action, The Dallas Connection is easily one of the weaker films in my Sidaris 'Girls, Guns & G-Strings' box set, but even though the film's writer/director Drew Sidaris possesses even less talent than his father Andy when it comes to telling a decent story, he's a chip off the old block when it comes to hot women, The Dallas Connection featuring some of the most physically impressive ladies of the whole series.

Leggy Julie Strain is back once again, as head assassin Black Widow, wearing her usual assortment of bondage themed outfits and skirts that fail to reach as far as her stocking tops; assisting her is blonde Julie K. Smith (as Cobra), owner of the film's most impressive chest, and scorching brunette Wendy Hamilton (as Scorpion) who really knows how to work the wet suit and thigh-high PVC boots look. Working for the good-guys, we get silicone-chested Sam Phillips as Samantha Maxx, one of the agents tasked with wearing a medallion. All the ladies get nekkid at some point or other to get it one with the film's assorted hunks, making this one just about worth a watch despite the dreadful story, diabolical acting and dull direction.